Strapping Young Post.

Lift yourself up by the bootstraps.

Have you ever tried that? I have. Let me tell ya, first off, most boot straps aren't really big enough to accommodate heavy lifting, second off just how can I do this without levitation skills? I mean it's not like I have these straps stitched into my butt. Although a novel concept, but let's face it (so to speak) they would only make my jeans lumpy. I like my hairy butt, and it doesn't have boot straps. I suppose I could braid handholds, but those would only be for some lucky lady. I don't touch my butt that much.

Still, sometimes the concept represented by boot straps is almost as difficult as screwing your pants on, one leg at a time. You don't screw them on? Huh. But wouldn't it be fun to try? One or both legs, doesn't mater. It seems to get some dogs off. I'm sorry, I digress.

Where was I? butt straps? Ah, yes. See lifting yourself up is very difficult. Ask anybody who's gone through a divorce, they'll tell you that it's the next hardest thing to rolling out of bed in the morning--at least at first.

I must admit. That was one thing I liked about being married. I liked being able to latch onto somebody else's butt straps, and get help standing up. It was easier, and much more fun to hook my fingers into.

"Hey! I told you no!"

"Sorry."

See, actually MyEx is a good person, but motivation wasn't always her strong suit. Did it hurt us? Well it probably didn't help, but neither did the Soprano's series finale. Who can say how important that was, we missed the last 2 minutes. In retrospect, the one thing I've learned about divorce is that "In retrospect" doesn't mean a damn thing. It's no more useful than boot straps. And yet both are supposed to support the weight of the life ongoing.

In retrospect, MyEx wasn't a great motivator.

Still that isn't to say that she was never there. It's just that it was like sex in the dark: I had to find her first.

"Marco."

"Polo"

"WREEOOWWR!"

"Wrong fuzzy thing. Try again."

Yeah, she never had boot or butt straps there either. That's ok, at least there, half the fun is climbing back up. Not in life. If you're climbing, then you're down already.

When you're alone, being down sucks more, cuz then it's just you and the worthless freakin' boot straps and boot straps aren't real. They're expressive extensions. Boot flair if you will. They're simply there for show. So are most friends. You can lean on them, but divorce requires a lot of help. After a while, you're cast out as an emotional vampire.

"I've come to suck your will to live."

"Quick pull out your butt straps, it's our only hope!"

"AAAAHHH! I'm melting…"

"Take that! You and your wretched winged butt monkeys of worry!"

Yeah sorry I didn't write that, that's from a little known Frank Baum/Braum Stoker collaboration. There, they dealt with drugs and depression. Think Twilight meets Midnight Cowboy on the bridge to Terabithia, before bungie jumping with Trolls and Gruff Goats. Good family fun.

See when you're alone you have to use everything at your disposal because nobody else is going to lift you up. Yeah, this isn't an "Awww, Rob" moment, it's just true. It's survival. You know divorce, you've been there. There are things you do that make up for your boot strap's weakness. Some of us climb into books, others build themselves up in physical activity, while other weirdoes just float away in music. We're all different but we all have our straps that we cling onto.

Sometimes we're lucky. Sometimes there's an extra hand, and somebody attached to it. Somebody who says, "here take mine." but usually no. Usually we do what we can. The other thing to remember about handholds is that some are real, some are glad hands. Never grab the latter; you'll only fall.

It's not depressing, it's survival. Me? I get lost in my mini adventures. I have fun finding straps like rock climbing hand holds. I like hand holds. I'm ok with finding straps.

The important thing is to roll out of bed, and take each day as the adventure it is. The day somebody else is there, cherish it. The day your boot straps hold, call it a blessing. It's one boot step into tomorrow. And really that's what we're all striving for.