Moms and Robs.

So today is the first day of school. That's what I hear. I've seen so many momma birds write about the nagging sadness of sending their chicklets to school. Wait, chicklet…is that the candy or the baby bird?

Both? Oh how unfortunate. I really should read the ingredients label on things…

Ok, forget the chicklet thing. We're talking about kids, let's not count our candy eggs until they're hatched. Oh, they are hatched and they're leaving home to go to school? OK…I am so out of this loop.

I'm not a dad. I don't know these things. I just know how to sing songs to infant nieces and put them to sleep. Uhm, not in the permanent doggy sense, just singing, just sleep, just…nevermind.

See, maybe it's best that I'm not a dad. I really have no idea. That doesn't stop me from wishing though. I know, gotta have the mommy and the wife thing to pull that rabbit out of the-- yeah, well you get the idea.

It's just that I read all about you moms and as tough as it is to admit, I'm jealous. I always wanted kids. It's something I wanted. It's also something I knew I couldn't have with MyEx, it wasn't something that was important to her. At least not until she needed a reason to leave, then it became really important.

Yeah, sorry, beware the bile spume. I think I got some on everybody. It only burns for a bit. Go rinse it off, it'll be fine. I do get a little bitter sometimes. Especially on this topic.

See the thing is, no matter what I feel about MyEx and leaving etc. I will always give her this. She was as direct as an apartment landlord, "No kids." It was the huge sign posted out front and there was never any confusion. There would be no sneaking fluffy cuties in late at night, and absolutely no deposit that would change her mind. In fact, I was warned to watch my deposit--so to speak.

But like I said, I appreciated that. When I married her, I knew what I was getting. She didn't trap me, she said, "this is who I am." I really liked the naked picture part of the program. Very informative. So I knew when I said I do, that I was saying "I don't" to children. I never regretted the choice, until now.

See now I'm going, "Wait, I gave up door 2 so I could have what was behind door number 1. What do you mean I don't get that either? Where's my Turtle Wax?" I didn't get the kids; I didn't keep the bride; this is like the worst fairy tale ever! If this were a Disney ride it would suck worse than Small World--and that takes effort! It's like adding Keanu Reeves to the sound track!

"It's a small world, little dude!"

So today moms talk about sending their foals to school so they can eat Elmer's glue, and I get sad too. Did I waste my education? Are the things I learned useless now that I won't be able to pass them onto small children or a grown wife?

I know I'm not alone in this. I know we all make choices because we feel they're right. Either for us, or for the relationship, but when those plans fall through, what do we do?

I mean, I could go to school and pick out a few of my favorite kids, but lets face it, California frowns on that. I could go buy a box of Chicklets, but I gotta say, now that I know what they're made of, I've kinda lost my taste for them.

And I'm not blaming MyEx for ruining my life. The fact is, that if that's what happened--if my life is ruined--then I did that myself. I made the choices. I'm still not willing to throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet though.

Yes, I made the choices, and yes, I'll make some more, both good and bad, before I'm done, but that doesn't mean things are ruined. See, you can ask MyEx, she'll tell ya, I'm the biggest baby she knows, and I'm a stubborn one too. I've got a lot of learning to do, and I'll have plenty of opportunity to cry out in class. I'm not done yet. I've just graduated to the next grade.

I think my mom would be proud.