The Divorce Warrior

We’ve all seen the scene.  It’s really cool, and it’s in every action movie ever filmed. It’s that one explosive scene where our hero’s silhouette slo-mo saunters away from some great firestorm that he’s created, bringing down some sinister ring of Bambi thieves.  The gleam of determination burns in his eye while his lips purse around grim satisfaction, refusing to let it go. The bridges behind him erupt into flame.  He’ll never work in this town again.

 

This scene isn’t strictly a hero thing.  Sometimes the villain gets to do it too.  Yup, Hollywood is an equal opportunity pyromaniac. Bad guys, good guys, everyman guys are burning things down, and walking away.  It’s hard to tell who’s who here, but you can tell.  Usually the villain has deeper shadow contrast showing him opposed to the light. Oh and the screaming orphans bursting into flame.  They’re usually a dead giveaway. 

 

Wouldn’t that be cool in real life? Not the orphan crisps, but the telltale good and evil signs. It would be a great help to tell the good people from the bad people, just by how they contrasted against flame.

 

“Could you hold still while I set your hair on fire, Rob?  I need to see something…”

 

We can’t tell the difference, but we can set our worlds aflame and walk away all cool—just like in the movies.  Hey, even I’ve done that.  It was in college. I was seeing a girl.  Don’t look so shocked.  It happened, even to me.

 

Now I have a history of people leaving me. Don’t “awww…” It’s great.  It helps build up my martyr motif.  I am the lonely anti-hero, wandering the wasted earth searching…finding only evil and resistance.

 

I don’t think I’ve ever technically broken up with anybody.  Weird huh?  Still, this girl in college, even though I let her have the win in her column, I think you could say I kicked off the spark.

 

Dear Susan,

You’re driving me crazy, I need a little space.

 

FWOOM!

 

I can’t take all your lauds of love; she deserves some credit too.  If you look at where we were, we’d piled on as much gunpowder as we could; it was just a question of who grabbed the Zippo first.

 

I won!

 

I haven’t done that since.  Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the self-destructive fuel within me to fireball anything important, it’s just I’ve been a little slow since.  MyEx and I, well we were married.  We did everything together. I gathered the kindling while she dug the pit in the sand.  When we arranged it to both of our satisfaction, we each took hold of our unity candle and set everything ablaze.  Standing back, we warbled through a chorus of “Kumbaya,” then shadows overtook us as the light lost its energy and we became grey shades.

 

Now I’m back in the dating world, I’m no longer a team.  I don’t do things “together.” I don’t have anyone’s back. I don’t answer to pet names. I’m a lone anti-hero. I wander the divorce wasteland.  I’m back to watching my own back thank you.  I am the Divorce Warrior.  Yeah, Mel Gibson before he turned old and crazy.  Ok, maybe just before crazy.  Fine, yeah, whatever.  I’m crazy old Mel without the money or the chiseled body. You happy?  I’m not.  I’m the Divorce Warrior.  I sweat bitterness. Hear me whine!

 

As an anti-hero kiosk, I’m a stand-up guy.  People come to me with all their divorce questions.  Recently somebody emailed me the following:

 

Dear Rob Warrior,

Here's what I've been thinking -- just what is the purpose of dating? hmm? I haven't figured it out.  If it's to determine compatibility for marriage... then I'm not gonna date for a really really long time. I just don't want to do that again, maybe not ever. To not be lonely? I don't know.  What do you know?

 

Thirsty

 

 

Thanks Thirsty, I think it’s an important question, because why we date says a lot about who we are as well as where we are in our lives.  Some people want companionship, others just need a rainy day umbrella.  Either one is fine, so long as you know which column you stand in for your hard body.

 

I also think that it’s important that you start to answer these questions before you date, because it will enhance your dating experience.  Then again, how do you find the answers without dating?  Some answers require trial and error, and maybe a little jail time. Other answers you need to be willing to search yourself for; this option appeals to a lot of people.

 

Who is “Dating Rob?”  Well don’t know all the answers, but I do know the answer to my reader’s questions.  I date for marriage.  Not the simple act of marriage—I left that with the college girls drooling over their marriage main course core requirement packets.

 

Husbandry101…

 

No, marriage for marriage sake is nothing but a piece paper holding two opposing rhinos in place. Those shackles won’t hold forever. 

 

I want a companion who’s willing to marry me. And no, I'm not starting a marriage conga line here.  I was married once; it failed.  If I get married again, it will be my last time.  I'm done with divorce.  I figure if I can't get it right next time, then the least I can do is take a divine clue.

 

Still, I have hope. See I may be the Divorce Warrior, but I have a soft side.  I need companionship—but not just a sidekick.  It’s not about being lonely.  I’ve perfected that to an art.  Hell, I can be lonely in my sleep.  Lonely for me is like that monster under your bed that jumps out yelling, “Boo!” but has picked up the wrong phobia sheet.  It’s dressed up as a lamb with rabbit ears tied around its mutton head.

 

Baaaah!

 

Not really scary if you’re not Clarice from Silence of the Lambs. When it comes to loneliness, I’m to the point where I just hand it the remote and roll over. I’ve done my time here. I can do this some more if I need to.

 

Dating to appease loneliness just seems…well, lonely--at least to me.  It’s a quick fix. It’s incomplete. I need more. That’s not to say it’s the same for everybody though.  For some people all they need is a quick fix and a pat on the…uhm…well, you know…to keep them peppy.  Me, I need more.

 

I need somebody who I can appreciate. I need somebody who works sycophantically with me, and who at least understands certain aspects of my personality.  It would be really cool if they appreciated the same things I do. I want somebody to share my daily highs and lows.  Whether it’s winning the lottery or snapping a picture of a sunset because I know they’ll like it. How do I know these things? Through time and dating. 

 

And yet, I’m not much of a dater.  I don’t enjoy the process. I enjoy the finding, and the being with and the doing, but all the anxious, crap and failure that goes with it?  Yeah, sometimes there’s something to be said for the lone anti-hero.

 

I mean really, what I want is simple: I want somebody who brings out the best of me. I want a best friend and a lover, but I want the freedom of knowing that they’ll always be there. 

 

Piece of cake.

 

Ok, maybe not. I’ve seen the horrors that are out there, but like I said, I have a soft side.  I still believe that good and “forever” still exist. I know that Thirsty’s answers exist too, and given the right time, the right love, and the right conditions, they’ll find them.

 

As for me, I’ll search—alone if I have to.  I’m on a quest. I am The Divorce Warrior. I cast cool shadows in the firelight.  I do shadow puppets too! I’m a wonder to behold!