Alternate Realities

“Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn…”

“Say Wha?”

Guess who just made vacation plans?  That’s right, me!  Don’t tell the Pirate Queen though. It’s a surprise.  And boy will she be surprised: she’s not coming.

“Surprise!”

That’s right. Okay, that’s not right. It’s a lie.  She’s coming, but boy wouldn’t that be funny. Funny, just like some of the stuff in reality television these days. Contrived drama for viewer interest, that’s reality.

And why would I contrive reality about the woman I love when there are no viewers to interest? That’s easy: because my plan is generate them.

“Are you pondering what I’m pondering?”

“I think so Rob, but how do we get thirty fruity drink parasols to cling to the nose hairs?”

Say wha..?

Uhm…I’m gonna pitch the RobShow. Not much different really.

See, the company that brought us Honey Boo Boo, and Toddlers in Tiaras, is looking for the next big alternate reality. They don’t want famous reality, they want you and me reality. You know, normality.

Or at least normality worth televising, and that’s hard to find. What if they do find it? How do they gauge this normality as worthy television? Good question. I’m glad I asked. They want us to send in YouTube and Vemeo videos of our regular life. You know, dinner with the fam, booger battles with the kids, or cubical based tantrums at work. You know: 

Announcer: Coming this fall to TLC: These three men have everything they desire. Power, money, women. What they don’t have is loving parents.

Voice off screen: Get in here you little ginger, SOB!

Announcer: That’s right, and now it’s their turn to take care of these unworthy care givers.

Woman (in bed with a cigarette dangling from her mouth and a plate of donuts in her hand. One donut has a bite missing): Ignatius, you ingrate! I said jelly filled.

Ignatius: I-I-I-I’m sorry m-m-ma-m-m-a.

Woman: I told you, I am not your mama. I married your father because I needed citizenship. (throwing the plate). Now get me jelly filled!

Announcer: New this fall, TLC brings you Red Headed Stepchildren! They’re kings in every castle but their own home.

Yikes.  That’s scary!  

You could have me instead. Hairy and pale, mister up-tighty whitey blogging in his tighty-whiteys.

“Sir could you please put on some pants or leave our Starbucks?”

Now that’s a tough programming choice. I guarantee you there are at least a hundred more video pitches just like both of those options. All planned for your enjoyment as part of your $120 cable subscription.

Yah, Saved by the Bell reruns look pretty good now, huh?

Go ahead, see if you can find an episode on. Me I’m practicing for my big break.

“Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn…”

Looks like the surprise is on you, dear viewer.