I woke up with the weirdest feeling this morning. I was thinking about my wife--no great shock there--but something hit me. I still feel the same way about her I've felt since the day we married. Far less oooeygoooey (yes it's a word, look it up! No, use MY dictionary…), but still companiony. That person I signed up for "till death" still haunts my head.
I know when she gets home, I'll see her slouch into the office and all that will change, but I think the feelings would remain if she didn't slouch. The slouch is her feelings towards me. You know, sometimes when I say something to her, and the air around her waivers. Really! It's as if it's all an illusion, a façade to hide her disdain. It's momentary, and if I blink I miss it, but it's there. There was a movie like that once. What was it? It bothers me that I won't remember until after I've posted this, but what can I do? Just pretend I've offereed the perfect analogy. Smile, laugh and go, "you are so right Rob." It's what my wife does.
But maybe that's it. I don't want this to sound like blame, but no matter what she tries to point to, maybe it's as simple as this: She's changed. Not in a good vs. evil way. Just like ice to water or water to vapor. They're all chemically the same, but they're reactionary properties are different. Some great Electrolysis switch in her head has flicked, and "Rob love" fell through the vapor. I don't know.
I had a dream the other night. I dreamt that we were arguing and she turned to walk away. In my dream I reached out and grabbed her from behind. Wrapping my arms around her I pulled her close. I said the magic words that made her cry, the ones that made her stay. Then she helped me build a fence. We painted it green, and it kept the neighbors out. When I woke up, I couldn't remember the incantation.
What's more, when I thought on the dream later, I thought on the dream MyWife. Although she wore the "MyWife" nametag, the character was all wrong. It's like the old soap opera voice over "The part of Sarah will be played by Tom Jones." No, it wasn't Tom Jones, and no, don't worry about why I watched old soap operas, neither of these points are important. What is important is this: the character in my dream--the dream wife--wasn't MyWife. MyWife is not the person I could wrap my arms around, draw in, and change. Funny that's part of why I love her, but it's also why I'll have to let her go.
Ok, I've got to keep this short today. I've got a dentist appointment. Some dental hygienist is gonna make my touch dreams come true. That's right I'm gonna have 2 touches in 1 week! I'm in heaven! She promised if I say the right words she'd give me a root planing.
Oh Beverly, you say the sweetest things!
4 comments:
My other half left a year ago, and I still love him just as much. I feel less desperate, but my feelings for him are the same. I don't think it helps that we are in constant contact because of the baby. Having not gone to court, our "custody arrangement" is very informal and very friendly.
Yeah, I've seen your blog. I don't know if I could do that: the proximity thing. I mean, you have my utmost admiration for trying to pull it off, but I'd be worried about some night, feeling the murderous blackness of blame, and knowing that the cause slept just a courtyard away...
On the other hand, it's great that you can keep things open for your baby. I think that is wonderful, and will pay off as your child gets older.
So how do you deal with the feelings? Bury them? Take them out on some unsuspecting treadmill? Or is this back to the same answer to the last question: Amazingly cuddly cat and baby. What keeps you sane?
All of the above. lol I spent a lot of time yelling at his voicemail the first few months. I finally got most of the anger out of me. The baby has been great, because he loves to cuddle and I usually have someone to sleep next to. I decided burying feelings was unhealthy--hence, the blog. And once I was recovered enough from childbirth (I had a horrible delivery) and started back at the gym, that helped a lot to.
Mostly, I just work on a bit each day. Some days are better than others.
A big part of what helps me is that I know exactly why he fled. In an odd way, I don't blame him. Hold him accountable, yes, but I do sympathize with him.
Is that a rambling enough answer? :)
You've read my blog, No answer is rambling enough! I am the king of the ceaseless disconcerting discourse!
;)
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