F.B.M.

I want a fat batman.

Detroit needs one. No, the world needs one, but I’m a selfish self-indulgent Rob-blogger, bring the fat batman to me, and then maybe, for a box of bearclaws, I’ll share him with you. We’ll see.

Petoskey on Michigan's Bat Mitt

Regular batman? He’s overrated.  Multimillionaire playboy playing with toys, cuz he can.  Fat batman? He’s for real. He’s part of the city.

Well, a real part of the city of Petoskey anyway. That doesn’t make him any less real though. And like the real fake batman he fights criminals, and is treated like a criminal by the police.  Earlier this week, it was the state police.

It seems that fat batman was assisting the police in a stolen car case, only the police didn’t see his selfless dedication as “assistance.” They saw his efforts as “contaminating a crime scene.” His bat-style clue search maneuvers confused the tracking dogs. They had not been trained to differentiate between “criminal scent” and three-day-old “bat-suit scent.”

I was impressed that the state troopers have dogs who can track down car thieves. I want one of those too.

“Where’s the taco truck, Rex? Where’s the taco truck? Good boy!”

I bet fat batman wants one of those too. The dog, I’m sure he already owns a taco truck. He’s fat batman, FB to his friends.

Who is this FB man? I can’t tell you that. It’s an alter ego, those are secret.  In real life he’s not so much fat as kinda chubby. Also, according to a local news report, FB has a wife who owns a small shop in Petoskey. Bet you can’t guess where the bat cave is!

“I am the guardian of the bat cave,” said Mrs. Batman. Ok no she didn’t, but I so wanted her to. 

We’ll the bat cave has been a little empty lately. Batman spent an evening in jail, and no, this isn’t the first time Mrs. Batman has slept alone.  Like any true vigilante, fat batman has spent more than one night in jail. Last May police arrested FB for rooftop surveillance without rooftop permission from said rooftop owner.

Strike another one up for the bad guys.

Strike one for cool batman perch poses too though! Squatting on a roof watching for crime? Can’t you see that? The police did, and they arrested him.

I’m sure they’ll do it again. Me, I say, hey, this is Michigan, if a bat guy’s squatting on a rooftop doing something other than dropping bat guano, give him a medal. Let’s take a positive where we can find it.

That’s why Detroit needs a fat batman.  Right now, for every good thing that goes right in Detroit, we have Google map pages with gun toting thugs, news articles about corrupt public servants, or another Kwame Kilpatrick trial sprinkling over the good spotlight.

Let’s fight sprinkles with jelly-filled. You can’t cover fat batman’s light; fat batman’s bat-light glows like the brightest donut of all.  Don’t even try, you’ll fail.

See, I like Detroit. It’s a city with attitude, but we’ve got so much attitude that we’ve become entitled, like Los Angeles, without the sparkle. At least in LA you can roll your eyes and say “arrogant jerk.” Sure that arrogant jerk will then sue you for your soul and probably own it by the weekend, but at least he’ll keep in a trophy case next to all the other souls he’s stolen over the years. Here, they’ll just shoot you in the face. There’s no soul involved.

That’s attitude.

And that makes this a job for fat batman.

Detroit takes itself too seriously. Yes, times are tough. Yes, we have been before. Yes, we will be again.  Does that mean we should forget how to laugh at ourselves?

“I am fat batman.”

Ok, he probably doesn’t call himself “fat” but “Big Boned” batman isn’t gonna fit on the bat belt buckle either. And how can you not smile knowing that? The point is, I want some dude sitting on a roof, watching criminals in neighborhoods that aren’t zoned for police. I want to watch. I want the wonder.

Will he catch the bad guy?

Will he get shot?

Will he fall through the roof?

“Holy structural integrity, batman!” The suspense is killing me!

I want somebody we can depend on for something, even if it’s just making us smile.

Please, fat batman, come save us from ourselves.