Yule Just Never Know

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas—well, without the snow and joy.  You know, it’s mall mobs and reindeer names you’ve never heard.

“…On @#$*! That’s my parking space!”

Yup, brotherly love abounds.  Sisterly love too.  The rest of us are left alone to fend for ourselves.

“No room at the Wal-Mart.”

Me, I’m done. I received my last package of gifts in the mail last Friday, and I mailed my last package of gifts last Monday. Shhh.  It’s for Mom and Dad. I can’t tell you what I got them.  You can’t keep secrets.

Ok, fine.  Let’s just say that it’s wrapped, starts with “g” and rhymes with “lift.” That’s all I’m gonna tell you.

Oh, I will tell you something else.  They’re not getting it before Christmas.  Nope. Even though I mailed it on time, the postal service won’t do it. 

How do I know this? Because the postal service re-gifted me with yesterday’s mail. I don’t even need to unwrap it. I know what was in it. I know my own handwriting. 

“To Dad and Mom”

What happened?  The postal service and I had a disagreement. They want to call my gift a “package” I want to call it an “envelope.”  It’s true, there is a package, but that package is small enough to fit inside an envelope. It’s smaller than a sheet of paper, and no thicker than a deck of cards.

Huh, that’s weird. The size of a deck of cards….and a gift…coincidence?

“You’re Aces Dad!”

I’m not tellin’. It’s a Christmas surprise.

My Christmas surprise was my parent’s gift in my mail.  I looked up the difference between an “envelope” and a “package.” It’s the depth of a dime and as much as Abe Lincoln.

“Hey! Let me out of this envelope!”

 He’d never say that. He wouldn’t fit in an envelope, no matter how much butter Mary Todd slathered him in. He’s also the difference in shipping price. Unless I want to get my package there before Christmas, for that I’ve got to find a way to cram Andrew Jackson in there too.

“Hey Abe! Merry Christmas!”

“Shut up, Andy, and get your elbow out of my back.”

“That’s not my elbow.”

Ok, sorry. Abe and Andy wouldn’t talk like that. I’m suffering Christmas frazzle. I’ve got to go back to the post office, thanks to Ben Franklin. No, it’s not gonna cost me $100 to ship. Ben was the first postmaster….never mind. I bet Ben could have gotten the package to my parents on time. 

“Speedy delivery Mr. Boyd!”

No, that’s Mr. McFeelie. He only had to deliver mail from one end of Fred Rogers neighborhood to the other. My enve—package has to go cross-country. And that’s gonna take Abe and Andy.

“Roadtrip!”

“Shut up Andy. You’ve got egg nog in my stove pipe”

“Well you’ve got stove pipe in my egg nog!”

“Eww!”

“You’re a killjoy Abe. If Ulysses were here, he’d know how to party.”

“Backatcha Andy.”

What? Abe said “Backatcha.” I mean he said “Four score and seven years ago” and made it sound cool. He totally knew “Backatcha.” He also knew the Gettysburg Address (87, for you four keeping score). What Abe didn’t know was how to get this package to my parents address without help. Neither do I.

“It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us…”

And why can’t you be there, at my parent’s house? You’re no help at all Abe.

What would Obama do?

Yeah, I ain’t touching that one, no matter whose Christmas it would make.

It looks like I’m stuck. I’ll have to take Abe and Andy and head to the post office to face the happy mobs. Or maybe I’ll just take Abe. I mean I could tell Dad that it’s the post office’s fault.

“I can never tell a lie.”

Oh George, if only I could get through Christmas with just you. Me, I’m gonna lie. The package was lost in the mail.

Shhh.  It’s a Christmas surprise.  Don’t tell my dad. Otherwise, I’ve got to involve Abe and Andy.

“It puts the lotion on its skin and crams itself in the package.”

“Shut up, Andy. You’re creeping me out.”

Hey you, RobBlog reader!  As I have Christmas plans, and I’m sure you do too, this will probably be our last get-together before Return Day after Christmas. May God bless you and your family with His peace and love, which surpasses all human understanding. Travel safe, eat well, relish every moment with those around you, and show love for those less fortunate. Thank you for allowing me these moments of distraction from your world’s pressing issues! I hope they’ve lightened the load.

Here's your gift Dad!

Merry Christmas!

Rob