Ten-Dollar Words to Donuts

Words. They come in handy sometimes. Other times, they dangle from mouths like powder from donuts. My relationship with words tends towards the powder side, eyes a-glaze, nose a-hairy coconut. It’s more of a preference thing really. I like donuts. I also like the unexpected.

Superfluous tautology!

See? You didn’t expect that, did you? By definition, you should have, but that’s okay. Buy me a donut. I’ll give you more. Give me coffee and the word flow, like a nose run, will never end.

I love coffee, even more than I love donuts. Still, I prefer words. I eat them a lot. Their flavor suits me.

Some words are homographs. They taste better. For instance I could say, “I’m going to leaven the conversation,” and you could reply either of the following:

“No thanks, I’m allergic to yeast.”

or

“No Rob, you’re not that funny.”

Either response is correct.

There are other words that sound the same, mean the same, and are unfortunate just by correlation. I talked to a friend the other day, and her name is the same as MyEx’s. Now in most cases, this isn’t a problem. When I’m talking to the Pirate Queen though, it does alter her follow-up question.

Watch:

“I spoke with my friend whose name sounds like MyEx.”

“Really?”

Ok, and now…

“I spoke with MyEx.”

“Real-ly?”

See? Technically a heteronym: It’s spelled the same, but it sounds different and has very different meanings.

The same thing happened when I was a kid. My grandparents had the same name as MyEx too. No, not really, but wouldn’t that have been funny….no, my dad’s parents were divorced. This created a grandparo-plethora. As a little kid I knew what that meant. It meant that Dad’s parents were “Grandma and Grandpa with the games” and “Grandma and Grandpa with the tractors.” I was partial to the games.

“We’re going to Grandma and Grandpa with the tractors.”

“Really? I feel a little sick.” (Really meaning less than enthusiastic.)

“Really?” (Really, meaning less than believing)

“Really.” (Really, meaning I’m pushing this bluff for all it’s worth)

“Really, get in the car.” (Really, meaning “Sit down and shut up or I’m gonna beat your ass.” My parents didn’t need to curse when they had words like “really” in their vocabulary. They still did; they were bilingual.)

When my sister was born, the game parents shortened their names to “Oma and Opa,” and the other grandparents lost the tractors. No really. Nobody knows what happened to them. No, Really, stop looking at me that way. Ok, fine. They’re in my garage. Don’t tell Grandma. It was part of her identity…

Really, what I need is a quick name association for my Queen that tells her which “MyEx” I spoke to.

“So I called MyEx with the tractors today.”

“Really, how’s she doing?”

See? Perfect.

Actually that’s one good thing about the Pirate Queen. She knows about MyEx with the games. She even knows we speak. She’s not confused though. She knows the meaning of the word “spoke.” It has nothing to do with rekindled fires.

MyEx and I get along, but getting along is not synonymous with “reliving the past.” The Queen knows that I’m speaking for MyEx and myself when I say the words, “That ship has sailed.” If I’m just speaking for me, I add a donut to the mix. You know, “That ship has sailed and I got the donut.” The Queen nods, and knows.

“Here, have some coffee.”

MyEx and My Queen have not met. No matter how you pronounce it, that’s an inexpressible event. That’s not to say that they wouldn’t get along—Okay, yeah, that is what I’m saying. These are two different women from two different worlds. They have unique personalities, and unique qualities. If they met without the word “Rob” in the middle of their dictionary, they might get along, but I don’t see them as friends. Their vocabularies are so dissimilar.

And still, it’s moot: the word “Rob” does smudge their dictionary between roast and robe, and no one can erase it. Rob will always mean “elephant in the room” to them, no matter how much weight I lose.

I’m not confused that they’d fight over my tusks, or hide. It defines even less than that. It means that the word “Rob” rolls off both their tongues, but one woman’s Rob is another woman’s refuse.

Rob is a Jelly Donut.

Rob is a Paczki.

Eh, either way. I’m not a Berliner and I refuse to build a wall. But, I don’t see a word that would bring them into the same room either. I’m okay with that. They both know about each other. There is not a secret lexicon with super-secret nods and handshakes. We don’t belong to that type of group. Those groups have Kool-Aid, but they never have donuts. Imagine my disssapointment.

I’m not disappointed in our group. We’re a well-balanced threesome: glazed, sugared, and nutty. You decide which is which. The important thing is that My Queen and MyEx know that the other person exists as part of my vocabulary, but that the two words will never mean the same thing.

Now let’s talk about donuts.

The Trip

I've posted this everywhere else. I'm not sure why it's not here yet. This is The Pirate Queen's move to California

Zombies Make Honey, Zombies Just Buzz Around.

Zombies.

Yup. Zombies: that’s where we coalesce. All other monster ground is fraught with clutching fingers of disparity. Luckily we have other things to talk about. In second grade, this would have been a deal breaker. We’re adults now. When it comes to zombies, the Queen and I agree that we’re more likely to confront a flash zomb-mob, than a glistening Edward Cullen.

I know, my queen is heartbroken too.

“They’re coming to get you Barbara!”

No they’re not. And if they are, we’re safe. Neither one of us is Barbara. Okay, Okay, but just because she calls me that late at night, doesn’t mean it is my real name. She calls me the gimp too, but you won’t find that on my birth certificate.

Yeah, you could have fooled Dr. Grinder too. He was my first doctor. He saw a lot of unfortunate Rob moments. Doctor Grinder didn’t believe in Zombies. What was dead was dead. What was alive, well that was made to suffer through life’s pains. Life’s pains, that’s why Dr. Grinder was there.

One sixth-grade ball-tag frenzy ended with Justin Frey slamming a chain-link gate on my head. Why did he do that? Because I was it. I’d have done it too, with his head. A sixth grade “it” might as well be a zombie. Only problem is, “it” still consists of living tissue, and no matter how thick my skull is, the outer tissue still bleeds-Especially when smashed between a swinging gate and a steel pole. The C-latch gouged the top of my skull.

Good news for Jr. gimp Rob. I got out of school. The bad news? I got to spend the afternoon with Dr. Grinder. Dr. Grinder kept a metal probe for just such emergencies, and oh, how aliens cow mutilators would drool with envy every time he whipped that bad boy out.

“AHHHHHH!” That’s me. I’m screaming to the sound of scraping bone.

“Quit your sniveling,” That’s Dr. Grinder. “It can’t hurt that bad.” His Dremel sized steel poker wrenches against my skull.

“AHHHHHH!” That’s me again. “Yes it can. They could have impaled me with a fence post and it wouldn’t hurt this b--OWW!” In sixth grade, I’m not only failing biology; I’m failing Dr. diplomacy too. Like my horror movie mad scientists, Dr. Grinder is immune to reason.

Dr. Grinder has a point to prove, and that point’s digging deeper in my head. I cave before my cranium does. “OWWW! You’re right! You’re right! It doesn’t hurt. I’m a big baby! Now stop! Please! Stop!”

“That’s better. You’ll be fine” He slaps my back. “We should do a quick check-up while you’re here.” Snap! On goes the rubber glove. “Do you know my daughter, she goes to your school?”

“Nope! Never seen her!” I sprint from the office, before my mom could grab the consolation lollypop. Unlike gored zombie-bait, I’m all better.

Of course I knew the good doctor’s daughter. She dated a young Mr. Torres who was in my PE class. He scared me because his first name was printed on his T-shirt. That was before I learned there were no such thing as monsters, before I learned that Spanish pronunciations are different than English pronunciations, and before I learned that Hispanic families have different sets of traditional names than Anglo families.

“Mom, Jesus is in my PE class.”
“That’s nice dear. Tell him we’re sorry we missed him at church Sunday.”

“My parents say they’re sorry.”
“Why?”
“They missed you in church.”

Yes, that was the first time Jesus kicked my ass, sending me back to Dr. Grinder, but it wouldn’t be the last. At least Jesus didn’t eat brains. In church, we do that to him instead. Have you ever soaked your wafer in the wine? Try it next communion: looks like brains.

And that’s why the queen and I fear zombies: Symbolism. The early zombie movies were a metaphor for groupthink: angry mobs consuming life without restraint. Zombies are quite real in our nation, and it doesn’t matter which side of the red-blue line they devour you on.

They’re more than political. They’re all consuming on so many levels. What’s the worst part about zombies? We all can become one. For me that’s tough. I’m a stoic kind of gimp. I see the life’s tides change, and I remain still, my feet buried in the mud.

“Neither a chaser or a runner be…”

For the last year, I’ve isolated myself from most of the outside world. It’s not zombaphobia, although that would be reasonable. If I want to survive the great culling, isolation is a valid method. No, this just happened. Like the man in the time machine, the world passed, and I stayed still.

On the other hand, isolation is one way the monsters get you: they get you alone, away from assistance. The queen is here to protect me, but she can only do so much. She’s still flagging down svelte vampires. She doesn’t have time to babysit me.

So how do I protect myself from life’s zombies? What makes me different? Yeah, I can think, but if you stick a Rob in a box, and close it, that makes him both alive and dead: UNDEAD!

AHHHHH!

That’s right, you can thank the mad Dr. Schrödinger for zombie cats.

The only way to work through this is to act outside Rob’s box. How does a growing Rob thrive? Even jobless, I shouldn’t stop reaching out, interacting with my world. This week I signed up as a Red Cross volunteer. I also enrolled in school. I’m doing both part time, and both are efforts in zombie resistance.

See, the school is a way to re-acculturate Rob. I immerse him in a new people pool in hopes he’ll mingle pee with others. I’m taking classes that enhance my writing: Intro to Marketing, Web development, Yellow Journalism. It’s the Jason Voorhees trident of death.

Poseidon? No, that’s a boat, not a monster. You really need to read more. They did flip that ship for money in three different movies, though—scary stuff.

Scary stuff is also joining the Red Cross. I’ve always stood on the funding side of volunteerism. I threw money at problems until the green bills corked their cries for help. Now that I don’t have money to, I need to find other ways of returning the favor, other ways of being useful to my community.

I’m not used to that. It creeps me out a bit. Monday, I went down and talked to Jemmi, my local RC trainer. Jemmi’s a warm woman with a beaming smile, and an office cacophony of chirps and beeps from multitudes of social media devices. If you mixed your favorite HS counselor with Doc, from Back to the Future, you would have Jemmi.

“What do you want to do?” She asked, leaning over her desk, hands clasped, inhaling deeply.

“Well, I don’t know,” I leaned back, fingers clutching my chair between my legs, rocking back and forth. “I’m a writer, but I’m out of wor—“

“Well the Red Cross has four arms.” She holds up two of hers with two fingers extended on each. “First aid,” one finger down, “fundraising,” two down, both arms still up. “Disaster relief,” next down, “and” she says some speedy words here, but they flew out so fast that I didn’t catch them. Both her arms went down, and folded on her desk. Her fingers poised in church and steeple formation. “We really only recruit disaster relief in this office.”

“OK.” What else do I say? If I’m here to serve, then shouldn’t I serve where there’s a need, rather than creating a crisis to rally around first? That’s how the baby boomer brought us here to begin with.

“You don’t have a zombie resistance league?”

Jemmi explains the fundamentals of disaster relief and invites me to join once again. I wonder for a second, isn’t that a vampire thing? They invite you three times…or is that an occult thing? Crap! Mom was right! I never paid enough attention in class…

“OK.”
“First we need a quart of your blood.”
“What?” I bounce back.
“It’s a joke, Robert. “ Great. Jemmi is a comedienne too. “I need you to go fill out this paperwork.”
“What is it?”
“It’s legal stuff. Background, emergency contacts, stuff like that.” She’s extending a clipboard of paper with a pen.

Emergency contact? Why do they need that? It’s then that I realize what I’m signing up for. I’m not static standing stoic. I’m rushing forward to greet the horde. I’ve seen the zombie movies. Who are the first to get killed? The police, the fire department, and any other well-meaning ne’er-make-the-credits rushing towards the disaster to help.

Woosh!

Jemmi didn’t even see my shadow rushing away from that duty. I got a little freaked out. Like when Dr. Grinder snaps his glove.

It takes a special person to know that there’s danger and accept the risk for the sake of others. It doesn’t matter if it’s fire, flood, or decaying zombies. To live means to accept risks, to live in service of others means to accept their risks as well no matter how unfortunate, and sometimes stupid they are. This is the first time I’ve come face to face with that.

Still, I know who I am, and I know what I have to do: tomorrow I’ll call Jemmi back. I need to learn some things if I’m going to rush towards the zombies.

Rant-day

Sunday through Saturday, Saturday, through Sunday, every day has a plan, a schedule, a theme. That’s right. I take my lead from the ancient Geeks, who Fried, Sat, Sunned, and Monned—whatever the heck monning is. Whatever it is, you can bet the geeks did it.

Geeks?

Greeks?

Meeks?

Eh, whoever. The point is, they all did it to inherit the Earth. Why? That’s what they did on Monday.

“Hey, Stupidicus, did you get your monning done yesterday?”

“Oh, yes Lemmingus, Oblivia and I were up Monning all day. I can’t talk now though, we’re two-fering today.”

In the following centuries, the calendar hasn’t changed. Neither have we. That’s right, every calendar day marches forward appropriately. It’s got its feet on the ground and keeps reaching for the stars--at least on Casey Kasem Thursdays. The rest of the week is filled with Taco Tuesdays, and fish head Friday: every day specializing in a personal demographic.

For example, My Mondays are all about Demographics themselves. For those of you un-savvy in the ways of fish-in-a-barrel marketing, the word “demographic” may sound Greek. Those of you savvy un-savvy-ists, are smarter than your average bear demographic suggests: it is Greek.

I’m not Greek. I’m a Scott. Not as in the paper towel (cuz I’m leaky and fall apart), but as in the Northern European region without Greeks (where the men are leaky and the women fall apart). All I can tell you is that “Demographic” come from the words demo--or “demon,” and graphic, which means “naked picture on the internet.”

That’s right; demographics count how many people look at how much Internet porn on any given day. It’s a boring and stupendous statistic, but somebody’s got to count it. Demographic-demons look at other things too. When those graphic demons swim out, they also look at ways to stereotype people into consumer-stuffed fish barrels.

According to the cliché, It’s easier shooting. And you know why it’s called a “cliché: It’s French for “every Greek is doing it.”

A great example of the fish barreling is radio. Unless you listen to modern pop radio, you’re not listening to porn. Still, you are demo-gathered and barreled. Do you listen to love songs on the radio? According to today’s Demo-demons you’re a woman, probably 35-50, named, Mary, or a guy trying to pull the wool over one. All the advertisements are made especially for the first group, because everywhere that every Mary went, the second group was sure to go.

It’s true. Listen. How many ads want to lock you in the front seat of a “family” or “luxury” car? Why isn’t anybody selling you the latest Ford Mustang? Because, if you want to buy a Mustang, you belong to the porn station. If you’re here, SUVs are for you.

Abandon testosterone, all who enter here.

On the other hand, you don’t get strip club ads either. Their surveys say you won’t be found in one.

Me? I don’t do porn stations or strip clubs (No, REALLY!!!), but I am a card carrying Demographic. Yeah, don’t tell my dad. He would disown me. It’s true though: whenever I sign a form or anything, I check the boxes of my party: white (non-Hispanic), Male, 35-45, Divorced, and Unemployed. They know me: I’m Pavlov’s dog-in-a-box. Send a pretty girl to ring my bell, and I’ll drool every time. Yeah, the Pirate Queen takes full advantage of this.

“I told you, baby, I don’t want to watch the Care Bears on Ice--“

Ding!

“Yes mistress. I’ll get my keys.”

You’d think that the “Unemployed” dog-tag would move me to persona non careabouta (Another Greek term) in the consumer lists, but no. Demo-demons don’t care that American Express has rolled up their member carpet, and stolen away my reward privileges. They only care about the size of my refrigerator box and how many rooms are in it. They still see me as a consumer with opinions.

Well, I don’t know about “consumer” but I do have opinions, and that’s why Monday is survey day. Everybody sends me surveys: shopping groups, Internet companies, even American Express sends me a customer service email. I’m still more than happy to share my un-edited feelings with those demo-demons.

I’m an opinionated free spirit. Other demo-demons get my feeling too!

How do you feel about kitty litter, Rob?

Let me tell ya. I find it a little rough on my paws.

How do you feel about, Euthanasia?

I’m pro youth, no matter what continent. Oh, that’s not what you meant.

They collect my feelings, tally them, then add them to the growing group of others collecting in my demographic. My demo is huge--I wish other parts of me were that large! I’d be a party! My demo is a party though, and we’ll keep you up all night long! Yeah, we cry loudly about how much we used to have. It gets disturbing.

When I first got Divorced I felt so alone. All my friends were married. Even my parents were married. Maybe not to each other, but they still belonged with the in-crowd. I checked the “Divorced” box: I’m an outsider.

Not anymore!

I lost my job. There’s another group who’s kicked me out. I found a bunch of people from the first group out here too! The thing I’ve learned is that every time a door is slammed in my face, God opens a window for me to fall backwards through, but he also gives me people who catch me when I fall.

The thing is, I’m not an outcast. I’m part of a growing demographic. I’m part of the new American anti-economy. That’s right, we are the Pavlovian frothing, divorced, and unemployed, ruling the streets! Mac-n-cheese, and ramen noodles for everyone!

Mustangs and SUVs? PSHAW! If they’re not bound by Bondo and rust, they aren’t cars! We’ll have a new economy based on Facebook coins. That’s right. My people rule Facebook too!

Facebook: Where individuality lumbers to die: we like; we join; we follow.

And that’s the downside of demographics. No matter how you slice us, we come up peanuts, and we’re the same as everybody else. When we’re hurting, that’s a great thing. We’re not alone because somebody else has traveled the same road we have.

“My wife left me for an Mime with a lisp.”

“Mine too!”

Camaraderie.

At the demo-sheep-book end, it grinds us into homogeneous chuck. One size fits all. One all fits our consumer size. I can’t do that! I love you all, but I’m not you.

What’s more important for you: YOU’RE NOT ME!

Yes, yes, I know that’s quite a relief. When I was a kid I read “A Wrinkle in Time.” Do you all want to be It-Robs? I think not! No more than I want to be It-Reader #2s.

I remember as kids playing tag, nobody wanted to be It.

Today, I read about somebody creating a viral hoax just to shape the sheep. Why? To see if they could. Today, so many people clamor and crawl to be the Demographic It--the one showing others how to follow.

I guess that’s why I fill my calendar with schedules and themes, because even if I give a day to demographics, I don’t want to fill my life with them. I’m a Scott, not a Greek, and on Monday I fill out my surveys to skew the curve.

I have to wonder, if groups on demographics aren’t why we find ourselves in trouble to begin with. We’re all facing problems, but shouldn’t we face them as individuals? The only way to make it through this, is to stand up for ourselves. I’d tell you to follow me, and think for yourself, but that would defeat my own purpose.

Yes, Rob…

Follow you, follow your heart, follow God, and care for your fellow demographic-ians, for every demographic has enough trouble of its own. No matter how you fill your calendar, doing this makes you a better number, and shapes the demo of our world for the better.

A Fool and his Salad

God is great.

God is good.

Let us thank him for our food.

That’s the first prayer I learned as a kid—or it’s the first I remember learning. I remember it, because It’s also the first prayer I misunderstood.

Lettuce, thank him for our food?

That never made sense. Why would we assign a roughage veggie to thank him? First off, why would lettuce thank him when it was getting eaten? It seems counter productive to me. Second off, why don’t we do it ourselves? Can we trust lettuce? What if the lettuce gets our thanks wrong? I mean sure, it’s got a head, but it’s green and leafy to the core. Not an impressive prayer delegate if you ask me.

“God, I have a head of lettuce here saying that the Boyd family is grateful for this years liver and onion surplus.”

“Great! they will have plenty more!”

No thanks. I’ll do my own praying—Even if I’m doing it wrong.

And trust me, I am. In all my years I’ve learned that wiser I think I am, the stupider I become. Right now, I’m a head of lettuce.

The next prayer I learned had nothing to do with lettuce, directly. It was another grace prayer, though. It came from my mom’s family. It sounded like this:

BlessusohlordandthesethygiftswhichweareabouttoreceivefromthybountythroughChristourlordamen.

This was accompanied with a fingertip cross-chest Macarena, and a fork flurry. It was my first utility prayer: quick and festive, aimed at moving through “thanks” and getting to food in a quick, orderly fashion. I think the auctioneer monks of St. Hasten created it.

After that, a few years would pass before Robby was introduced to any new prayers. Then came the Lord’s Prayer: Rob’s next chance at mutilating the intention of prayer. It was a weird one. Learning the words was simple, but comprehending them got more difficult each time I spoke it.

I remember a Sunday in my twenties. I sat in church. Our congregation didn’t have the “Grant me the cute girl, two pews up, and three seats over” litany. Instead, we had the Lord’s Prayer. As I’m saying, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,” the words flowing from my mouth took root, and nearly ripped the hypocritical muscle from my mouth, like in one of those old Warner Brothers’ cartoons.

“Nu-uh! That’s not what I want!” I screamed from my station in the back of church. “Forgive me as I forgive others? You mean the same way I forgave Jimmy Swanson for sticking dirt in my sandwich? The same way I forgave Tammy Pintole for laughing at me in third grade? No, I’m hoping God’ll forgive me a touch better than that. Otherwise it’s just not quality forgiveness.”

Our prayer turned to a moment of silence, as the leaves between my ears made a core connection.

Ohhhh…

So I’m praying to forgive too? I’m not sure I’m ready to do that.

Still I tried. I mean, by twenty-five I’d done plenty that needed forgiving. If my current demeanor held, I’d need more than a nave full of worshipers to push me through the eye of that needle. If I wanted to be forgiven, then maybe it was time for a little Rob forgiving.

So I donned my favorite shoes, stopped trying to kick the ass of the unworthy, and moved my forgiving foot forward--and others stomped on it. When they weren’t stomping on it, I’d be pulling it from my mouth. The thing is, I did try, but there was another place I kept getting hung up. How far do I forgive? What’s the difference between being a forgiving person and being a foolish doormat?

That practice took more time to understand. I’m still not sure I have it down. I’ve just accepted that when in doubt, it’s better to err on the side of love. Sometimes it’s easier to hold a grudge than to let it go. It’s like our fists our locked in the clutch and can’t let go.

During my divorce, there was more than enough forgiveness to extinguish any of ire’s flames. We just refused to waste our valuable virtue on anyone unworthy the effort. In the end, pride did all the work for us…

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And isn’t that the heart of forgiveness lettuce? Pop that leafy globe against the counter and you’ll find a pride-less core. We’ve all been wronged, hurt, and betrayed—almost as often as we’ve wronged, hurt, and betrayed others.

Yeah, Jimmy and Tammy owe me one big salad for what they did all those years ago. You know what though? In the same breath I owe Chris, Dawn, and Billy quite a feast too, but forgiveness based on our own merits is one wilty salad indeed.

And that always leads me back to my beginnings:

God is great.

God is good.

Let us thank him for our food.

Amen.