"Who's gonna con you into buying a television set revolution they sell?"-Monster Magnet

Common bonds. That's what draws us together. Any of us. There's that something else in someone else that lights a bulb within ourselves. Famous infamous or un-famous, find a person, find that thing, and you'll never let it go. Even when everything else is a California fault line, that one thing is a gyroscope. It's stability. If it's enough you're safe, if not then well…I think you know where this is heading.

For us, it's not enough to stop the crumbling walls, But it is enough to allow a pause. A still moment. A relief, before the world continues it's collapse. The one thing we still share: our elitism. I know, but if you're going to share something, why can't it be superiority? Nobody will ever be as smart, quick, funny, or stable as we are. We stand alone in a class by ourselves. The clichés? No she's not near as prolific in those as I am. When it comes to clichés, I'm in a league of my own.

Today we united our superiority talents against a small political sect in Southern California. There's a coalition recently formed trying to reduce the pollutants in our air. Their goal? Eliminate wood burning fireplaces. Now I can understand the need for reduced car emissions, less fluorocarbons, and yes, even less "soot particulate," but in a part of the country where the thermometers don't even have hash marks below 50 degrees, how is eliminating the fireplace really going to make a difference?

Now if we drove SUVs fueled by fir logs, maybe there'd be an issue. But nobody burns a fire place around here more than 3 times a year. And that's only if they have guests and need to look important.

Quick California poll: How do you buy your wood?

1. By the cord.
2. By the log
3. What's a cord?
4. The internet.
5. From a specialty "word of mouth" import shop in on Rodeo Drive. Each log individually wrapped in a pulped-wood wrapping, signed and numbered by Paul Bunyan.
6. No really, what's a cord, and who's this Bunyan guy? He's not retail is he?

The lawyer interviewed in the newspaper sounded like she had a vendetta against fireplaces. Maybe she'd burned a finger as a child striking a match to kindling. I don't know. But she'd done her research, and knew more than everybody about the evils of natural fire sources. She sounded truly superior babbling on about how the many alternative fuel options burned cleaner, brighter, and hotter, and were even more aesthetically pleasing than an icky cedar branch. She plopped data droppings about how gross wood fumes would deform our children, scar our pets, steal our identity. These were the horrors of the soot particulate.

I hope she doesn't have kids. They'll never play outdoors where the dust particulate and mold spores threaten their very souls. Let's not even venture into evil that lurks in hot asphalt. No, each of her children will be hermetically sealed in a plastic sheath and released, unblemished, into the world on their 18th birthday to be eaten by predators. That's the problem with superiority, your "perfect" creations will never survive natural selection.

Whatever.

Honestly, if you want to get rid of all the soot particulate in Southern California, chop down all the forest space, and pave it. Problem solved. We see more "wood burning" as local park and forest fires than we do as plumes rising from chimneys. For three months a year, more people stand guard in front of their homes with water hoses than open the flues of their fireplaces.

And just how do you plan on enforcing this? My mind wanders, things blur, and I see it all in my head. Oh dear, I feel a story coming on…

Monday August, 5th,

7:02pm A call comes into the Department Of Particulate Emissions. A Ms. Nosey Busybody reports seeing suspicious wisps of smoke rising from neighbor's house.

7:07pm A call is placed to the Department of Records. The address in question does in fact have a documented wood burning fireplace. Case opened and assigned to Officer B. Arthur.

7:33pm Officer Arthur investigates location and confirms presence of smoke and unauthorized soot particulate. Soot Enforcement And Removal Squad dispatched.

8:09pm SEARS arrives. Officer Arthur inspects their Hazmat suits. Small tear is located in Z. Ute's Suit. Duct tape applied, Z. Ute's suit repaired. Arthur dons aerator mask. Team confirms redressed readiness.

8:31pm Team prepared for entry. Small neighborhood watch has gathered to observe. Arthur reports that particulate volume has jumped dramatically.

8:33pm Team ordered to use Extreme Prejudice.

8:37pm Team posted at both front and back doors, extinguishers drawn. Omega team (rear) reports vicious attack Chihuahua. Unlicensed creature dispatched.

8:39pm Team enters. Both structure doors eliminated. Soot particulate increases.

8:40pm Particulate contamination worse than expected. Illegal incinerate not held within fire receptacle. Particulate air thick.

8:43pm A mother and 2 small children are found as hostages. Their cries for help led team to contaminate source. Particulate combustion coming from room generator. Wall matter being used for fuel. Contamination not limited to natural wood mater.

845:pm Mother and children led to safety.

8:46pm Male suspect flogged, cuffed and apprehended. Unconscious body drug from building.

8:49pm After consulting state policy, team calls for Mobile Particulate Containment Shelter to be air dropped onto smother burning structure. Policy is clear: Burring receptacles larger than one room are to be squelched and destroyed by MPCS. SEARS are not heroes, just enforcement squads.

Follow up: Mr. Bob Scapegoat cited for burning treated and untreated natural woods, as well as numerous illegal non-wood fuels. Endangering human life, and creating unsafe soot particulate conditions. His actions are seen as treasonous, and he is shipped to Guantanamo further questioning. Ms. Busybody awarded the California medal of Freedom

Ok, I've made my point. Now I feel superior.