"To keep it all from coming down I've gotta focus my attention …"-Black Light Burns

So what is a friendly divorce anyway? Two buddies working together to build the perfect ending? What about a couple sitting at a bar, swirling glasses of ice, while staring at leaves of legal documents strewn before them. They giggle and laugh over wet circles smearing words like "ergo," "hereto," and "Forgo."

"The three musketeers?" One offers over another sip.

"I think it's porn terms."

"Tortious?"

"To wit."

"Watch what you call me!"

They both laugh, empty the glasses and order another round of screwdrivers...

Well if you Google it, they'll tell you it's an oxymoron for "no Fault," Which is coincidentally also an oxymoron in the divorce world.

It also can mean that you'll forgo murder until after the judge signs the papers. After that, everything is "friendly."

Nonetheless, that's what MyWife and I are trying to do. There are different reasons for attempting the friendly divorce. Perhaps you're just so tired of fighting it out, but you're not ready to give up your dignity. It's like the final scene in Rocky. Yeah, there are no ties here either. Maybe it's because you're worried about what the evil creature you're married is capable of doing; you'd rather get along just long enough to get out. Think the ending of John Carpenter's The Thing—sort of. It's more like throwing a steak to a frothing pit bull before escaping over the fence. We're "friendly" for the latter. See, we've heard the stories of people who've crossed the other person before (Hell, it was part of the original attraction. Terror is such an aphrodisiac), and frankly we're too afraid not to be "friendly."

I'd tell you about the things she's done, but if she read it, I might never wake up again. My stuff? Far less violent, but much more cunning. See? We made a great team. Grifter and the Psyco Warrior. It could have been an HBO comedy series if they'd gotten here in time, but now it's a Fox mini series starring Courtney Love and Robert Blake.

If you can pull it off, the friendly divorce is worth while. It saves on most of the hatred and despair. Nobody is posting legal documentation calling the other a "babyeating bridge troll," followed by a very public very legal crucifixion/weenie roast.

No, in a friendly divorce, you're saying "I can bear you like a bleeding ulcer for a little while." That's all it takes. In the meantime, you both have to give and share. If you’re the arrogant self-centered bastard they say you are, then you might as well give up now, because this is going to take more effort than your whole marriage did.

But if you want to try being friedly, these are the rules you must follow. I like to call them:

The Rules:

1. Always Put the other person first: a blind intersection, a room you just heard a bloodcurdling scream, whatever. Treat it like you're the happyiest married couple in the world, even if you hate them. Guys, you be Prince Charming, Girls, you be the unsuspecting babysitter. Wait, wrong rules. Is it the innocent farm girl? The naughty nurse? Crap! I forget; anyway you get the idea. Ignore the other thing.
2. Whenever you feel like giving up, remember there is a time limit. You only have to survive so long. Take each day as it comes. Just like a jigsaw puzzle or washing the dishes, there is an end.
3. You are a "Friend" not a sucker. Do what you have to do to keep the peace, but know when you're being taken advantage of. There is a limit. If the Other asks you to dance naked in the front yard while singing Kelly Clarkson songs, it's ok to say no. Either that or you're getting back together, congratulations!
4. Stuff is stuff. Ben Franklin once said something about a move equaling a fire. Rob Blogwriter says a divorce is equal to Armageddon. If you can't take it with you when you die, don't expect to take it with you now. Besides, if you expect to lose everything you won't be disappointed when you, well, lose everything.
5. Don't take their every word or action as a personal attack. Of course it is a personal attack; just because you're playing fair doesn't mean they are. But he who flinches, loses. Just smile over how mad it makes them when you don't explode.
6. Never compare the person you're divorcing to the person you married. It's self torture, and unless you're into that, you're hurting yourself for no reason.
7. Similarly, don't psychoanalyze everything they do or say. A friend of mine once advised me "instead of asking 'Why?' say 'how interesting.'" I'm not sure if this is what they meant, but I think it apples best here. Otherwise it's the least satisfying "sour grapes" advice I think I've ever heard.
8. Even if you're interested in dating again, the other sex is dead to you until the papers are signed, filed and noted. Otherwise, you've danced out of "friendly" into "Kamikaze."
9. Try keeping up your household chores. Just because your home collapsed, doesn't mean there's nothing left to take care of. Dishes filling the sink, and an un-mowed lawn only prove to neighbors and guests that you’re the lazy bitch/basted they said you are.
10. Have fun!

That's my list. I'm barely maintaining 3 of items, but I'm trying. My goal is walk out of here without a bowl of poisoned ice cream. All else is cherries and whipped cream. So now it's your turn; get out there and be friendly.