Oscar Goat's Gruff.

Everybody’s talking Oscar.

Nobody watched, but everybody’s talking it. Well that’s not true. Some people did watch the Academy Awards. The fishbowlers watched so they could rub up their famous favorites as they strolled down the red carpet.

“Honey, could you stop licking the screen? There’s a Brad Pitt stain, and, frankly, you’re scaring the kids.”

But even they draw the curtains and Windex the 1080p of Hi-Def glory, after the show actually starts. They don’t care about the awards. They didn’t pick the movies, and they certainly didn’t get to vote.

And years like this year, picking the best Oscar horse wasn’t even a head scratcher of a horse race. My cat’s Oscar picks were more accurate than an LA weatherman’s forecast.

“Today will be sunny, with smog.”

“Mew-mew.”

The mews have it.

Members may have voted on best drama, but there’s no drama on the screen. Why watch? Seth MacFarlane? Unless he does the whole show as Peter Griffin, nobody even knows who he is. And, since he’d told us in advance that the Oscars were not the “Family Guy,” why watch? I’ll just turn to Fox and watch the Seth I know is gonna be funny.

The problem with the Academy Awards is that it doesn’t reflect our opinion. We the people who pay $10 a ticket to watch their movies don’t get a vote. The Academy Awards reflect the opinions of academy members who slip DVD copies of their movies under doors of clandestine closets, like they’re taking confession.

“Forgive me, Meryl, I made Twilight.”

“You are forgiven, now go watch 3 Argo’s and one Lincoln.”

We may not pay that kind of penance, but we do pay to keep their industry alive, and our votes don’t count for more than a nod at box office scores. That’s ok. Let them have their little back-pat circle-jerk, just don’t expect me to watch. I can only take so much self-love.

“You’ll shoot your eye out.”

It’s like watching Hemmingway talk about his favorite Hemmingway books. Ernest was an interesting guy, but four hours of hearing about him, from him, for the love of him, sounds like less fun than a barrel of bedbugs.

And that’s my impression of the Oscars.

Maybe I will watch when they start honoring what we the viewer watch. I looked into that—what we the viewer watch—Do you know what we watch? Goats. Yup, according to YouTube hits, we watch goats, a lot of goats.

Based on our YouTube history, this would be the shape of our Academy Awards based on viewing:

Best Goat Documentary:

Best Actress in a Goat Drama:

Best Goat Musical:

Best Foreign Goat:

Yah, sorry. He’s everywhere.

 “Goat-Goat style”

No wonder the Academy picks their own movies. Next year I’ll just watch the Oscars.