How's that for a musical title, huh? Yeah, I know you're all going "WTF?" I figure if I left the Dire Straits' one all weekend, you wouldn't notice this one. Ok so you did. Just think of it as me sharing a Saturday afternoon hangover.
Cheers!
I haven't drank like that for almost a year. The last time I did? It was when things started to take a slide. If you ask MyWife, it's where she'll pinpoint her hatred. I mean not actual cause and effect, but definitely an irritable rash. Things were said the last time we drank; things that could not be reversed. I wish it was me who said all those things, I'm good at that, but it wasn't; we shared. I'll tell you one thing though, she did the interpreting. That was all her. This Friday night, I thought "What the hell? What have I got to lose that I haven't lost already?" Let the spirits flow freely, and let the kitties hide in closets, we're drinkin'!
What's more, and I'm not proud of this, I planned on using the alcohol to my favor. She was drinking, I was drinking, we were drinking. What better time to find out what's really going on between us?
Did I?
Yes.
Do I remember?
Sort of. I remember clips. Little memory YouTube vignettes staring MyWife and I. Lots of holes, lots of lost dialogue, and little lapses from one room to the next. Our evening lasted eight hours, and I think I can drop what I remember in a 20 minute jar. The good news: I think that that's enough to work. I have the primary answers. The secondary we'll color in later.
Was I right about why she was leaving?
Yes.
Is she really going to leave?
Yes.
Is there any chance of reconciliation?
Well, never say never, but you got a better chance of seeing Jimmy Hoffa buying Elvis and Gumby a peach smoothie.
There wasn't any posing or bluffing; we just played it straight, and when we were done waving our hands in the air, we laid them down. I've drawn a rough sketch of what I remember for you my reader. Am I not the most benevolent blog writer ever?
Read 'em and weep! Nobody wins at our house.
We also pent the evening splitting the CDs. Yeah, it was tough for me, but not that tough. Sure, they represent years of collecting , but I don't care that much. I even offered her stuff she thought was mine. Man! Do I deserve points for that! I think I have some smiley faces in my drawer, maybe I'll use them. We also talked about her move. I mentioned getting out of town for a few days, and she offered, "You can use my flying miles if you want." See? We're giving away anything to give up everything. Drunk or sober, we're still screwed up.
But I didn't change my stance. I managed to keep most of my dignity, I think that's a plus. I did something else too.
You know those relatives who call you in the middle of the night when they've been drinking? Yeah, me too. My Mom and sister are renowned drunk dialers. Luckily for me, my sister isn't talking to me these days; 3am is still a peaceful time; and luckily for my friends, I live in the digital age. I no longer call them the middle of the night; I use email.
And that's just what I did. I emailed bunches of people. Friends, acquaintances, family, spammers, dwarves in lederhosen, everybody! They all got Rob-e-mail. I even sent out one--I don't remember the specifics, I just remember the who, and thinking as I wrote it, "I shouldn't be sending this one." My fingers disagreed, dancing over keys to form the words "MyWife and I were just talking about you." The phrase fell somewhere in the middle of the page, and thinking about it now I cringe at the dark irony. In the middle. "MyWife and I were just talking about you." Boy, is that an understatement.
***
Oh, and just a song before I go…
If you're new, our want to catch up on your Rob Blogwriter facts, go check out my interview at http://shouldidivorcehim.com/Content/FreeCounsel.aspx I am the "Splitsville Spotlight!" Dude! I'm almost famous! If Topps starts offering "Divorced People" bubble gum cards I'm so totally gonna be the one kids are trading for!
"Hey! I'll trade you a Jenifer Aniston, and a K-Fed for you're Rob Blogwriter!"
"No way man! I'm keeping this one! It'll be worth something someday."
Yeah, I know, cuz right now I ain't worth spit. But they interviewed me anyway, so go check it out.
10 comments:
Nice interview, by the way. You have similar views as myself.
My (semi random) thoughts...it's probably not really the reason(s) she's giving you. Sure, that may be the tipping point, but it's usually something more. She may not even be fully aware of it right now.
I've been down the path (a lot) about pestering the other half about whywhywhy. It can be useful if you want to learn from the knowledge. Be prepared for it to hurt more than you think it will, and if you can't handle that or think it might make you more bitter, then don't go that route.
(As I have read tons of books and online articles about relationships and their demise, as well as discussed this extensively with my former-other-half, I am, of course, an expert. :) )
Well then, as a self proclaimed expert, YOU can answer the why.
So why? Huh? Huh?
Actually, you're absolutely correct. The "presented why" is rarely the "real why," but at least now I know that she's hanging her hat on a "perceived why." Why? I dunno.
The list of real whys, I'll probably never know, and what good would they do to know them? Would it change anything? Not so long as she isn't willing to share them. I've seen this before. As the statistical child of several divorces, I too am a self proclaimed expert. Statistically speaking of course. ;)
My way of dealing with things is to, well, learn a ton about it in the hopes of preventing a repeat in the future. Can't change the past--can learn from it and move forward.
Aaaanyway, there's this thing I'll call The Script. (Can't recall what book/article I got the term from.) It's amazing how most walk-aways read from the script, and say/do the same types of things.
Usually it's one of two scenarios...
The first one is where the partner's needs are (unknowingly) not being met. (For whatever reason, there's lots of reasons.) The walk-away slooowly withdraws, becoming more icy, building a case, and finally talking off. There's lots of back and forth, and hemming and hawing.
The second kind is basically a huge emotional/psychological crisis in the part of the partner. Think mid-life crisis or other *major* unresolved trauma or issue. (This is what happened to me, BTW. He had a major crisis.) You can go from a perfectly happy, stable, relationship to BAM! being left in a stupor at how fast your partner left.
Of course, that's excluding any innately dysfunctional relationships...the addicts, codependents, that sort of nonsense. I'm referring to generally stable, long-term relationships, not the shake-out period of just plain bad matches. :)
Former-other-half and I have this perverse game of picking out the major flaws in other peoples' relationships. Because we have all the answers as to why theirs are failing (even though we couldn't fx ours). ;)
I've been thinking of writing my own pop psuedo-psychology book off the subject, get on Oprah, and make millions. Of course, I don't believe my own BS enough to really try it, lol.
Wow! You really are a pseudo-intellectual know it all! ;) Come on over, I let you sit in for me while I run off. You can tell me how it ends...oh wait, I already know that.
Yeah, we did the same thing, as far as picking apart others flawed relationships. Then again we liked playing "who's who" in the obits too. I'm not sure what kind of divine justice is gonna rain down on us for that...
Heh. I don't nearly take myself as seriously as I come across. I do like to throw around smarty-pants sounding ideas and then debate them. ;)
Don't worry about it. My text tone apparently does the same thing. I come across shocked and offended when all I am is amused.
I think my next book needs to be something like "Sarcasm 2.1: writing keyboard in hand, tongue in cheek." It's sure to sell a copy to my mom. ;)
Why? Why? Why? Because, in the end it comes down to...What about me? What about MY needs!
I think we used to call it selfishness, but then, that word has gone out of fashion.
Marriage and divorce are all about fashion these days. The trend is for a woman to consider her first as a "starter husband". To look for an opportunity to "trade up" is now applauded by one's peers as a smart lifestyle/career move.
You might consider telling her that there is also such a thing as a "starter wife".
Fortunately, for those who are being called upon to endure this kind of psychological abuse, matrimonial fashion is no longer a one-way street.
Naw! Selfishness is always in fashion.
But I should probably also make something else clear. I am not a "Starter husband." If I am, then she's a slow starter. I'm her third. So you know, I knew the odds were against me going in. I just thought I had more to offer than the other two. I was a different person, I could make it work. Love conquers all right? ah well...
I'll even give you one more log for the "Rob's pathetic" fire: I would do it all again.
Natalie,
Of course it's selfishness. But it doesn't make those feelings any less real and valid to that individual.
Thank you, Azhira...
I rest my case.
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