So, I'm posting late. What's new about that? I am sorry. Nope, that's not new. We all have our weaknesses, timeliness is one of mine. Ask MyEx, she's still waiting for me at the last supper with a palm full of nails. I'm late. I'm sorry. This time I have a note from Mom.
Ok, not so much a note from mom as a ticket stub from the cinema, but still it's really kinda close to the same thing. Because today I found out something that Mom never taught me, but that was just as important as the things she did. I saw something in the theater that changed my life. I saw Zack and Miri Make a Porno, and now I've learned what I want in life.
I want someone who would make a porno with me.
For those of you who saw the movie (the previous reference, I really don't care if you've seen a porn unless you're going to email it to me), you know what I'm talking about. If you didn't see the movie, then I won't ruin the surprise, but as one friend who saw it before me said, "Think double Dutch rudder."
No, that's not what I'm looking for either, but well...I guess you just need to see the film to understand. I have a problem when it comes to explaining things without a good reference.
The movie is about believing in yourself, and believing in others enough to see their dream. My dream is to make a porno. Ok, not exactly, make a porno--more of a metaphoric porno flick. I mean, lets face it, Naked Rob in HD? I think there'd be more bleary eyes than in a Love Story marathon.
"Love is never having to see Rob naked again…"
Yeah, HD would suddenly stand for "Holy Dingos!"
I’m not really sure what that means, but trust me, it isn't good. It is better than "Scooby Dooby Doo" though, or Scrappy Doo for that matter. Well any doo...
And laughing. Yeah, laughing during a Rob porn is a limp noodle no-no too. I'd rather people didn't laugh either. Call it an esteem flaw. And if you do, that's great, cuz I think that esteem flaws are part of my point here, and I was having a hard time finding my way to one of those elusive points too.
Esteem is important. I once dated a woman with a really low self-esteem. I mean if I asked her to make a porno, she would never have done it, because she didn't see herself as pretty or worthy. She didn't believe that others could want to see her naked.
Having seen some of the stuff popping up on the internet, I'm gonna tell ya, she was actually a cut above. Still, she didn't believe that, and eventually it led to her believing we didn't belong together. She thought that she wasn't good enough. In the end she was right, because she willed it to be true. She was also the first woman I loved, and the first one to break my heart.
See, try all you want, you can't change somebody's self image. It takes time, and they have to be willing to look in a real mirror. Its amazing how many sexy women won't look. They see themselves through a perverted lens that only accents the aggravating.
MyEx was the opposite. Oh, I don't necessarily mean about the sexy part--follow me, I'm back to the porn. She wouldn't make a porno with me. She believed she was too good for it. Maybe she was, but at the same time, she didn't believe in my ability to make us into the perfect movie with all the heat and action, light and sparks, and still fill in the day to day pleasures of a life more normal. She didn't believe in me--not when it counted.
See, esteem is one of those crazy things. I believe that God blesses us with a firm balance of confidence and humility. It's important to acknowledge our strengths as well as our weaknesses. I mean I can work my way around the bedroom with the best of them--ok, the Ok-est of the rest of them. But once you start including a balance beam and a pommel horse, I get a little lost.
"Ok, according to the IKEA directions, I'm supposed to lie like this, while you spread th--OWWW!"
Look away for a moment. Yeah probably a little longer. That scene isn't my best angle. Look at Jesus, that will help. No really, look at him. Not only was he God, but he was man, carpenter, and miracle worker. Yet his greatest achievement came from his role as a savior, and not from some house he nailed, or leper he healed.
Sure, he could have stopped at what he was good at, or even tried something new…
"I've been tossing around the whole cross idea, and I've decided to have the latte instead…"
But he didn't. He was confident to the end.
I want to be confident in porn. I want somebody in my life who I can lift up, and somebody who lifts me up in return. That requires esteem. You'd be surprised how many people collapse under the weight of poor self esteem.
See, like I said, it's a balance. It's confidence and humility. They're what move us through life. A man filled with his own gas will puff up and rock in place before eventually exploding, while a woman who doesn't own her own heroinism will vanish in a vacuum of her own negativity. Neither will ever move anyone else, and will generally suck the life from those closest to them.
But someone who accepts the balance can progress. Not only in their, lives but in their walk with a companion. See we all want to star in our own porno. Some of us are looking for a group thing, others are happy with solo projects. Me, I'm looking for a one-on-one with somebody who understands me and knows how to help me reach the next scene while I move her in her own production. Together we inspire each other to be our best. Oh sure it can't all be sweat and heat, but it can be two people loving each other enough to say, "I'll do."
Does that make sense? Of course not. I'm just babbling. It's what I'm good at. That and finding a way to blog about porn.
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