Fortunate Son

"Wednesday is your lucky day."

I don't know why, but I save my fortune cookie fortunes. They're a sandwiched ream pressed between my iPhone and it's rubber sheath. Maybe by saving them that near to the phone Ms. Cleo will call me and pay me $3.99 per minute. I'll breathe heavy if she asks.

"A pleasant surprise is in store for you."

Yeah, it's like those fortunate mini-hearts we chew up and spit out every Valentine's Day. "Choose Me" and the whatnots of the she-loves-me-not world. We want them to be true. We'd love Ben's her to choose us. If love where as simple as pressed sugar and yellow #5, family litigators would all be ghosts of Valentine's past.

"Important Events are in your future."

Woo Hoo! Love isn't that simple. And we frequently read "blessing" instead of "warning." When we see these fortunes, why don't we ask "which important events?" For all we know we could be patient zero for some new venereal strain that turns our genetalia into abstract Picasso nudes. That would be important. On the other hand I wouldn't send prints home to mom.

"Cherish Home and Family as a special treasure."

I got that one (the fortune, not the VD) the week after my divorce finalized. Yeah, somebody has a great sense of humor. I got one 2 months back that read, "Romance and travel go together now." That one was a little better; sometimes they do come true. They just take a while.

One night when I was feeling really alone, and just wanted something; a voice somewhere to say "Hey!" I got one that read, "You will touch the hearts of many." That warmed my yellow #5 heart. It didn't do much for my Picassatalia, but we can't have it all. I thought getting something was cool. I stuck that one behind the phone as soon as I got it, because I wanted it to be true. What was really cool, was the thought touched me and made me smile. Maybe by repeating it it'll touch you.

No? Nothing. Ok, so I'm still a work in progress. On that, all the cookies can agree.

I'm a firm believer in God too, and no, I don't necessarily believe that he works through twisted confections. That's like telling God to keep his calendar clear because you may need him on speed dial. That never works. He always has plans. I just wish they were always my plans.

"Star Light, Star Bright, Your Wish will come true tonight."

"Thanks God!"

Yeah, that's not how that works. I've learned that the hard way. Still I do believe he finds familiar ways to bring us comfort.

Once while I was living in Milwaukee, I was feeling really low. It was the middle of summer, and I was living on campus--me and 15 foreign exchange students who spoke as much English as I spoke Japanese. I'm not sure why they chose our school. It certainly wasn't the sunny summer or the quality Wasabi, but there they assembled; preparing for the new semester. Me, I didn't have any place to go. I rented a room on campus and worked in the mail room forwarding stuff to people who did have plans and were no longer there.

"Fortune cookie says your sensitivity is an asset"

Anyway, I'd just broken up with a girl I was seeing. She was the last ex before I met MyEx. I think I broke up with her. I know that technically I did. I'd been seeing her for a few months and I thought things were going really good. One night we were lying in bed and she asked me, "So, what do you think we are? What is our relationship?"

I said, "I don't know." because, well, I didn't.

"Let me tell you what I think," because she had an opinion on everything and would gladly tell you what it was, she continued to tell me," I think we're really good friends who have really good sex." Ok, first off, I'm not making up the last part. That's what she said. Trust me, I've posted it on my wall. It makes up for all those times I may not have been at my best. I know I have a potential, I'm a contender!

See? She says so. Then again, maybe she was just talking about her effort. I which case that sucks, cuz all I needed to do was lie there. I could have been the best corpse she ever had. Huh, she's not the first to compare me to a corpse either...

I filed the other part away too. I began to dwell on it. I realized that that's not what I wanted. I didn't really want to be really good friends who had really good sex, even if it meant giving up either or both options. That's when I broke-up, although you could argue that friends don't break up. Wherever you draw your line in the cookie dough, fortunes said we'd never speak again.

"You have a reputation for being straight forward and honest."

Honestly, I was broken up about breaking up. I didn't want to do it. There I was living alone on campus, choosing to be alone for all the "right" reasons.

yay me…

One night I left campus to be near people I could understand. I went to a small convenience store to buy my favorite comfort food: 2 Skor bars and 1 16oz. Mountain Dew. The sugar rush alone was enough to make Shleprock lose his cloud and dance with glee.

Standing in the store entryway waiting for the rain to let up, I was in a bad sexless good-friend funk. I needed something. I remember looking to the sky and saying, "God, please. Something, anything, I need something to make me smile."

"Hi."

It was a 5 year old kid. His mother was waiting for the rain too, and he was bored.

"Hey!"

"My name is Brian." He smiled. He liked being Brian.

"Hey Brian." I knelt for a short talk.

That's all it took. No, nothing happened between me and mom, beyond her smiling apologetically. She didn't need to. I'd gotten my wish.

Say what you will. If you're a non-believer, it means nothing. If you are a believer it means everything.

"Success and wealth are in your future."

Well, I haven't found that yet. But I don't put too much faith in the cookie fortunes. There's just treats to help lighten a day.

"Your ideas are clever and you will be rewarded." That was a recent one. I think they're toying with me. All the ones I get seem to always promise something good. I suppose over time they have delivered somewhat. Things have gotten better. There has been a little rise and fall, but over all it's been good. Sure this week has been a little sketchy, but good or bad, I don't really account that to the cookie. Maybe the cookie is a barometer. If it is, I think I've got problems.

The one last night said, "Your judgment is a little off at this time."

Great, now you tell me, guess that's the way the cookie crumbles. Yeah, sorry, they never gave me one that said, "Your bad jokes are gonna get you beat. Guess that's just a given, or maybe just my bad judgment. Some things you just need to leave to fate.

I'm still waiting for the one that says "choose me" I may be waiting. That's ok. I can wait. For now, I think I hear Ms. Cleo calling.