Plague Season is upon us.

Raindrops on roses, biscotti served kittens…or something like that. I went to the mall last night, just to get out of the house. You know they're already playing Christmas music? Yeah, I wasn't that surprised either, but surprised or not, this year I'm a little edgier. This year I'm alone. This year I'm walking the sidewalk outside our local Borders and they're piping out this strudel, poodle, kitten mitten stuff that used to be one of my favorite things. Now they're just reminders that Holiday's are for these nuzzling couples I'm slaloming between looking for escape. Christmas has become that "running nowhere" nightmare. I look down: Thank God I'm not naked too.

Christmas is for families. I know, I've said it before. I think I did that because it's true. I don't tend to repeat my lies. Christmas was MyUnwife's time of year. I think my ten years in retail sapped the triple-ho spirit from me. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy Christmas, it's just that a whole month of cheer is a little long. It's like going on an M&M binge and then having a friend give you a 2 pound bag. You swallow one candy pellet at a time, smile at your friend, and expect to vomit at any second.

Oozes in your mouth, not in your hands….

It's even worse for me: I listen to radio for a living. Several stations have already turned to the Christmas side. I'll be monitoring and identifying Christmas music till little elfin paratroopers pop from my ears. Woo Freakin' Hoo! So yeah, if you live near KAIM, KSGN, or WRCM you too can join in the endless Christmas fun. Tune in, pretend I'm serenading you while my head beats percussion against the wall.

These are a few of my favorite things...

The music drove MyUNwife nuts. She'd roll her eyes across the floor every time she heard "The Christmas Shoes." And let me tell you, come Christmas, she got to hear it a lot. She hated it, I'd learned to numb it out. I think that that skill will come in handy this Christmas.

Santa: So what do you want for Christmas this year Robby?

Me: A happy Marriage.

Santa: Sorry kid, you'll shoot your eye out.

Me: Very funny Santa.

Santa: I got a bag full of 'em. The elves write stuff for me all year. Here have a copy of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.

Me: No thanks, I'm already finding that out, Santa.