"I even got me a little wife…"-Social Distortion

Married people, married people everywhere and not a ship to sink.

Yes, that's me obliterating Coleridge. If there's any justice in the world I'll wake up with a dead albatross shoved between my legs. Ok, I swear that sounded even weirder than I intended. Please take this moment to clear your head.

Think saltines...

Ready to try again?

Ok.

So what's moved me to this dark place? Do you know what today is? It's the Happiest freakin' day on Earth. Yes, yes music fans, it's Live Earth day, but that's merely a PR coincidence. An accident of eternal bliss proportions. No today is July 7th, 2007. Open your newspaper, check your local wedding registries, be appalled, be very appalled. 7/7/07 has been called the "luckiest day to get married!" Who stuck their flag in the dart and claimed it this? I don't know, but they probably live and thrive in Las Vegas. They also should be blindfolded, shot, then stuffed with rice. That would be lucky.

If you're bitter about the state of holy matrimony at the moment, don't leave your house cuz chances are you won't drive by a church without running down a bride. Then again, hang on, I'll start the car…

According to Vegas' Little White Wedding Chapel, from Midnight to midnight, there will be at least one wedding going on in each of their 5 chapels (yeah, "little" my ass…). There's some other place—I've blocked the name—They're running seven simultaneous weddings at seven pm.

"Holy bat-shit brides batman!"

Yeah, and Las Vegas isn't the only town raining nuptials. The LA Times reported a limo load of weddings nationwide today.

Sigh...

I don't even know why I'm complaining. I'm getting my divorce done now. It's not like I'll be standing around in 7 years, when there'll be a long line of sheep at city hall waiting to sheared for their divorce.

777 That's what they're basing their marriage on? Then again, I based mine on love and trust. Just as mystical, just as ubiquitous, just as unobtainable. What the hell, why not?

I do think it's unfair that married people get the big party. My divorce is coming up, why can't we have a super fiesta?

We could gather both of our families together, without telling them why. If they ask we could say something like, "We're re-structuring our vows." We could even find somebody like Reverend Jim from Taxi to do our disillusionment ceremony.

"Do you Rob surrender MyWife to the nether realms from whence she came?"

"you betcha."

Yeah, It'll sound bitter but she'll be allowed to write her own disa-vows. I'm sure I'll come out looking like three legged jackal on coke. When that's over, we'll all join in for a big game of red rover to decide who keeps which friends and family. Then, as the glorious day draws to a close, one of us will drive off into the sunset, while the other one drives out into the dark.

The end.

So, since I've obviously missed this lucky wedding day, should I start planning for my next marriage now? I mean I don't have anybody picked or anything, but maybe I should reserve a day. A lucky day. Rob's day. Looking over my calendar, the next good day won't come until 2010. I'm thinking March 3rd will be my day. Yup, that's right 3/2/10. I can even slip the pastor an extra twenty to shout "Blastoff!" at the end of the ceremony. I need to hurry though. That only leaves me 2 and a half years to get divorced and get married again. Oh yeah, and a prospective wife too. Holy crap, I need to get busy!

No, despite my bitterness, I wish today's newlyweds all the luck in the world. I just hope they depend on more than that; I hope they fight tooth and nail to keep their love fresh, vital, and alive. And when they fail, that they fight even harder to bring it back. But whatever happens, may you never forget what made you take those vows, and may you always remember the person who promised to take the journey with you. Travel well and travel safe my friends.