Laboring Through The Holiday.

It's labor day guess what I'm doing? That's right, I'm laboring. Not as in having a baby, or even a cow, man, I'm just slouching over my monitor in quiet desperation.

You should probably take a moment to wipe the self-pity ooze from your screen. It's pretty thick, and it'll blur your view. What's more, if you're using a CRT it'll stink things up too when it gets hot. Don't know if you have a CRT? Here's a simple test: Hold a buzzing chainsaw parallel and six inches behind your monitor, Ok? Now swing down. OK, shut off the saw, before you rest it on your couch, (yeah trust me I speak from experience here. Scared the stuffing out of me. Didn't do much for he couch either.) Go back to the front. Can you still read me? Cover your right eye…now your left…still ok?

What about now..?

One…

Or two…

One…

Or two…

Ok that's just eye doctor humor. You perfect people don't get it. That's fine, the rest of us blind folk are laughing at you. Speaking of laughing, the CRT thing. Can you still see anything on your monitor? If the answer is no, then you either have a CRT or you were confused about the concept of parallel. Either way, you're done reading until you visit Best Buy. It's cool. Like me, there's somebody there who's working today too. And if you get there soon, they'll be slouching over your new monitor in quiet desperation. How cool is that? Life imitating Rob.

Art? Sorry I don't know him. I had a friend who's dad was named Art, but I didn't know him well enough to use him in a metaphor. No, Rob works better.

Rob works holidays.

I have friends who don't work though. They have lives. What's cool is that some people are cool enough to let me live vicariously through them. Some people just rock.

See we were talking about this last week in my Bible study class. We were talking about Mark the Gospel writer. The group leader was trying to share background on who Mark was. He wrapped that part of the group up in 3 minutes. Not much is known about Mark. He hung out with Peter and Paul, and must have peed in Paul's punch once because Paul didn't want to travel with him again. Maybe Mark was a practical joker, maybe he liked to stick a wet finger in Paul's ear, or maybe he sang Celine Dione songs. We'll never know because nobody ever says.

"I think that's what it's about to be a writer. You observe, but you never participate, right Rob?" That's what one woman in the group said.

"Uhm, sur--What?" That's what Rob said. Hey, I didn't sign up for that! Is what he thought.

Now everybody is staring at me. It's clear they've never observed my blog.

I am a bright and shining star…

At least in my head. Ok, well at least I have exciting people lead vicariously through my head, right? Sometimes they even write.

Dear Rob,

Right now I'm slouched over my monitor in quiet desperation. How about you?

PS what are you wearing?

I get that one everyday. Everyday I reply:

Dear mom,

I'm wearing clean underwear. Don't worry.

Love,

Rob

Still, some days there's a ray of light. A little Morton's salt shaker of sunshine seasoning my day. A little thick? Hey, I was just talking about Bible study. We're salty. Ok, count three and wait for the Lightening….

No, like I said, today I work. Today is not a Robiday. Today I slouch. Yesterday I got an email. A friend is going to a music festival today. Since I'm working, they promised to send me pictures.

How cool is that? That's almost as cool as being there. In fact when I walked into my bedroom, there was a guy standing over my t-shirt drawer selling stuff for $50. I walked out and locked the door. The police should be here soon. I'm hoping they'll get the scalper from my front lawn too. His hatchet is scaring the neighbor kids.

But now, I can slouch over my monitor and I see pictures of fun. The first picture was of peanut butter cookies. That was just cruel, cuz I so haven't perfected vicarious eating thing yet. Later shots showed me bands, skateboarders, and tattooed love girls in tank tops. My friend rocks! I haven't received the obligatory topless drinker girl on shoulders shot yet, but I'm waiting!

And waiting….

See, that is the one thing about vicarious slouchers. We're trapped by the subjects of the doers. We're like hospital patients: we eat what we're fed and nothing more. But I know that I'm getting better. Some day, I'll be released from my monitor. Some day I'll get a holiday.

Until then, I'm a writer, logging what I see others do. It's just so cool to know other people who care and do so much, just to let me see. The next thing I actually do, I'll do it for you.