Statistically speaking

"Figures don't lie, but liars do figure." That's what my dad used to tell me. My dad was full of wonderful sayings. I think his favorite was, "give your tongue a sleigh ride." That one never made any sense to me. Although the image of my tongue wagging on the back of a toboggan did make me giggle as a little kid. Probably not the results he was looking for.

"Figures don't lie…." I've looked in the mirror. I don't really have a figure. What does that make me? A liar? Isn't there an option C? Can't I be a doctor or a fireman instead? No, I'm a writer, and as we all know, writers are liars. Thanks dad. Why didn't you just say "Become a statistician or you're going to hell." Parents always put such pressure on you.

My dad was divorced, like his father before him. It's a time honored tradition in our family. How can I break away from that? I'm tired of blaming MyUnwife. Maybe I should blame Dad. I guess the good news is that the men in my family only remarried once, so maybe the next time for me it'll stick. I've got a vat of epoxy, just in case. We'll see, I still have my Mom's genes to contend with.

I went looking for statistics on children of divorce but couldn't find any. Oh everybody said we were more susceptible, but when it came to actual statistics, everybody mumbled like they had marbles in their mouth. Makes sense, that's where I kept mine. That's right, I'm a liar; I'll make some statistics up. Children of divorce are 100% more likely to come from divorced families than children without divorced parents. Not bad. I could get used to this.

MyUnwife is the product of divorce. Her parents didn't bother to do it until the kids were grown up. Instead MyUnwife got to see all the bitter bickering that comes if you stay and fight things out. Screw it, I blame her parents. No I don't; Her dad's a big guy. Her dad could beat my dad. Sorry dad, you get the mantle again. It's my turn to protect you.

When I went to my grandfather's funeral, my dad and I were the only divorced people there. I have 2 aunts, 2 uncles, 2 cousins, and one sister, enough relatives to toss on an ark and call a menagerie. Or, enough to make a statistic: all married, none divorced. All the aunts and uncles outlasted my marriage, and one cousin only needs to stick it out another year. I'm special, in that divorce-short-bus kinda way. Oh, but according to the statistics, I'm more likely to not want a divorce. Huh. I don't see that "not wanting" doing me a whole lot of good here. What's that thing Dad said about wishing in one hand..?

I'm a liar. I could make up a whole story about my perfect marriage. The princess who found a toad and thought his warts were cute. I could rush in, slay the toad, and live happily ever after with the princess. He was a big toad, so we'd have frog legs for life. Hunter gatherer, keeper. That's me. Oh, and Liar, but I prefer to be called "dreamer." I'm special, and it figures.