What Would Rob Do?

I've been reading things. That's right. Three more books and I get a gold star and a notation in Junior Scholastics. Woo Hoo! Remember Junior Scholastics? Remember how when you were a kid you used to read everything all the time? What happened to that? What happened to people who read? I've noticed people spend way too much time online. I've noticed because I've been online watching.

That's right, I'm always there. If you close that top window, there I am. See? Wave hi! I'm waving. No, no need to look behind you. That guy with the ax? That's not me. Don't look at him. Right now we're talking about me and my discoveries. He can wait. He's got an ax to grind; he'll still be there later.

Ok, let's talk some more about people online. Let's talk about MMORPGs. I'm an authority. I don't play MMORPGs. Lets face it, if I can't pronounce the acronym, I'm probably not going to play it. WYSIWYG? That's an acronym I can get behind. It should be a game. It should be a way of life.

For those of you who only go online to check mail and see that everything is A-OK at AOL, you're probably WTFing ROB and his MMORPGs. That's fine. I am so not a WTF virgin. I've was tossed into that volcano years ago. People always tilt their head and ask me WTF. I can't answer all your questions, but I can offer this about MMORPGs:

The term stands for Massively Multi-player Online Role Playing Game. And no, it has nothing to do with naughty nurse and the tasteless orgies (NNATO), if it were, I might go ahead and play. I'm feeling a little feverish.

"Heal me baby with your thermometer of justice!"

Nope, most MMORPGs are a bunch of Hobbit wannabes forming rings of co-dependence with other halfling halfwits from around the world.

And see? This is the part of the blog where I find out who does MMORPG. Notice the +3 cyber daggers of maiming in my pic? Yup, they're haters and playas. It's ok, don't get too upset. There are plenty of reasons to hate Rob, if you haven't found one yet, you'll all have your own Rob Hater avatars soon enough. I'm planning on starting a MMORPG based on it. I'll call it ROB, it'll cost hundreds to play, millions to continue.

This way to the Egress…

So now the question running through your mind (Other than "Who is that guy behind me and why does he have an ax?") is, "why has Rob wasted a half page on this crappy acronym?" Let me answer that, my friend.

Because MMORPGs are bearing the fiery wrath of the divorce dragon. That's right, divorce is razing cyber cities, leaving simple minded Sims plotting graves of scorched earth. Those thousand points of light? They're all Joan of Arc avatars staking claim to realms of ash.

People aren't happy enough destroying their real lives with divorce, that have to muck with their fantasy world too.

A few months ago I read about a woman who divorced her husband because he couldn't step away from the World of Warcraft. He was an addict, and she was neglected. Ok, she didn't muck up her fantasy life. She probably didn't muck up his much either; she left him in his mom's basement with his computer. He had all he needed.

Still, let me make sure I've got this straight: He couldn't stop playing with himself online long enough to fondle his wife? Really? How hard is that?

"Honey I'm naked slathered in honey and I need somebody to lick me clean before the killer ants get me. Help me you Elvin stud."

"Not now, I'm grinding an orc lord into goblin-mix with pineapple. I have an epic journey tomorrow."

Ok, when did our culture lose it's taste for reality? Who chooses WoW over wow?

Then there's what we had here last week. Did you read about this? There was a woman who's husband announced he was divorcing her, so she did what any other vengeful bride would do. She snuck online, broke into his account, and murdered his Maple Story avatar in it's sleep.

Now, since she logged into his account first, it no longer looks like a murder…that's right, it's a suicide. That's awesome! CSI: Maple Story's Grisham and Willows couldn't find any evidence of wrong doing, just a dead avatar and lots of black light special cyber goo. No sign of foul play.

Here's the real interesting thing: While not facing cyber prison for her crime, the wife may do hard time in a real prison. Yup, Japan takes it's cyber murder seriously. It's not as bad as real murder though. They'll give her 5 years max. Since Maple Story has already ruled it a suicide, they won't ask for extradition. It is an embarrassment on their CSI team though.

See? We spend way too much time online. On the one hand it can bring us closer to the ones we love. Spouses who are separated by real distance can get together and bounce around the net like they're in the same room. But like any other technology we let it absorb us, until our husk perches over a keyboard without any peripheral knowledge of the world outside.

Even you are trapped reading my blog. Go out, have fun, spend time with the one's you love before you end up like me: FUBAR.

Oh yeah, still worried about that guy with the ax? Just ask yourself this: WWRD? In this situation, that'll never steer you wrong more than once.