Getting Schooled

First it was hiding the salami, now it’s swapping the tuna. What’s this world coming to? Something’s rotten in the state of Denmark and, yes, this time it is the fish.

And the mongers.

And the retailers.

And some restaurants.

There’s a fish racket going on and it’s not just those singing McDonald minnows.

“Fishy, Fishy…”

Well, wait, they’re not minnows—but that is the problem. When buying fish, nobody knows what they’re eating. It’s not the same thing as the Nugget mystery meat quandary of the 80’s:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To hide his nuggets.

What is a chicken’s nugget, and can you show it to me while my children are watching?

These are not the latest fishy questions raised by a concerned group of watchdogfish. Their question is simple: Is the fish you order the fish you’re getting?  According to Oceana, a non-profit ocean protection group, the answer is, “no.”

Sorry Charlie.

Oceana sampled fish from retailers, restaurants and mongers and found that all too often, the fish you order is not the fish you’re getting. Order red snapper at your favorite restaurant? It could be tilapia. Is your free salmon farmed?

“Moooo!”

Probably not that farm, but there is a difference between free and farm salmon, and that is usually included in the price.

So to whom do we point the fishy finger of blame in this ocean-sized conspiracy? I say it’s Charlie Tuna.  You can never trust an old tuna in glasses. What about Chicken of the sea? “Ask any mermaid you happen to see?” Really? And where am I finding this well endowed bastion of aquatic truth?

“Yup, that’s a chicken.”

“Holy crap!”

I have a far better chance of finding somebody to blame for mislabled fish than I have of finding a mermaid.

What about the fish themselves? Is this underwater espionage? Are grouper infiltrating schools of Atlantic cod in order to discover the secrets of the deep, only to get schooled in the circle of life?

“In the circle of life, I am but a triangle.”

And the triangle grouper still gets eaten as battered cod. Because we don’t know the difference. Our little See-and-Say never distinguished fish noises for us. Sure, the cow goes, “moo,” the sheep goes, “baaa,” but what does the Sea Bass do? 

Hold up a chart of underwater swimmers in an optometrist office and you’ll get the following:

“Read line one please?”

“Fish.”

“Line two?”

“Fish, fish, fish, fish”

“hmmm…Which way is the perch pointing?”

“I can’t tell.”

“I see…let’s try this. How about now?”

“Mackerel, Mahi Mahi, Amberjack, Bluefish.”

“As I thought, Mr. Brown.  You need fish-focals.”

We all do. Oceana says the best thing to do is to buy your own whole fish and prepare it. Many fillets look alike, whereas whole fish do look different. This only helps if you know what you’re looking at.

Buy a fish book. I’m sure Oceana will start selling them for donations.

In the meantime: caveat emptor, fishy, fishy.