Thesaurus Claus

Halloween’s at hand, Thanksgiving’s on our bellies, and the election hurts us where we sit. What does all this mean to you? Christmas is just two months of white stubble away from becoming a full beard.

Speaking of beards I’m growing one again, but that’s another story for another day after things grow in. Today we’re talking about Christmas. Specifically Christmas and how it relates to me.

What? This is the season of giving.  And what better way to give than send a present to your 145^th favorite blogger? That’s right. And to show you my Christmas spirit, I’ll give you a list of what I want.

I know! My love is limitless! I’m one of the good ones!  Santa thinks so too, but he always gets me the wrong thing. He’s always stocking my stocking with pre-diamond coal and pre-packaged cow Pringles. This year I decided I’d be pre-emptive. I’ll express my Christmas desires pre-Christmas.

I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really really want.

And no.  In light of election season, My Queen has vetoed the spice girl fantasy. That’s ok. I saw The Spice Girls at the Olympics. Baby Spice looks a little more Old Spice these days.  I already have a cabinet of Old Spice.  I don’t need any more smells from another generation.

What I need is a thesaurus. 

That’s right.  I need to reload my word gun. 

My old thesaurus has been around since High School. It was great then but that was back when the English language consisted of five grunts, and Roget was still alive. Now language is so much more diverse.

WTF?

Yeah, we had a phrase for that when I was a kid, but it took three words and one of them I couldn’t say in front of my parents.

“What the fu—OW! Dad!“

That’s why I need a new Thesaurus, so I can talk to my parents.  I also need one to talk to you, and that’s why I think you should get one for me.  Are you taking notes, cuz my thesaurus needs are very specific.

I don’t want one of those stupid Dictionary/Thesauri/Wastes of paper things.  I can get the same results from Microsoft Word or iPhone’s spell correct. See, Dic-sauri are like redneck village wife searches: The choices are small and all related.

I need a category organized thesaurus that doesn’t transform into a dictionary. I have a dictionary already. I need list of words broken into subject tables with an index in the back.

That’s another important thing:  My thesaurus needs a good index.  See, how can I find the right words with a shoddy index? That’s like trying to Google proper tourniquet procedures using only the word “bind.” A bad index makes a good Thesaurus useless.

I do believe books should be flawless, but a Thesaurus should at least reference a "flaw's" existence.

There ya go.  See? I kept my list and my blog simple, easy, uncomplicated, effortless, minimal, basic, streamlined, uncluttered…