"...and there's so much you could learn…"-Spoon

"I have good news, and I have bad news."

"You know I hate this shit."

Yeah, I know, it's why we play. "well the good news is we have hot water."

Years ago, I used to do retail electronic sales. I was good. Not because I had a great pitch, or passed myself as techno-genius riding the wave of techno-cool, but because I'd befriend my customer. Not in some smarmy bad breath over your shoulder, kind of way, but I really cared about their needs. I know, that’s what every salesman says, but I was different.

Really.

The problem is, that people aren't always forthcoming about what they want/need because they don't always know. You have to coax it out of them. This requires that you learn people, read them, savor their body language. Sure I'd sell them something to make me money, but there isn't any reason why we can't both walk away happy. Anyway, that’s how I started creating characters for my books: helping customers and watching others in the store. I learned how they interacted with their world,. What were their insecurities? What were their hot buttons? Learn these, and I'd convert customer to client.

Faceless voice to beloved character.

Date to wife.

Can't we both walk away happy?

Today I'm selling a bad deal. I've got one pitch, one product, and I need to make it sound like chocolate ice cream and snickerdoodles. Ok, not together. Maybe both in separate ziplocks—or the cookies in ziplocks and—forget it, you get the idea. I don't have to sell this to you. You already know.

"That means you'll be able to take a hot shower."

That's it Rob, play it slow. Draw her in.

She smells a rat. "And?"

Offer her the light "bad news…"

"Well, it cost an extra 200 bucks to bring us up to code. It tapped out all of our accounts. I'll pay the difference out of mine."

"What's the difference?"

Good, good, focus on that…."It's about 250."

Yeah that's the easy part. Here comes the bitter pill, "But without money in our account we won't be able to do our dinners out, or buy groceries. What we have in the fridge will have to last."

Tszztttt

Some poor chicken breast is pressed into the hot grease. He'd go through the pan if she could do it. MyWife isn't happy with out of money aspect of our relationship. I have nothing left to sell her. I'm just a hack chump in a bad suit.

I still rationalize it for her. Ok I rationalize it for me, because that's who I am. I don't want her to think I'm doing this to drain bank accounts, I'm doing this because that’s what it costs. It's the price of the individual, vs. the benefits of being a couple. I'm doing this because we've spent all our money. It's not a surprise, we've never made our budget in the whole time we were married. This month is more my fault than hers, but that doesn't seem to change the fact that we have no money. I did try to reason with the fiscally empty account, it shrugged. Now I'm rationalizing with my emotionally empty wife, she's not taking it any better. "We can split the dinners out if you want. You pay for one, I'll do the other. And as far as the groceries, we have enough to get us through, just nothing for your lunches."

Duck. Ok, she didn't throw anything. That's a good sign.

"I'm thinking about it." She says. The translation is "I hate you. I'm looking for a way to prove you wrong." But it's a subtlety that's taken me years to differentiate. A subtlety outside the reach of the rookie. I'm a professional, I need to shift my approach if I'm going to close this sale.

I play it stupid. I do it well; I just wish I were "playing" more often, "I know, I just wanted to give you all the information to work with. Better to say something today rather than wait until, say, Thursday. This way you have everything you need to work it out for you."

In sales you learn about the "you" it's what "you" want, not me. In marriage, it's key. Spouses know your selfish side, it's one of the first things they see. They just need to decide whether or not you're too much shark for them to take. I reeled in my wife, and my first thought was, "You're gonna need a bigger boat."

Sorry, bitter moment. Here, try this friendly Rob, you'll like him better.

She nods in agreement. That's what you want as a salesman. She may not like it, but she's bought it.

Her next step is to see it work for herself. She goes to the freezer, and pulls out every piece of meat. "There isn't enough."

Well there's 3 chicken breasts, 4 steaks, 3 packs of hotdogs, some sausage, a package of brauts, 3 packages of fish, 2 lbs of hamburger. You don't have to be Macgyver to make that work 10 days. I don't know who she's inviting over, but there's enough meat.

I meet her half way " There's tuna in the cabinet. I'll make Tuna Stuff during the week."

"That would work." and she's on board. Whew! Cuz I can't pay for another $100 worth of groceries for 1 week. Especially knowing she's going to take what she can with her.

And that's how you close a sale. I'm good. Hell I sold her on marrying me, I just couldn't interest her in the lifetime extended service. I think it was the replacement clause that got her. Who wants another Rob once you've gotten rid of the first?

There's that bitter thing again. I'm gonna need to work on that if I'm ever going to make another sale.

****

Oh yes, and to those of you who showed/feigned interest, my new water heater is not that energy efficient. It rates a 254 on a scale of 234 to 258. They really aren't ever that good though, unless you go tankless. I wanted to go tankless, but with the divorce I couldn't afford it. Thanks for reminding me. ;)