So this divorce thing, kind of a bummer huh?
I mean everybody who goes through it seems to get either really depressed, or really angry. People have written books, made money, gone on Oprah. All chanting the same mantra:
"Divorce Sucks."
I think I saw something in the news last night.
"Demand for divorce low in southland, survey shows. Eeks out the Homeless for "California's Blight of the Year."
What the heck is that? Hell I've been thinking and drinking far more than I'm supposed to. My emotions range from bleary doubt to outright hostile, and that's just the first 15 minutes before I drink my coffee. Ok, so that's not much different than before, but you've got to understand, I'm used to being a happy guy. Maybe it's the fact that the only face I see daily doesn't like me. I dunno.
So today I thought I'd look at the brighter side of divorce. I mean, there's gotta be one right? Clouds…silver linings…all that stuff...
Let's start with that thing I just mentioned: The daily thing. If she doesn't like me, maybe I need to find another face to deal with daily. I could do like the retail or restaurant thing, but I'm broke. I can't afford to spend money in these places everyday. And you know what? They don't like me to hang out without spending money. They make up names like "Loiterer" and then call the cops. Pretty soon they're just as hostile as MyWife. No thanks. What else is there?
I could go to the library, but they like you to be silent. How am I going to get people to notice me if I'm silent? Miming my discontent?
"Mommy why is the sad clown getting naked?"
"Shh Tommy, this is a library, we don't talk here."
No, same hostility issue. And they have names for me there too: vagrant.
It has to be low key….what about the park? That's it! I could hang out at the park. Why sure! There are kids there! Kids love talking to divorced men they don't know! What's more, Kids don't care if you've been crying into a bottle, kids will love you no matter what. And if there are moms there, even better! I'll be popular with the kiddy park crowd. I'll just go there every day and hang out with the kids and their moms.
Problem solved. See? Not everything about this divorce has to be bad.
Know what else I've noticed that isn't half bad? Those teenage kids who stand underneath my "No Solicitors" sign and ring the bell 5 or 6 times, wait 3 seconds and then begin pounding the door like they're drumming for Slayer? You get them at your door too? When you answer they're all cheery telling you about this special program they're involved in has stopped them from peddling drugs to their younger brothers, and now they see through selling magazines that there is a God and he needs me to subscribe to Sports Illustrated or they'll return to gangbanging and their impressionable lives will be swallowed up by teen pregnancy and tabs of acid like their father and grandfather before him. Just one year of Fortune could save his life and soul, my contribution cementing his doctorate and Nobel prize nomination, once he gets out of Harvard.
You've seen this kid right? Try this. Next time he knocks on your door, look through the peep hole and verify that it is indeed Skippy the wonder-boy. It's him? Good. Poke your fingers into both your eyes then rub them with your knuckles, throw open the door, and mumble something like, "Yeah?"
"Hi…" he'll go through the dialoge here that we discussed earlier. Let him. In fact, lean against the door, relax. Wait until he's finished. "... interested sir?"
Good, now it's your turn. You know all that anguish you've been feeling lately because that somebody you thought loved you is running off for Hawaii? Imagine Skippy here is that special someone.
"What? Do you know that my wife just abandoned me? That's right! She took the cat and my moist towelette collection and ran off with the last kid who offered her Glamour! What have you got for that?"
He's 15 he's got nothing. That's fine, he won't even when he turns 30, but he doesn't know that yet, it's your weapon. See his adult magazine handler didn't prep him for this hurdle. Oh he can get 15 subscriptions from an illiterate bong scrubber, but a divorcee? No training.
"What magazine is going to bring her back? Tell me and I'll buy it. You got Guns and Ammo, kid?"
His eyes should be like saucers now. He'll be backing off your porch as fast as possible. You can chase him if you like. It's best to scream wildly and flail your arms. What the heck, turn on the sprinkler for fun.
See? Now wasn't that fun? It works with telemarketers too; you just can't see their terror. Don't worry, you'll hear it in their voice.
That's what we need! We need ways to turn divorce into a party word. Send me your suggestions, and we'll throw a divorce block party.
Divorce: When your best just isn't good enough.
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