Spanking Sense into the Rob

So that was an airport….

Yup. I’m on the plane—well actually in. On it implies that I’m some airline cowboy. I’m not. I haven’t been on a plane in almost 9 years. This Christmas, I’ve made my plans, now it’s time to leave the land of mice and men and soar with the flying squirrels.

“Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.”

It’s weird. I’ve got to tell ya, the sun…it uhm…it rises. Every other time I get up, it’s already there to greet me. This time I had to return the favor. I did. “Hello sun.” that’s what I said from my driveway as I put my vacation plans into motion. The sun actually blinked twice. If you were up, you might have seen it. That was the sun wondering what had me up so early.

Grunge Pixie. I blame her. When this Pringles can with tortilla chip strips glued to it’s sides finally touches down, I’m gonna let her know that too. Until then, I’m busy talking to God. As long as I’m in the sky I’m not blaming him though. Nope, note to self: save blame for Grunge Pixie.

I could blame the woman beside me, but she is probably tired of explaining why the juju of flight is more powerful than the magic of gravity. That’s all right, she’d probably also rather hear that again rather than hearing about my divorce one more time. I say the weirdest things when I’m nervous.

“Sir, I don’t feel comfortable spanking you.”
“Please? Just until the turbulence ends?”
“Stewardess!”

You notice the strangest things while your world is bouncing like an aerosol tube ready to spray it’s contents on the ground. For instance, the wing out the window beside me? It’s got arrows on it. Not as if it’s been shot by Indians—that’s a little worrisome this high in the air--but these little painted pointers show the wind which direction to flow across it’s surface. I hope that’s what they’re doing, cuz if they’re supposed to tell us which way the plane is flying, they’re on backwards.

That thought scares me. I grab for the next closest object.

“Ow! “
Excuse me.”

That’s just some dude meandering down the aisle. He’s not as drunk as he seems. I suppose I could make an “unless he’s the pilot” joke, but somehow that’s not funny. Not now.

There’s a lot of jostling going on up here, but those aren’t the only things I notice. I remember the airport I just left. It’s a funny thing. I talked with several people while I was there. Do you know how many people I mentioned my divorce to? Nobody.

I know! Isn’t it cool? It’s part of the divorce game. We all play it, and after you’ve been through it, you make a game of it. It’s like the Taboo game. In Taboo, you try to get somebody to say a word you’re looking at, without saying the other words on the list. It’s like charades with handcuffs and oven mitts. Which is a cool coincidence, because divorce is like marriage without the handcuffs and oven mitts.

The divorce game though, is when you talk to people and see how long you go before mentioning the divorce. At first it’s tough. When I divorced, I took a trip to Laughlin while MyEx moved out. While I was there, I sat at a slot machine. I was losing; the woman beside me was winning. I congratulated her; that was one sentence.

She said, “you should bring your wife over here for good luck.”
“Oh, she’s busy divorcing me. She’s moving out of my house right now. I don’t think she’s bringing me any good luck.”

Yup I lost by sentence two. The lady beside me? She stared at me for a second and then cashed out. That was a little over a year ago. This year I’m back at my competitive best. This year I need to be good cuz Grunge Pixie isn’t going to want to compare divorce wounds. I’d rather she not send me out by sentence two.

So while I waited for the plane I practiced conversation. I made it through several conversations without thinking that “would you like pretzels” was the perfect segue into divorce talk.

What’s my secret? It’s time and healing. That’s all it takes. Now if I can live to walk off this plane without needing either, I’m set. The problem is that this winter has hit everything really hard.

And see? If this had been last year, I’d have mentioned that last year harder than this. I’ve had time and healing though. This Christmas I’m better. This Christmas I will enjoy. All I need is this plane to land.

“Are you sure you won’t spank me?”
“Stewardess!”