I’m not Catholic, but if I were, I’d want to be pope. In fact, I’ll pull the pointy hat off
my pointy little head and throw it in the ring. Catholics, if you want me on
your team, make me pope. I’m a great
addition to any bowling league, and a ringer wrestler. For full disclosure
though: Vatican league softball will suffer under my reign.
I heard the exiting pope was a solid fielder. The Cardinals
will miss that. Right now they’re
bitter. Did you hear what they’re doing to Pope Benedict before he leaves?
Most companies, throw you a party, then take your security
codes and make you sign a confidentiality waiver. Not the Vatican. I’m sure there’s a waiver, but that’s
between Benedictine and God. The Vatican doesn’t have time for such
trivialities. They want what’s important: the popes red shoes. That’s right. Tomorrow the pope gives a
farewell speech at St. Peter’s Square. After that, he’ll smile, wave and
disappear behind the curtain, never to be seen as pope again. Behind that
curtain the pontiff will turn over his Swiss Guard, his papal ring, and his
awesome red shoes to a wardrobe accountant.
“And remember, never let those ruby slippers off your feet
for a moment, or you will be at the mercy of the Wicked Witch of the West.”
Glenda would be so disappointed.
Pope Benedict does get to keep his white cassock. yay! Sounds like a bad
day on “Let’s Make a Deal” to me. He’s also the one pope who gets out alive. I
think there’s something to say for that. No, really, there is something to say.
Say, “His Holiness Benedict XVI, Roman pontiff emeritus.” That’s his new title.
Friends will still call him “Stymie.”
Without the red shoes, nobody will every call him Dorothy
again—or pope, for that matter.
Shoeless Joe? No, that one’s already taken.
So now that “Stymie” enters the private sector, what will he
do? He was a pope. That’s a hard act to follow. I don’t take him as a sit on
the porch and yell, “Get off my lawn, baby Jesus” sort of guy. Or, really as a
stay-at-home guy. So, in honor of the worlds first pontiff emeritus, here are a
few post-papal options. Hope they help:
1.
Make a Harlem Shake video
2.
Challenge Lance Armstrong to a race. Lance gets
his drugs, Stymie gets God
3.
Tour with the Chili Peppers
4.
Move to Mars. “Mars needs pontiff emeritus!”
5.
Stay on as a paid papal consultant
6.
Go to Universal Studios, cast out Harry Potter.
7.
Judge on American Idol
8.
Become a weather man
9.
Challenge Chuck Norris to a Badass contest
10. Wal
Mart Greeter
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