The following are pages from The Friendly Divorce Primer.
Introduction.
So you're getting a divorce. Welcome to the club. The good news is we don't ask for dues, initiation rites, or the wearing of silly uniforms. All you need to join our group is that sick gnawing in the pit of your stomach and somebody to blame it on.
We're not a secret organization, but most churches still frown on your membership. They aren’t so mad that you're a member, they'd just rather that you didn't sign up in the first place.
Are you the dumper? The dumpee? It doesn't matter to us! You're both welcome as equal members; we just ask that you attend separate meetings.
Now that you've accepted that you're one of us, take heart! We're not a zombie legion trying to eat your brains, that's the relationship you're leaving. We're your friends. We inspire free thinking. We encourage you to be your own person, make your own decisions, and live your own life, because you'll be doing it by yourself for quite a while. Get used to it now.
Now repeat after me: "I am a free thinker."
Good.
Now as you enter this state of unholy acrimony, we'd like to offer an option that maybe you haven't considered: The friendly divorce.
The friendly divorce is your way of saying to the un-spouse "Look, I know you're an evil life stealing entity, but there must be some way to cast you out without consulting a book of black lawyer magic." Your un-spouse becomes a hostile ally, like those buddy movies of the 80s. Demon spawn and angelic spirit, united for the amusement of sadistic voyeurs. Well, they're not voyeurs really; they participate when the can. They pelt you with stupid questions like peanuts at a caged animal
"So what happened?"
"Have you tried getting back together?"
"Isn't there something you can do?"
"I always thought you guys would last."
Ok, the last one isn't a question, but it's equally as stupid. 9 out of 10 divorces aren't planned over the engagement dinner.
"So I was thinking, we'd save all the wedding gifts, keep this thing together for 6-7 years, pretend to be happy, then start throwing the wedding gifts at each other while divvying up the things we really want. What do you say? Will you divorce me?"
This is similar to the friendly divorce approach, only like most things in your marriage, the friendly divorce requires no forethought or preplanning. Just dive in.
Why embrace a friendly divorce over conventional warfare? Attrition really. Ask not what you can give you un-spouse but what your un-spouse can wring from your soul. It's a way of avoiding the nasty side effects like loss of apatite and bladder control. At the very least, it's a way of pissing off your less-significant other by being so nice it hurts.
"Why weren't you this nice during the marriage?"
"Because you weren't leaving."
Ok, you probably should avoid that dialogue. In fact, it's best to avoid dialogue all together. Talking as a useful alternative left the room the moment one of you played the divorce card. In the game of Matrimony, the divorce card is the atomic bomb. So remember this rule:
In a friendly divorce, "I love you" is never having to say "hello."
When pursuing a friendly divorce, it is important to remember the appropriate etiquette. Just like eating corn dogs at an expensive restaurant, there are ways to do things. It won't be as fun as a Woodland California TMJ exam, but it will give people watching you something to talk about, and it may just save your life.
Start by looking at the title. "Friendly Divorce." Both words, like in the term "Deadly Virus," are important. Think of it as a form of alchemy. You're trying to turn guano (that would be the "divorce" part) into shoe polish. The process is dictated by the "Friendly" thing.
Good luck!
Friendly inspires friendly. Maybe not immediately, but it will bring about a slow gradual wave. Think of it as a surge of frozen molasses: both tasty and eventual. It'll happen. Someday. If you're lucky, it may even happen before the paperwork is finalized.
Practice being friendly in the mirror at least twice daily.
Holding out a broom and saying "Don't forget your ride to work" can be considered helpful, but the darker insinuations make it unfriendly. As a rule, If it's not something you would say to your parents in church, it's probably not something you should say at all.
Never been to church? No problem! Look at it this way: There's a little old lady who rolls her rickety wheelchair out to get her newspaper every morning. A blanket in her lap and a shawl pulled tightly around her, she smiles a greeting to you every morning. Every morning you treat her with utmost respect. Not because the concealed weapon beneath her blanket, but because her grandson is the leader of the neighborhood gang. Last time he broke into your house and took half your stuff as well as your new car, he promised never to do it again so long as you were nice to his grandma.
Be nice to her. You don't want to lose your collection of 12' imports. It took you 7 years of college to collect them, and her grandson knows it.
That's friendly. Contrary to popular belief, friendly is not always altruistic (that's love, If you're reading this, love left town a while back), it's just survivalistic. I hope to turn you into the Ted Nugent of the divorce world. So follow me into the jungle. Don't touch the strange Flora or Fauna, you don't know who's poisonous yet.
Yet….
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