So what fresh hell rushes forth today? Well one of MyWife's work buddies came into town for a visit. A gathering was planed, and executed. A fine meal was had by one and all. At least that's what I suspect happened; I wasn't invited. Wanna hear something funny? I was kind of pissed at first. I thought "Hey! I know we're getting a divorce and all, but I hang out here and wait for you." Well that and all my friends live in other cities.
Then again I might have been pissed by the way she brought it up.
It's Monday night, our now familiar couple stands in the kitchen. A chicken breasts are cooking on the stove.
MyWife: (leaning against the sink) You have a choice.
Me: (Eyes widen, astounded and awed at the prospect of a choice. Any choice.) Really?
MyWife: Yes, Friend #1 will be in town tomorrow. I'm meeting her for dinner.
Me: Ok…
Mywife: (twisting faux ring) I can cook the roast tomorrow, so you can have that, or save it until Wednesday, and you can forage for yourself Tomorrow.
I opted for foraging. Maybe Yogi could hook me up with a picnic basket. I was still mad though. She didn't even bring me as part of the equation, Except the labor of creating crock-pot roast.
Then I remembered, I had a bible study on Tuesday, so it didn't matter anyway. Yeah, no need to point out the hypocritical aspect here; I think I got the point. What's more, her dinner lasted longer than my bible study. She walked in and her demeanor sank as her body dripped into her computer chair. It was like Cinderella remembering she was just a maid.
"So How was your dinner?" I tried to help.
"It was good, I had the shark steak."
When preditors eat their own, film at eleven…And See? That's why I sit with my teeth clamping my lips most of the time.
Breathe…
"Sounds good, so you had a good time?"
"Yeah."
Silence. Apparently that's all we're going to say about that.
"So how was your evening?" It's her turn to try awkward conversation.
"Well you know, I did my bible study."
How much further do I go? She doesn't like my church. What else can I say without boring her to tears?
"Uh huh…"
Too late. This conversation has reached it's expiration date.
I don't know what to say to her anymore. Ask anybody I know, I'm a conversationalist, a talker, but anytime I start to talk about something, she looks like she's weighing the joy of listening to me, against jamming a pen through her inner ear. Listening wins, but I'm not sure the vote's a landslide. Somewhere a voice is still coaxing her brain, "Sign language can't be that tough to learn…"
So why bother? I know she's gone.
I nearly gave in to a horrible temptation today. I had just worked out frustration through hard labor on the treadmill. The weight-room air cloyed like in a sauna; my T-shirt sopped all the sweat it could devour. So I headed to the shower. While the water ran, I stood by the hamper removing my clothes, and had the strongest desire to lob my shirt at her pillow.
My arm rolls forward like underhand softball. The shirt sails, missing the ceiling fan.
"Here's something to remember me by." Smack! Osmosis begins.
What? Of course I'd remove it before she got home, I need the pillow to dry. That's when she'd find my special gift. MyWife would start to snore, and roll against her pillo—
"Oh dear God!" Jolting up she'd wonder at the phantom death smell. Was it just a dream?
Sniff. Sniff. The air smells ok…
Lying back down she'd struggle back to pre-doze comfortable, catch a faint whif—
Wait!
Pillow to face
Sniff. Sniff.
AHHHHH!!!
Yeah, I lead a vivid fantasy life, and no, I didn't do it. I just put the clothes down to wash. But these types of temptations are getting tough to avoid. If I'm gonna stick to the friendly divorce, I'm gonna need to wrap up the friendly soon.
I Googled "No Fault Divorces" later. I found out that if we play nice, we can get our divorce online. How trendy is that? I'm seriously considering it. Like I said, we're not fighting over the property, and we don't have any kids, so why not? What's a lawyer going to do for us that point and click can't already do? I gotta tell ya, the cost is like a 10th of a local lawyer, And chances are if we go the "representation" route, we'll end up with his and hers matching money grubbers. No, I'm thinking online might be right. And it's just pretentious enough I think she'll go for it.
Check this out
If you actually go check that out, you have to watch the Good Morning America clip. They did a piece on the website. It spotlight's a specific couple who took advantage of the service. But wait! There's more! Amid quick shots of wedding albums, b-roll of their first married kiss, and computer screen clips of divorce in action, there is a man and a woman. It's so sad. The guy looks so lost. I think it was her idea to do this. You think I'm transfering? Probably, but check it out anyway, you'll see.
They even get them into the GMA studio so that they can relive the whole experience.
I think I'll show this to MyWife and see what she thinks. I'll wait till the weekend. It'll give her time to celebrate. Apple-tini's anyone?
6 comments:
Depending on where you live, you may be able to just get the papers from your local courthouse. Then it would just cost you the fees to file. If you really can get through the process without fighting, it would you save you a lot of money and nonsense associated with the lawyers. Anyway, that's how we got our divorce...
Thanks Azhira, It's worth looking into. I know the paperwork'll cost at least $350 to file no matter what we do.
And if it's any consolation (and I know it's not) I'm sorry you had to go through the same thing. Or a similar thing with unique circumstances, or--yeah, I should just shut up.
Thanks for your help.
G
lol
Not a problem.
It was really odd, the two of us sitting in the law library, filling out the paperwork. We decided that I would "file" and he would be "served." The lady at the counter must have thought we were crazy. (I was even visibly pregnant.) After I filed, I turned around and served him the papers on the spot. It would have been funny if it weren't so messed up.
I'm sorry, it's so horrible that I did laugh. It's like something concocted for a bad John Hughes film--something post Ferris Bueller--And yet that's not why I laughed. I laughed because I could see MyWife and I doing that. It's got that sad, self torture quality we seem to share.
But in that situation, what else are you going to do? I hope you put that in a book or something. Despite my laugher, it has a real poignant quality.
Don't feel bad...I actually laugh whenever I recount the story. I'm actually trying not to laugh, just now thinking about it. Divorce is supposed to be messy and evil--with lawyers and court dates, right? After all, if you can get along well enough to easily split your assets, why are you getting divorced at all? He didn't even read the papers, just signed them after I filled everything out.
Eh...as much I enjoy writing (and would love to be published) this particular anecdote is just too raw and personal for me. I prefer to keep such tidbits to the psuedo-anonymity of the internet. Maybe after enough time has gone by, it won't be so hard to admit that it was me in that situation.
Yeah, I know what you mean. There are still things I should mention in this blog but they're still a little personal for me, even behind the web of anonymity.
And why is it everybody I know has had this raging infero divorce from hell. I mean, this is still the divorce from hell, but it's more of a sautéing over a low heat with some garlic type hell. Ok, that really doesn't sound like hell--in fact now I'm hungry--but you get my point right? I feel like an outcast because none of our stuff is broken.
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