Day to day. It's the routine. In the early days of my divorce—Ok, I'm still a swaddling babe in this, the earlier days—the routine was all I had to keep moving forward. Every day I'd get up and try to build a routine, a memory, something that didn't involve MyUnwife. That's hard as hell when you're wandering the house where dust settles like chalk outlines for all the things that used to be part of your life. Each mark a memory of the woman I spent the last 10 years with.
No matter how hard I tried, all thoughts led back there. It's like when somebody shouts "don't look!" What's the first thing you do? Yup, I see you looking right now. For me that happened every time I crossed from one room to the next. My neck had a natural kink. If I'm going to be kinky, my neck is not where I want to carry my kink.
All I could do was concentrate on the routine. Get up…check. Look for email….check. Write blog…check… Everything that resembled MyUnwife was an elephant in the room that I couldn't talk about or fit through the door into the yard.
Sorry, I don't have time to think about those memories, checklist says I'm pouring milk right now. I have a routine to up keep, don't cha know. I don't know When my mind started talking Wisconsinese, but there it is. Maybe it's the cheese…
Building a routine. Everyday was a challenge, even if the challenge was "Can I get through today without throwing a bitter tirade?" No? How about tomorrow…
That's the other thing. While you try to build routine, you have to be very forgiving with yourself when you falter. If for no other reason than the fact that you’re the only one in a divorce who's going to be very forgiving with you. Some days you'll be more successful than others. That's ok, build mistakes into the routine. "The list says I can screw up today. Woo Hoo! I needed one of those days!"
I was the chicken and the road: Each day a routine adventure just to get to the other side without meeting the truck-grill of my dreams. Each day got easier. Not so that I would notice, not without a month of hindsight. But each day I got better of avoiding the truck, each day, I'd make it one lane further without getting my feathers ruffled by a passing SUV. Now I can dance across the road, just like the little Frogger dude. I'm no longer a chicken, I'm amphibious, I can breath in any environment. It's only when I forget the patterns and routines that I get smacked flat. Always concentrate on the routine.
I know I've said this before, it's nothing new. So why am I saying it again. I've been reading a lot from other people in pain. People who are where I've been, also people who are where I'm going. People crossing the daily road. We all need it. Most of all, I'm saying it again because it's part of the routine.
2 comments:
At least you are getting it out. And, BTW, you are a very good writer. Im impressed. Just keep doing what you're doing, and in time, it will all be a memory...including the pain. Its hard when you end up in the place you once shared...you need to redecorate. Move things around and get a new vibe. You will be amazed at how much that helps:)
Aww...your just saying that good writers stuff cuz this is my blog. You don't insult a guy in his own house. ;) Seriously though, thanks. The occasional compliment is nice.
As far as the redecorating, It's a great idea. I do what I can as I can afford it. The mortgage is pretty heavy, my monthly budget is over what I make, so I'm dwindling my savings until the pre-pay expires on my refi. That was one of the things MyUnwife left me. But I do what I can, If you jump back to my august posts you can see what I did with my office. Since it's where I spend all my time, I made it as ME as possible, without spending more than $20.
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