Rob & Rob

I’m beside myself!

No really, I’m beside myself and it’s creeping me out!

“Hi Rob!”

“Hi Rob…”

It’s like the machine in The Prestige.  OK maybe not. Maybe I’m being a little melodramatic. It’s nothing like that.  I just wish it were. 

See I’ve found some really cool elitist caffeine-junkie toys, and I see no way I can afford them.  The beside myself? Oh, that’s just wishful thinking.  I wish I were beside a rich RobBlogger, that way I could make my elitist dreams come true.

So what has my little self-indulgent heart going pitter-I-want-that pat?

Starbucks.

No, I don’t want the whole store, just a few items from their catalogue.  First, there’s this really cool $7 cup of coffee. Seven Bucks and that’s just the grande!  If you’re really indulgent, you can buy a bag of magic beans for $40. I’m really indulgent, but I have a wife who isn’t. She’s also not that understanding about my indulgence. I’ll stick with the grande cup for seven bucks, thank you fine bean huckster.

So why do I want this coffee? Cuz it’s $7! Keep up! I gotta see what a $7 cup of coffee tastes like. I’m sure it’s like unicorn rivers trickling down rainbow valleys though.

“For I am Cornholio!  I need TP for my bunghole!”

It’s gotta be magical. Nobody would pay that much for anything if it wasn’t, and nobody would charge for it if they couldn’t get paid.  If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, come check out my awesome Emperor Clothes. It’s like I’m wearing nothing at all…

Anyway, the other thing I want from Starbucks will help me afford my awesome $7 cup of coffee.  Starbucks is also offering a $450 gift card. With that card, I can either get 64 cups of miraculous brew or 11 bags to grind myself!

Or can I?

No.

See, here’s the thing.  The awesome $450 gift card is made of steel. Starbucks is charging $50 just for the cold metal pleasure against the leather folds of your wallet. And you probably can’t get it past the Airport security, so don’t even bother trying to use it at an airport Starbucks. Nope. This card is strictly for landlubbers who can’t work math.

That’s why I want it.

Unfortunately, once again, this is just why I won’t receive this pretentious gift from my Pirate Queen.

I do have one hope: they haven’t announced the lottery winner from Arizona. I have lots of family in Arizona; maybe I’m related!  That’s my dream, but nobody is returning my call. I’m getting a little anxious. Still, I’ve made sure to leave my Starbucks Christmas list on their machines, just in case.

So in the meantime…

I’m waiting…

And I’m beside myself…