On the Job

America is a nation of doers.  That’s right, if there’s a job to do we get it done.

“Rob, could you clean the bathroom?”

Usually.

Let’s face it. The “do” we do, we do for compensation. Whether it’s a paycheck, a good location, or incredible benefits. We “do” because we “get.” Cleaning the bathroom gets me nothing more than that yellow hue off the white bathroom tile. I’ll wear shoes.

When I work. I want the best benefits. That’s why I’m moving to Australia.

That’s because one of the best benefits of working is workers compensation.  If I’m at work one minute and then come-to in a hospital bed with my legs in the air, a cast on my groin, and a patched eye the next minute, I want to know I’m taken care of.

“What happened?”

“A freak copy machine incident. Wanna see it? It’s on YouTube?”

That’s why there’s workers compensation. A friend slipped on a fast food floor while mopping it: worker’s comp.  Another friend nailed his hand to a drywall panel: worker’s comp. A woman in Australia had bad motel sex: worker’s comp.

Ok, that’s not true. I mean, that she did have motel sex, and she did get worker’s comp, I’m just not sure the sex was bad. I’m just assuming that.  What I do know is that I’m so moving to Australia.

A 13 member Australian court found in favor of this woman, and now workers compensation will have to pay the damages. Why workers compensation? Because she was on a business trip, silly. If you’re hurt doing work activities, you get worker’s compensation.

And no, she’s not a prostitute, she’s a government employee—or she was a government employee. They seem to think motel sex is not part of the job requirement. They let her go. They clearly haven’t seen the American government in action. We have hotels specifically built to withstand government officials.

Australians don’t, or she probably wouldn’t have been injured. According to the Associated Press, “During the sex, a glass light fitting was torn from its mount above the bed and landed on her face, injuring her nose and mouth.”

Let’s go back. The light was torn from the ceiling. Just how do you accomplish that during sex? I mean I have a few ideas, but most of those require a generator, a harness and three 12-inch steel barreled bolts. Not something you’d do in a hotel—or at least that’s what I’ve heard. Either way, I take back what I said earlier: that doesn’t sound like bad sex to me.

So she and her partner tore down the light and it smashed her in the face. The AP report further states that, “She later suffered depression and was unable to continue working for the government.”

OK. So this is where I think she’s abusing the system.  If that had happened to any of us we’d have walked through the halls saying, “Yeah, the stitches? I got ‘em having sex. High five! Here, check out the YouTube video.” Depression just doesn’t sound right, especially not if you’re having “tear the lights from the ceiling” sex. Maybe Australians are doing it wrong.

Wrong or not, she filed a claim for damages. When the insurance company stopped laughing, they said, “no,” claiming that the sex was "not an ordinary incident of an overnight stay."  They concluded saying that in order for the injuries to be covered, the sex act would need to be condoned by the government to qualify for compensation.

In Australia, things are different.

“Excuse me, Mr. Jones, while attending the sanitation conference I’m planning a motel tryst with a whip and feathers.”

“Of course, Miss. Smith, so long as the feather come from a union facility.  Bring me a form 699-d. I’ll sign it and you can get on your way.”

I guess that’s the difference between Australia and the US. Their government condones sex acts.  Then again, the fact that they would be required to condone it kind of takes the fun out of the whole experience. It seems like a lot of work just to rent a motel for a few hours.

Maybe they don’t have hourly motel rental in Australia either. Wow, that place is upside down…

Still, unlike her American counterparts, this dissatisfied lover finally got her satisfaction.  The Australian court approved her claim. They said that the insurance would have paid her if her injuries came from playing cards in her room. It didn’t matter if it were sex or solitaire.

I’m sure her partner would disagree.

In the end, justice is done and another government worker is paid for having sex like a rockstar. I think I’m just fine with my American benefits. I mean who am I kidding? I’m a blogger. I don’t get worker’s compensation.