Disfunctional Locationships

Ever notice when a locationship ends, the imperfections of the offending location glare brighter than Las Vegas neon?

Detroit and I, we still hang out. Really, it’s because we have to. I have nowhere else to go. Although we’re uncomfortable around each other, we smile and muddle, until we can afford to separate.  It’s in this time that bad locationships, are the same as bad relationships. This is that phase where everything the other person does wrong reminds you exactly what pushed you over the edge in the first place.

My reasons for disillusion should be filed under “irreconcilable differences.” Detroit isn’t abusive, overly violent, and it rarely cheats. It’s not perfect, but it tries…sometimes, and for some people, that’s enough. For me, it’s like stealing a kiss from Jane Krowly in junior high. She was beautiful when she didn’t speak, but once you kissed her, you had to talk to her.  It was doomed from the start.

Same with Detroit. Despite it’s rugged reputation, I wanted to believe in the city that slept with a gun under her pillow. She’d lived through a lot; now was her underdog comeback.

We all love underdog stories. MyQueen and I watched “Rudy” last weekend. Even she chanted “Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!” in the end.

“Alright honey, can I stop now?”

“No! you gotta keep going! Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!”

“You are so going to Steel Magnolia hell for this…”

Underdogs remind us that we all have a shot. I’m in a very underdog susceptible place these days. You know what we all love even more than underdogs though? We love redeemed underdogs. That’s right.  Look at the prodigal son. Who didn’t cheer the young rebel come home to make good?

“Detroit! Detroit! Detroit!”

That’s right. Detroit’s been a bad boy. We all want to believe that this is its time to come home and make good: to apologize and accept the reward of grace, and not the reward it deserves. We’re ready, Detroit!

Unfortunately, if Detroit were the prodigal son, our story would end with Detroit coming home, suffering from a raging case of herpes, turning to its father, and saying, “Ya know, I think I want to go out whoring some more.”

The latest prodigal efforts by Detroit involve the island of Belle Isle.  When I moved here, I knew nothing of Belle Isle. MyQueen was quick to educate me though, she’d grown up with Belle Isle history.

According to Wikipedia, it’s a 982-acre island on the Detroit River that houses a race track, aquarium, and a conservatory.  According to MyQueen, it’s a kick-ass piece of Detroit history.  Belle Isle has been a park since the mid 1800’s, although during World War II it also served as a staging area for the military. This is that part of the Detroit personality that first attracts you.

Until you find that it’s a part of Detroit that she just squanders.  Belle Isle, through the bad years has suffered as much as Detroit itself. The bathrooms don’t work and have been replaced by porta-johns. The paths and trails are littered with branches, leaves and other discarded debris. And despite the natural beauty of the park, everything seems to be buried beneath the gloom of disregard.

On the one hand, you can’t blame Detroit for the disregard of Belle Isle. Maintenance costs are roughly $6 million a year, and that’s just keeping it at its current state. That does not include building it back up and repairing what needs to be fixed. Last year they had to stop the Belle Isle Grand Prix because the road patch came up mid race. Belle Isle needs some pretty expensive TLC that the Detroit can’t afford to give itself, let alone one park. In Detroit’s state, fire and police departments are luxuries.

“Ya know, I think I want to go out whoring some more.”

That’s where the State of Michigan comes in. Not the whoring part. Michigan is the father; try to keep up. Michigan offered to take care of Belle Isle, to maintain it as it does any other state park.  The state offer wasn’t to buy the park, but to lease it for 10 years. After 10 years, Detroit could elect to take back Belle Isle, or leave it in the hands of Michigan. This wasn’t an adoption program, as much as a foster parent arrangement.

Yes, the state would reap the profits, and those profits would go back into the park system, but Michigan is in a much better state than Detroit is—figuratively speaking, of course. Michigan can afford it. Belle Isle is our prodigal son’s love child, and Daddy Michigan, is more than willing to look after her, while Detroit gets it’s private parts cleaned up.

Like any deal, this deal did have a downside. For the city, the downside included a clause written into the contract saying that although the state would maintain the property, it would not maintain the utilities, which would be lighting and plumbing. So the toilets would probably still on Detroit to fix. It also said that the state may, but is not obligated to continue any contracts, or construction affiliated with the park. That meant that the state could let go of people, bring in their own people, and even hire new teams for construction or maintenance projects. 

The downside for the visitors?  The state would charge an $11 fee to visit the park. That’s $11 you’d pay to visit any state park, and once you’ve paid the fee, you could visit any state run park within the year for no additional charge.

At the mention of a fee, the city of Detroit balked. First the city said, a fee is outrageous! This is a public park, for the public of our fair city. Later they amended that to say, unless the city gets that fee.

A city fee is a not as good a deal as a state fee though. First, a visitor won’t get to visit other city or state parks for proposed fee. Second, according to the Detroit Free Press, the proposed city fee will need to be a per visit fee, to potentially break even with the $6 million per year maintenance. Even with that fee, Detroit mayor Dave Bing, says the city will need to close 50 other parks, and limit the maintenance of 19 other parks, to support the costs.

Translation: we’ll create 69 new locations for our limited vice cops to patrol.

So did Detroit get greedy, seeing that the state would charge a fee, or was it the part of the contract that endangered deals they’d brokered with local companies, or was it something completely different? Whatever the cause, the city has said, “no thanks” to the state’s deal, and the state took their money to play somewhere else. Now Detroit will need to find a new way to staunch its financial bleeding.

Detroit: It hurts when we pee.

That’s not the official city slogan. The PR team is discussing alternatives. They do say that the state offer wasn’t all that. That’s all they are willing to say. That, and that they will have their own plan…soon. Soon, but for now nobody’s sure of anything, except that the city wants to charge an entrance fee to the park, and that they’re talking of revising a previous plan that was rejected in the 1990’s because it would cost $180 million to implement. Where is the city getting $180 million when they can’t even keep Belle Isle toilets open?

The only thing anyone can be sure of is that, with Detroit, it’s hard to be in a dysfunctional locationship.

Sources: Detroit Free Press mlive.com.