A Christmas Curse.

"Have a Merry Christmas!" That's what I said.

"Oh, I'll see you before then." Those were her words. That was her curse. She didn't mean it that way, but that's what she did. How do I reply?

Maybe I should explain the "who." It's my favorite grocery store clerk. I've mentioned her before. We pass small talk over UPC scans. Friday I saw her, we were both shopping. I was on my way in, she was scrambling out. Still dressed in checker uniform, she didn't pretended to be invisible, but I saw her. I said hello. She cursed me.

I knew she was wrong, I wasn't going to be back in, not before Christmas. This was my last shop before locking myself in. Still I smiled and said, "probably," and let it go.

In a way I wanted to see her again before Christmas. Not like that, more like I wasn't going to see anybody really before Christmas. This was going to be my long weekend alone. I've been promising myself I'd be fine. My ceaseless holiday mantra: a Christmas train twisting an infinite oval around my lips. The more I say it, the better I'll be. I'll be fine. I'll be fine. I'll be fine. I hope so.

I wanted to put my Christmas tidings up in the front, for the world to see, let them know I'd be fine. I told you about my palm tree. It was my plan, my rebellion. My dare against the forces of Christmas loneliness. It didn't happen. I've been too busy and my free time has been at night. It's hard to do outdoor decorations around a cactus in the dark. First you jab yourself, then you yank back and job yourself again. It's a rebounding agony. It's also fun to watch, but nobody can see me in the dark. It's something I need to do for them. I am the clown. Look, I'll be fine.

Still I had Christmas plans. I had things to do. I needed to make cookies and fudge. Cookies and fudge are the first line of defense against Christmas loneliness. When I opened my sugar, I realized my line of defense was dotted with gaps: I was out of sugar.

Oh, I'll see you before then. Yeah, thanks a lot...

Well now she'd get her chance. I drove over to the store Saturday, after I mowed my lawn. I still didn't get to do my decorations, but at least my yard looked trimed. Walking into the grocery store, you'll never believe who I saw coming out. Yup.

"What do you do, live here?" says the cashier who's there way more frequently than I am.

"I forgot the sugar." say's Mr. Kettle to Ms. Pot.

"Well you have to remember the sugar."

I smiled and looked in her cart. She'd remembered it. Lots of treats there. Oh and Play Doh too. Somebody is gonna have fun on Christmas. Once more I say, "have a good Christmas." And again, she curses me.

"Oh, I'll see you before then."

Why? I was nice…let me go…I'll be fine...

I go in, grab my sugar. On the way out, she drives past me and waves. It looks like she's got a big family gathering planned. I wish I had one. It's ok. I'm fine with this. I go home. I've remembered the sugar.

I make my cookies and my Chex mix. All that's left is the fudge. Overkill? Hey, I gotta feed the demons. When they're in a sugar coma, they can't find you. One apparently Googled me anyway. It sat with me, reminding me I was lonely. Thankfully, a friend from my writers' group calls. They've got a new puppy, and wanted to make sure I'm ok.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for the call." As we're talking I relay my Christmas dinner plans. "Yeah, I'm making me a ham, and some potatoes...and--AW CRAP!" I forgot my vegetable. I'm going back to the grocery store.

I figure I'll go after church; it's on my way home. I'm considering going to a different store just to prove the girl wrong. Naw, I'll just go in. I'll be fine.

At Church I get an invite for Christmas eve dinner. This family, who was in the membership classes with me, asked me over to celebrate. I'd have said yes, but I'd volunteered to usher for Christmas eve service. Oh well. They promised to invite me over again later. I'll hold out for a good menu.

On my way in for veggies, guess who I run into? Yeah, her again. I told her I blamed her, but I'd still wish her a merry Christmas. "Don't worry, She said, "I won't jinx you again."

I'm back home. I'm home until tonight's service, and then I'm home until Friday. I'll be fine. I'm still telling myself that. She could have jinxed me, I'd have been alright. Now I have all I need, all to myself. I put up a tree, inside, since I couldn't do one outside. I'll post pics. If you can't see them, go here (they're at the bottom). My graphic friendly site. Pay special attention to my tree topper. That's my new ornament. Pretty hideous huh? I thank my friend from Arizona. He came out and we saw one just like it. We laughed so hard. Stole the little ornament's manhood, if that's possible. I couldn't tease something like that without bringing it home.

So I sit staring at my tree, feeling lonely, and a little light goes off. It's like the blinking ones in my tree, but this one's over my head, and kinda dim. Still, I'm bright enough to notice. Why do I feel lonely? How am I alone? I have a cashier for paper, plastic, and small talk; I have people at church offering bread and wine; I have writers group people to call me at odd hours to dictate their victories; then I have a friend in Arizona, who I can depend on for the delicacies of bad taste. I'm sure there are other people wishing they were that lonely. So, this year I'll be spending Christmas by myself, but I'm certainly not alone.