Hello Gorgeous!

Can you say gorgeous?

Yes I can, and no, this isn't a vocabulary test, this is the opening line in an email I got today.

"Can you say gorgeous?"

Geffnendus

I knew you could!

"...Hope you're still available…"

Uhm…why? I read on. I wasn't really excited, I mean this is the Myspace MyMail account. The only mail I get here that isn't from my sister is from some Sluts-R-Us site. I keep thinking I should make Myspace private, but then I wouldn't get the phishing line of 24 year old girls sauntering across my screen asking to be my "friend." It makes me feel important.

This was different. This was an email. I don't usually get those in Myspace. I read on…

"...I was showing my mom how to search for guys on the site because she's looking for someone decent to date."

Mom?

What?

Huh?

I stopped reading. Don't get me wrong. I'm no anti-mom. I have 2 of my own. They're great. I wouldn't date them though.

That's not to say I wouldn't date somebody else's mom. But something about--I looked up the daughters web page. Yeah, I felt kinda sleazy doing it, I mean the daughter was kinda cute. Should I ask her out? No. I do like how she's got Miller Lite logos all over her page though.--a 22 year old girl asking me to go on a blind date with her mother, gives me the return-to-high-school-goose-bump-creeps.

When I was in high school I was like any other guy--only sexier. Ok, no. But I was the Robiest of them all, thank you very much. Nope. That didn't get me very far then either.

Still, one of the easiest way to thin the dating herd was to give girls my picture. The ones who said, "Oh…thanks" and shoved the snapshot into the Chem book in the back of the locker were obviously not the ones with the highest potential.

Likewise, the girls who came back the next day and said, "My mom thinks you're cute," were quickly getting crossed off too. Who dates somebody their mom approves of? Yeah, I've seen all the James Dean films. That never happens.

"...If you want to meet an outgoing, charismatic woman, you'll love my mom."

Ok, so I peeked ahead. I mean really, are moms any more likely to date men their daughter's find "really special" on some Myspace search, than daughters are to date the guys moms think are "cute?" When have you met 2 generations of women with the same taste in men? And if you answered anything other than "in porn," than don't you think that's a little creepy? Ok, yes, even if you did say, "in porn," isn't it still creepy?

Can you say gorgeous?

So how does she know what mom likes? And what about my page screamed "I'm it!" I'm not trying to bag on myself, I do that naturally. I'm just trying to understand how this is a good idea--for anybody.

Sure it's great that some daughter is teaching mom how to find internet stalkers, but shouldn't she teach her to show discretion? I'm just a MySpace post face in the crowd. It does make me wonder: How is this girls image of what her mom wants better than my self image?

And what is wrong with my self image? Maybe it goes back to my junior high dance space.

"Wanna dance?"

That's Janice. She's cute. Not "hot," but cute, and she asked me to dance.

"Sure."

That's me. I'm the shy guy hanging out with my friends against the wall wondering what the hell I'm doing here. Janice has just suggested a good reason. So she grabs my hand and leads me across the floor, "What's your name?" she yells over Kenny Loggins' "Caddyshack Theme." I tell her, because it's obvious who's in control here.

Just before we get to the floor, she makes a quick turn the other way.

"Mandy? Rob?--Rob wants to ask you to dance."

Mandy was the girl that nobody wanted to ask to dance. And yes, I'm not above saying that "nobody" included "Rob." So here's the thing: Janice had left me with Mandy, what does that mean? I'm not good enough for "cute" Janice? Does that mean that Rob's the male equivalent to Mandy?

It didn't help my pubescent psyche.

Can you say gorgeous?

Geffnendus.

I knew you could!

So where does this leave Calita22's mom and I? Who's Mandy? Who's Barry Manilow? Was Mandy really a neighbor's dog? Could a reply email here be anything but awkward?

Cuz I remember Mandy. I had a class with her my senior year. She was really shy. Nobody spoke to her, but I could tell that she was really smart. She sat behind me, and we'd talk. By that time, I didn't care as much about who was at the bottom of the dance list. I don't know if she ever remembered the dance. I wanted to forget it, because it tarnished my view of Mandy, and it couldn't have helped her opinion of me, "the guy who had to be drug by a decoy."

So what is gorgeous? And how can I grade a mother on what her daughter says? I mean if she really is, then my self opinion, will obviously get in the way, and if she's not, then Calita22 has set everybody up to fail.

I ask again, "How is this a good idea?"

Ms. Mom is probably wonderful. I hope that she finds a guy who's really special. What's more, I hope she finds him on her own terms.

"...you'll love my mom."

I won't be him, not this way. I delete the email. If Ms. Mom wants to meet, she knows where MySpace is. Let mom decide who's right for herself.