“Are you hung?”
Yes Virginia, there’s no end to the Christmas stalking surprises you’ll find when the girl strolling the mall in front of you is on a Bluetooth. I’d love to tell you about the rest of her conversation, but she’s only part of the fun planned for today’s blog.
It’s come to my attention that I’ve been humbugging Christmas. That’s what I’ve been told! I know! I was shocked to hear this too! Humbug? Me? No…Way!
“Way,” say they.
Fine. Today I’ll talk up Christmas cheer like I’m a Santa’s village snow blower. I’ll praise season’s greetings and bathe you in holiday tidings. Get ready to be rocked around your Christmas tree, and no, that’s not something on the menu from a Nevada hooker.
Jolly old St. Nicholas leaned this way and told me the true meaning of Christmas. That’s right! I’ve found a way to make this season work for the recently divorced. And I am not talking about bobbing for apples in a tub of spiked eggnog.
“It’s down here somewhere, give me another chance!”
I’m talking about using Christmas! Why should you let your divorce ruin the holiday, when there’s a way to use the holiday to forget your divorce?
Have I got your attention now? Are you interested in saying hello to my little friend? Tired of hating your EX or STBX? Then I’ve got the prefect gift for you. Follow me!
First things first, lets start the day at your favorite coffee establishment. Like Starbucks? Great! Are you too cool to shop at a Seattle sell out shop? Great I’ve got a special treat for you too, you just need to hold these wires together on your tongue—Oh! But we’re talking about coffee, and not you! There’s plenty of cheer to go around. Go to your favorite indy-swill-hole and drink up! We all know you’re better than us and that makes you more festive than Rudolf’s red nose shining up Santa’s big butt…
…Coffee! Fill yourselves with caffeine cuz your gonna need it! Why? Cuz you need to be extra wired: we’re going shopping!
What are we gonna buy? Why we’re getting your favorite Rob blogger something cool! Shhh! Don’t tell me! Let it be a surprise. Is it the gopher gun? The extra Rat zapper? The blow up Rachel Weisz doll? Shhhh! Don’t spoil it; just sip your coffee. Probably want the extra double shot of espresso too. Why? It brings the brown twitch of joy!
Good and giddy yet? Great. Here’s my surprise: This isn’t really about me, it’s about you. Yeah, I know, you can still buy me the gift, but that’s not why we’re stuck in holiday traffic right now. That was just a ploy to get you out. See, when you’re home sitting on the couch wishing you were Oprah, your seething your ex’s name between pursed lips.
Right now you know whose name is flicking your mistletoe of ire? Nope, not mine. Not yet, right now it’s that guy who just cut across three lanes of traffic so he could sit still in front of you. Let’s just call him “Audi-guy.” It’s better than the other name you want to call him.
“Mommy, what does that word mean?”
“Nothing honey, just show the man ‘Santa’s wave.’ That’s right, Good girl!”
Santa’s wave indeed! Feeling festive yet? Good Cuz we’re on the way to the mall. Audi-guy there? He’s gonna lead this happy parade all the way there with his baton up his butt. He’s reenacting the movie Speed: If his car goes faster than 10 miles an hour, he will blow up. That woman beside you who won’t pass you? She’s his wife. Enjoy the ride!
Oh, yeah, gotta pee yet? Ooohh, probably shouldn’t have mentioned that, huh? That’s ok, your not the only one in the car doing the potty dance. While your sitting behind Audi-man, it’s a good time to explain going before you leave the house. I know, you just did, but she wasn’t listening then either. Go ahead. Explain it again, you’ll have plenty of time.
…a lot like Christmas, everywhere you go…
We’re going to the mall! Now good luck finding parking! Is that An REI your driving past? Go ahead and send your daughter in for the bathroom and camping supplies, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride—but only if you time the pedestrians just right.
Oh look! There’s Audi-man! He just took your parking. Santa’s wave, everyone! Good! Now you’re catching the Christmas miracle! Quick test: Who’s the person you hate the most? That’s right! Audi-man! See? You are possessed with the spirit, and forgetting about divorce. Now, since Audi-man has abandoned his car for the moment, if your daughter comes back with the Sterno you asked for, you can write out fiery tidings across the hood of his car. That’ll leave a lasting holiday impression. After all, Sterno is, “The final touch of perfection.”
Guess what? In your jittery enthusiasm, you’ve over-done the Sterno it now says “FOCH YOD!!!!!!!” Not a problem. It’s only going to stay that for a few moments; It appears that 7 exclamation points is one exclamation over the fire safety code. Grabs some s’mores cuz you’ve just started a serious car fire! That’s something the kids really need to learn at Christmas! Good job. The really good news is, the guy who honked behind you cuz your car blocked the aisle while you waxed Sterno? He’s not honking anymore. He’s played GTA with the kids; he knows how this game ends. He’s back peddling faster than a reindeer from a hunting lodge.
As a matter of fact, a lot of people are leaving now! Look! Ample parking! You might want to park a little further from the Audi--I’m just saying.
So now it’s time to shop. This is where we meet the girl hung in her stockings. It’s always amazing how many people think cell phone equals “cone of silence.” She’s blocking the walk space between kiosk peddlers who are all over you like cookie glitter on frosting. You’d like to get around her, but you can’t without getting within reach of the kiosk gingerbread crazies, and you know how those movies end: somebody gets eaten alive and it’s usually not the cookie.
Single cell girl is oblivious. She’s trolling the mall for cute boys and better reception. It seems she’s got some dating site on speed dial and she’s taking her sweet time.
Still, you complete your shopping, get out to the car, twitch out the jitters, and start feeling human again. You’re exhausted. You’ll probably need some extra energy though. It appears there are fire trucks blocking the parking lot, and you can’t get to your car. Look! It’s Audi-man and he’s pointing at you. He’s Santa waving! Wave back!
He’s also talking to the police. Run, run, shopper you’ll never get away in time!
Ouch, that looked like it hurt. The good news is, watching mommy dragged away handcuffs is the kind of gift that gives and gives for years to come. And see? At the close of this fine holiday, who do you hate? That’s right, Audi-man! And when was the last time you thought about your ex? See? Getting through the holiday is about having fun and finding distractions. That’s all I’m trying to show you here. That’s my gift to you!
What’s that? Audi-man IS your ex? Oh, sorry, yeah, I know. You’re giving me a Santa wave for Christmas. It’s ok; I get those every year. It’s the thought that counts.
No comments:
Post a Comment