Some Things are more Prescious than Others

The problem with most Hobbits is that they aren’t real. No, really.  It looks like they’re finding that out in New Zealand right now. I guess they’ve discovered that movie Hobbits, unlike real Hobbits don’t know how to handle livestock and now local animal wranglers are complaining.

“Hobbit blamed for dozens of animal deaths,” read one headline.  Wow!

Now I mean it’s not like movie Hobbits are offering sacrifices to Cecil B. D’Beelzebub. No, the poor critters are just dying due to “death traps.”  OK, granted, that doesn’t sound much better, but let me assure you just as the news assures me: Hobbits and Dwarves are not wandering the hills setting snares and punji sticks for furry toed shits and giggles.

First Blood 5: Bilbo

No, this problem is more like the land that the film crew is keeping the animals on is filled with sinkholes and such. The problem isn’t any less serious though.  Death tolls vary, depending on whose PR team you’re listening to, but AP agrees that wranglers admit to burying three horses, six goats, six sheep, a dozen chickens and one troll. 

Ok, I made the last one up, but I think that that’s a great way for New Zealand’s PR team to spin this. Let’s not talk about film crew negligence in our land of beauty. That’s yesterday’s news and let’s face it: film crews are carrion. Film crews leave nothing but death and depleted catering teams in their wake.

Instead, let’s talk about film crews killing trolls. 

Tourism will boom!  News reports will picture Princess Kate leading three billy-goats to their bridge-top doom in order to trap a toll troll.

“I don’t know. This billy doesn’t look gruff enough…”

I’ve watched enough news to know that it’s all on how you sell the death, because lets face it. These film Hobbits aren’t as conservative as real Hobbits. They’re like goblins on a grog bender. They lay waste to all that they see and then leave.

Maybe if film Hobbits had natural predators. You know, circle of life and all that. Film crews would be required to keep the natural film Hobbit ecology in check with film Balrogs or the like.

“I had no idea Joe Peschi could run like that…”

“Run Joe! Run!”

Until then, a good rule of thumb for visiting film Hobbits is to hide your women and your livestock.

You’ll be glad you did.