Postal-geddon

Dear Dad,

Hi!  How are you?  I am fine.

Love,

Rob

———

Dear Mom,

Hi! How are you? I am fine.

Love,

Rob

———

­­Dear—shh!  Hang on blog reader: I’m writing correspondence.  It looks like the Post Office is raising the cost of stamps again.  Now it’s charging $.46 to send a letter, and $.23 to fit your love onto a postcard.

“Dear Suzie, I love your ----> over…”

“Dear Frank, I couldn’t read your writing over the postcard picture of ‘trade-show showgirls gone wild.’ I couldn’t tell where your pen ended and her tattoos began. I guess I love your ---> Over…”

“Dear Suzie, where did you get the ‘Thunder from Down Under’ card? You have some nerve sending ---> over…”

Take a hint from Frank and Suzie here.  Love is complicated enough, spend the extra $.23 for a letter, or do what I do: put your love in a blog.  Sure, blogs aren’t as private but that’s what secret codes are for.  In war, messages weren’t sent by postal services; they were sent over open air. Since open air is a very…well…crowded communication medium, war plans needed to be coded.

“Dear Johnny, Remember that pair of tighty-whiteys you left at my place? They’re on their way right now. Over.”

My messages aren’t nearly as imperative as that. My correspondence is more of the meh variety so I don’t need to worry too much about secret codes. Maybe that’s why I’m a little resistant to spend $.46.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t blame the Post Office. They’re in a hard place.  People don’t write more than 120 words any more, and those words are all posted through social media. Why not? Social media is free, and let’s face it, most written correspondence since the invention of the telephone equates to my inky meh at best.

“How are you? I am fine.”

At least I give my love.

Letter love waned when important messages were passed over the immediate crackle of Ma Bell and her circuit babies. The only message left to send was sent by forcing meh to paper, and we still did it.

Because our parents made us.

Now we’re parents ourselves, and the big debate is “should schools still teach cursive handwriting?” It’s clearly not as important as QWERTY. And while we debate, we’re forcing our kids to “talk to grandma” on the phone, because it’s the nostalgic communications medium of our youth, and anything immediate and important was already Tweeted.

“Help! My house is on fire! #burning#pain#BBQ @BFD”

Where’s that leave the post office? They can’t lower their rates and hope we’ll come back. We’ll never like them like we like Facebook, because they can’t work for free. They can’t even post near as fast as Twitter. What’s left?

Raise rates.

It’s the last desperate gasp of a dying giant. Our grandchildren may only see post offices next to trading posts in history books and ask, “what’s that?”

“It’s where olden-time people tweeted, Britney.”

There is hope for the post office. They need to find a new business model, because the old one leads to a mailbox along the road of the dodo. Maybe they should do what Facebook does. Facebook isn’t free. It is for us, but if you’re an advertiser, you’re gonna pay more than $.46 a post. If the Post office commercialized mail, or sponsored stamps, the sender could send mail for free and the receiver would get a little subsidized advertising with their message.

“This letter is brought to you by Tampax.”

We already get bulk loads of adverts in the mailbox, why shouldn’t advertisers pay a little more for the privilege? Bulk mail this, buddy! It’s in their best interest to keep the Post Office alive, because if the Post Office stops working, advertisers junk won’t ship anywhere, and then who will know where to find Cheap Chinese delivery?

It’s Postal-geddon.

Either way, I’m ready. I can’t afford $.46 a letter.  I have too many relatives, but I do have a free blog, and no readers. Sounds like an open communication platform to me.

Dear Sis,

How are you..?