Cats. If you're a cat fan, stop now and find a "Fluffy the uber-cute feline and friends" blog. No, I'm not a cat hater. I'd never survived this far in our marriage if I was. Cat's are fine, but our fuzzy buddies are also a pain in my hairy butt.
Our cast:
One cat (Thing 1) is a black cat with a white beard and paws. He's fat, lazy, and drools. (sure, insert your own joke here.) He's also a big cat. I mean most people step back when the see him big. If you don't pet him when your supposed to, he'll ram you with his head and leave a bruise. If you aren't petting him correctly, he'll nip your hand. He's smart too. Close him in a room, he'll open the door. He puts his paws around the knob, and turns it. Bread and cookies aren't safe on the counter; there will be cat gnaw marks in the bread and cookie crumbs on the floor. He replaced my wife's dog (Thing .01) who ran away before we got married.
The other cat (Thing 2) is a grey beast. He's smaller than Thing 1, but what he lacks in stature, he gains in girth and attitude. He's psycho. He hates people, yet loves my wife and I. If we try to introduce him to new people, we'll need stitches. He's made that point clear. He's not real bright. Ok, he's stupid. He's had his head caught in a Kleenex box. And the first one of us to stop laughing, had to free him. I think it was my wife, which is just as well, I'd have made him apologize for the stitches first. Thing 2 has also cost us over $2000 in vet bills, even with "cat insurance." He gets "special food."
Both cats shed, bad. You can clean the house, and within an hour, several fuzzy tumbleweeds will drift across the room.
So why have I sent cat lovers off somewhere else? Because my wife and I don't have kids. We have 2 cats and a dog. When she mentioned the divorce, our next conversation was this:
Me: Ok, you can take the cats
Her: But Thing 2 is yours.
Mine, that's an interesting story. She told me we were getting another cat so I should pick one. I wanted the invisible hairless mute. That's not what I got, so Thing 2 won by default.
Me: But he likes you better.
He does.
Me: Besides, You're taking Thing 1, and he'll miss Thing 1 more than he'll miss me.
Her: Well that's true.
Me: I'm keeping the dog Not because I'm trying to keep one of the pets, but I don't think you'll have a yard. Honestly, I'm not sure I can afford him, but he needs a yard.
Her: Yeah, he does.
Me: If you get a yard, and really need him, come get him. It's okay.
See? I'm a cad. I’m passing off my kids without a fight, and keeping one for yard space. If they were human, you'd be horrified. But, that's just it: they aren't people, they're pets. That's what cat aficionados don't understand. Pet's are animals.
Try this: A fire breaks out! The house is engulfed!
Ahh! The heat! The flames! OW! OW!
Look! It's a cat! He's licking himself beside a wall of flame. I could save myself or I could sa— OOH! The air is much cooler out here. Oh, look at the wall collapse. Didn't I see a cat in there? Shame...
To my wife, they're her kids, she's just as likely to save them first as she is to save human pets before diving out a window herself. And more twice as likely to save them before she saves me. That's just the way it is. I find comfort knowing that I sat higher on the list until 2005. I just fell down the salvation ladder.
But my self-interest isn't what makes me despicable. What makes me despicable is that I may miss my wife, but I won't miss the cats. Even worse, I'll be glad to see the go.
Gasp!
I told you, I'm horrible.
Here's why I'll pack their little kitbags and wave:
#1 Remember I told you they shed? Well when my wife made her big decision, she also made a few small decisions as well. One of those: she stopped cleaning the house. It's not going to be her house, why should she care? I'd do it, but I work 55 hours a week. Even though I work at home I don't have time. And if I could work it in, it would be after 1am. She wouldn't be too fond of that, and I still need her to pay mortgage. So right now we're living like slobs. If I have time, I focus it on critical spaces like bathrooms. If it's cat hair or uncontrolled bacteria, well bury me in fur piles. Well wait. According to CSI and Google, "Fur piles" are something else; scratch that. Any way, that's my first big gripe. It's not the cats' fault that my Pergo floors are now black and grey shag, but they are the source.
#2 Ants. Once again, another indirect issue. We live in California. If you look up pests by region, you'll notice that we have troubles with the Argentine ant. Now if you're going to have ant problems, Argentines are the ones to have: they don't eat wood, they don't bite. Or more correctly, they're too small to bite. But, what they do do is breed. Not only are they breeders, but they're the swingers of the ant world. That's right, they're queen swappers. When they meet other Argentine ants, they invite them to join their nest and begin to over populate. They're tough to get rid of because you have to kill multiple queens. Baits are about the only thing that work, but they're only a temporary fix.
I've done' everything I can to get rid of them, and except for a few small skirmishes I've managed to keep them outside. But the cats create another problem. The ants love the cat's food. I suspect even more than the cats do. As the summer kicks in, our cats are less likely to finish their food. It seems they're even more finicky about ant riddled bits. They won't touch them. Interesting note: the ants don't care about ants in their food. So I might be able to win my battle, if the cats food is gone. Since the keeper of the cats is the keeper of the food, they too must go.
See? I told you you'd hate me. So how does a guy like me end up with 2 cats? He marries a cat lover. But you know what? Even knowing what I know now, I'd do it again. I just hope she doesn't expect child support. My wife makes more money than I do. I'll pay for college and braces.
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