Cat and Mouse

Cat People. A movie so bad they made it twice. It's good to spread chunky crap across generations of cinema--just like peanut butter, without the good taste. It makes people remember. We're due for another remake on that one. It's time. Then again, maybe we've learned.

Yeah Right.

Cat people is also how I'd describe MyEx. No, I am not saying that she keeps coming back every time she wanders out for Friskies. Then again, my regular readers might disagree. That problem is in the storyteller, not the subject. Her problem is that she's a cat person.

That's right, dyed in the fur feline personified. Cat's are perfect pets for her: self sufficient, poop in box, purr in bed. What's more, they rarely mix the two. That's an important trait in a pet.

"What's this under the cove---AHHH!"

Yeah, the only time we ever encountered that problem was when we had one fixed. Can you blame him? He blamed me, and gave gifts appropriately. Poop for dad, purr from mom. Insult to injury? It was MyEx's idea. That's right, Benedict Arnold was a cat person. They covered that in the movie. Should have dropped 'em in a bag and taken 'em to the river.

I'm joking! Before you launch your fur friends in my face, let me say: I have no problem with cats. And other than the divorce thing, I have no problem with MyEx--or any other cat people for that matter. I'm just not fighting your pro feline war. I'm in kitty Switzerland. I'm also a dog person.

I like pets who dote. It's a good trait. I go out and feed my dog and he breaks my ribs. If I wheeze and pet him, instead of putting the food down, he's still excited. He'll break more ribs. It's like he hasn't seen me in months every time I go outside. I gotta admit. I like that, and I'm getting used to the wheeze.

What I don't like are rodents. You name it. Rats, bats, gophers, mice. Nope. No love. Have you noticed animals are attracted to the people who hate them the most? Do you have a friend who hates cats? Bring her over to meet fluffy. Fluffy will show her kitty love like she never knew, and once you've had cat, you never go back.

"I don't know, I mean he wasn't properly weaned as a kitten, but I've never seen him go after them like that…"

Rodent's love me. I have mice. I know! I was thrilled too. They're hanging out in my kitchen. They are thrilled. Food, friends, and frolic.

Great.

I usually use a "Rat Zapper." It's basically a big box with a jolting surprise. It's more humane that the sticky tape and I can't really support "catch and release" since the best "release" spot in my back yard.

All you do with the zapper is drop in a piece of dog food. When the mouse goes to get it he completes a circuit, and the circuit completes him. Yes, it's Jerry McGuire in a box. And yes, I too would stick my hand in a rat zapper for Renée Zellweger.

"You had me at Hell! OW!"

Renée wasn't in cat people. She was in a Texas Chainsaw remake. Chainsaws make lousy pets. They do make multiple pets though. If I thought one would split up my mice without destroying my kitchen I'd buy one. They won't. I won't. But don't think I didn't consider it.

I wish it would work, cuz I'm having trouble with one mouse. He's gotten behind my stove. I can't get a zapper back where he is, and he doesn't want to come out and play. He likes to play back there though. I don't know what he's got but it sounds like he's percussion for a Tupperware band.

I don't know how to get him. Maybe if I could remember from before. Maybe if I could remember what my wife and I did to make things work. Maybe I need to become a cat person.