Dialing For Tone.

Today's post has been brought to you by the word "GRRRR" and the gesture-

Oh my!

Yeah, forgive me, my mood is a little foul--and no football season jokes either. Thank you. If I'm gonna be in a mood, there will be no joking within a 3 page proximity of this blog. That's right, if you want some funny, get to the other side of the dotted whine.

Here's a joke for ya. No, a riddle. What goes, "ring-ring, ring-ring?" Answer? I don't know but it's not my phone. See? Not funny. See sometime around noon my phone went down, and not cuz the 900 number. I'm not sure why, just suddenly I had no service.

Yes, that breeze you feel is the joy just exuding from my body. And really, I am sorry, there something aromatic about used joy. It has a special musk.

I wouldn't normally be mad. Actually, this event was a minor divot in the parkinglot of my day. The mental metal grinding speedbump is coming up.

See, there are probably 2 things you should know about me if you don't know them already.

1. I'm a crisis magnet. If it's a small thing that can expand into a water balloon of catastrophe, then everybody close, prepare to get wet.

2. Normally my life is a blissful chaotic jumble. Birds sing tunelessly as they meander about the multicolored sky, and tree jiggle the potty dance to an erratic beat. There's lots to see and do in my world, but normally it's just so confused that most people stand as Otter Pops.

When something happens from point 1. though, that all changes. Suddenly I am a dog nipping the nit that won't leave my butt alone. Nit, today thy name is ATT.

So I check the phone, the phone is dead. Ok, it happens. I'd be a little more reassured if my neighbor hadn't come by last night to let me know that his phone line had been cut, and ask if I could watch his house for "suspicious activity."

I go outside, gone are the days when phone lines drop from the sky like kite string. Now they sprout from cement, and you're lucky if you can find them. I might as well be performing open heart surgery, because I've got an equal chance of success.

"Sorry dude, your heart has no dial tone."

So I wander back in. My pace and vocabulary are picking up energy. Thank God the kids are back in school, I'd hate for them to correct me.

"That's not how you use that word, mister."

I grab my cell..ok, you got me. Yes, I did grab my regular phone to call ATT. When I found no dial tone I created a new word, and grabbed my cell. I have nobody to call. I put the cell down.

Looking over my bill, I make a discovery: when did they stop publishing the repair number on that? Great. I go to the internet to visit ATTs website. At first run through I couldn't find anything, and got really worried when the only thing I could find was a do it yourself repair diagram. GRRRRR.

The site is set up like a curbside shell game. You want repair? Is it here? No…Here? No…Here? No, cuz it doesn't freakin' exist!

I do find something. It's a number in the yellowpages. Yes, I've resorted to old fashioned tools, they work best. I pick up my phone again--DAMN IT! My cell…and call.

"If you have a dog that barks in Spanish press cinco."

"uh what?"

"If a train leaves Chicago carrying 150 passagners, and one leaves Detroit at the same time, what's the percentage chance you're going to get help on this phone?"

GRRRR.

So I do 15 laps around the "help menu" and get nowhere. It was time to put on my thinking cap. Where would they hide the real people…

I called billing.

"If you want to pay your bill in advance, press the tip of your nose."

"Can I talk to a person please."

"I don't understand that."

"GRRRRR."

"I'm sorry could you phrase that in another way?"

"Listen Mother Fu-"

Dial tone. Great…on my cell, but not in my house. The irony is hardly chilling my boiling blood.

I try again, this time with a new tactic. Like I said I'm pretty dogged here. I'm flailing and freaking, and my cell phone is hanging on for dear life. There's a ring and a computer again:

"Please put your right leg in…"

"I can't pay my bill."

"Hi! Thank you for calling ATT! My name is Jennifer, how can I help you?"

I start easy, I'm just glad people exist, "Hi Jennifer, I'm Rob. When was the last time I paid my bill."

"Let's see…August 19th."

"When's my next bill due?"

"October 5th."

"Ok, I was just wondering if that's why I didn't have phone service…"

So three hours (and I wish I were exaggerating) and 1 Jennifer later, I've got a repair man coming out tomorrow. I really hope so, because I don't want to take the next step.

The next step is I consider Cable phone service. To do that, I have to call MyEx.

"Please stand by, your call is important to me…."