Even Amway said, "We'll get back to you, Rob."
That's not encouraging.
I've applied for writing jobs, marketing jobs, communication jobs and employment coach jobs. In hindsight maybe the last idea was poorly conceived, but I need a job, any job.
"Do as I say, not as I can't do."
The Pirate Queen and I have already conducted several state of the union conferences. She recommended a new work mantra:
"Would you like fries with that?"
I can't. It's like Fonzie saying, "I was wrong." The words don't fit. I've swallowed too much crow so far. I can't eat those words too.
"What about entry level jobs," my queen asks.
I can work those jobs. I've applied for those jobs. Those employers don't call me back any more than the other employers do. I don't know if it's my approach or that 42-year-old beginners aren't as fashionable as they were 10 years ago.
Age and inexperience: It's the new black.
And isn't that the thing? I'm not alone. For every hundred of you reading my blog--Ok, I know, just play along here--there are almost 9 of you without jobs. That would be eight of you without jobs, and Dave. His left hand is still working, but his right hand doesn't know what the left is doing: the rest of him is unemployed.
If you're reading me in California, that's 11 of you with Dave, but at least Dave's whole left arm is a functioning member of society. The rest of Dave is pretty pissed.
If you're in Riverside County, then 14 of you are standing in job lines with Dave's left hand--The rest of Dave works here while the rest of us suffer. Shake his left hand anyway, no hard feelings. In fact his hand is soft but firm. Dave is a good guy.
Me? Not so much. I'm a little grumbly about standing in line with everybody else, trying for the same job. The line is even more discouraging, because there are more than 100 people in Riverside County. For every one of my 100 readers (yeah, stop laughing. It's not that funny) there are over 294,000 people, besides Dave, competing for the job I want.
The cream always rises to the top.
If that's the case, what do we call the stuff that sinks to the bottom? Oh yeah...great.
So, after beating my head against opportunity's door waiting for God to open a window, I've decided on a new approach: honesty.
That's right. Everybody out there is trying to oversell and out-maneuver the competition. It's time to just tell it like it is. That brings us to my latest cover letter/resume:
Situation needed: Rob of all media trades seeks employment.
Do you have standards? Me too/neither! I am an over-trained under-worked workhorse with a minimal track record, seeking to be exploited for alfalfa sprigs and sparse attaboys.
Are you tired of requiring five years of work experience in your job postings? I'm tired of lying that have them! But I'm not going to get those five years unless somebody lowers their standards. Why shouldn't that somebody be you?Because what I do have is five years radio and television broadcast and production school-studio time. I can run and troubleshoot any hardware that makes sounds or casts shadows. That includes studio staff.
As the student manager of a redheaded stepchild college radio station, I led a staff of credit grubbing freshmen and munchy hungry stoners through three semesters. In that time the station garnered a reputation for least offensive miscreants gathered on campus. Our record of zero administration enforced shutdowns and one reprimand (for referring to the school administration as, “Castro and his cronies”) still stands unmatched. This is not only a testament to an experimental dry campus policy, but also a demonstration of my laissez-faire leadership skills.
This experience is just a light questionable film on my stripper-pole of training. I also have design/office software experience dripping down my leg. If Adobe published it or Microsoft mico-tweaked the functionality from it, I have spent hours cursing it, breaking it, reinstalling it, and making it my bitch. This not only qualifies me with a professional level of expertise, but it also means that your in-house IT team can continue monitoring the spyware you installed into the corporate email browse while I answer everybody else’s dumbass questions.
Do you need a writer? I can do that too! As a writer, I’ve received a 3.5 GPA for my collective portfolio of brochures, pamphlets, ad copy, press releases, articles, public relations puff, and short fiction. Non-pay web-zines and other online gathering holes have already launched successful sites with my gratis labor, why wait your turn, when you can cut in line for a few pennies an hour?
“We love your work!” said Paula Sirois of divorce360.com where I submitted blogs for unpaid publication. Other free labor recommendations are available upon request.
My talent for adaptive voice can be your voice! I am a corporate tool waiting to be worked. No job too menial, no paycheck too small. I am your man, a yes man, a no man whichever man you want, man.
Idealists say, “I will never sink to that level.” I will sink that level like the Titanic at an iceberg party. There’s no limit to the depths I’ll plunge to keep my life afloat. If you can fathom the words, I’ll string them together till they touch the bottom of the Mariana Trench to make fifty cents.
If you’re interested, contact me soon because sycophants of my quality don’t come often and when we’re gone, we’re gone; barnacle lips on the corporate ass-ship until the day the ship goes down.
