"There's 2 people to avoid in this stadium: the clock and Larry Johnston."
Football is great. How can you argue with color commentators who give their personification 110%? No, I mean it. Never argue with the delusional, they're crazy. I guess that means there's 3 people to avoid in that stadium.
Now I feel bad. I've made references in the past to a friend's mixed sport metaphor. I thought she made it up, but now, maybe, I'm wondering if she overheard it. I guess I owe her an apology.
Yeah, I know. I'm sure she's holding her breath right now waiting for that. Let's all stare at her and watch for bugging eyes and the cool shades of blue.
Well? We'll come back to her later.
I mention her, not because she's a bad person, but more because I'm a bad person. Her? I'm at peace with her. Hell, I'm at peace with MyUnwife, and she's not waiting for an apology. I gave her one. She spat it back in my face almost a year ago.
Apologizing has a long and humble history of prostitution. No sorry, prostration, although prostitution does work. The word Apology comes from the Greek word, "Apology." Spoken with a Greek accent, it means "Defense speech." Spoken in English it means "oops, I'm an idiot." Somehow it's lost a little bit in the translation. For Greeks, an apology was noble. Now in America, even Paris Hilton can apologize for "acting" dumb. Yeah, I know. She had me fooled too. Really, she's a nuclear physicist. I feel so used. And not in a good way.
Apologies are tricky. MyUnwife thought my motives were self serving. She has a point. That does sort of steal the sincerity from the ol "I'm Sorry."
"I'm sorry I ____" I filled in the blank. I'm sorry, I'd tell you, I really would, but I've mentioned it before, and I really don't want to go back into it. It's a scab I'm trying not to pick. It's just getting a nice crust on it, and…sorry about that: too descriptive.
I've heard MyUnwife's reasons for not believing my apology. "You said it just because ____" Oh wait, I can say what she said; there's no need to blank her out. She thought I did it because we were visiting my family later. The theory was similar to bribing a four year old with a candy bar.
I'm sorry you don't know me that well. When was the last time I played the weasel bearing sugar goodies?
Speaking of weasels, how's my chipmunk friend? Let's check in on our puffy cheeked heroine. She looks like she's still holding her breath. Good for her. I like resilience in a person, even when she's staring in the face of futility.
"Hi! I'm futility. Nice to meet you." Yup, she's still staring in my face; her face is a little pale now though, and her eyes are wide and waiting. Hang in there! Pat, pat.
Let's go back to MyUnwife
I did my best to coax her down from the wall of apology. She just leapt to the other side I over explained myself, I made a fool of myself, I opened old wounds. These are things I'm good at and I excelled that day, only for her. Finally I broke it down to the only thing I could say:
"I'm sorry."
The reality is, if she wouldn't believe my motives, nothing I said would make her believe my sincerity. Apologies are only redeemable when they're accepted.
I think the one thing I was guilty of that morning was trying to pacify my conscience. By admitting my guilt to the person I used to tell everything to, I could open things up again. Maybe not start anew, but do my part in rebuilding what we'd allowed to rot with neglect for the past few years.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry Josh's mom, Mike's mom, and my mom. I'm sorry to everyone I was very naïve. Look up my nose, you can see how sorry I am. The nostrils are the sincerity river from the soul, flowing with fraught froth. Look into their depths.
Yeah, that's why I never tried the Blair Witch apology. And see? That's one actress who deserves an apology. She bore her naked nasal cavity before millions. Let's face it, the upside of the nose is not the sexy side of anybody, yet she showed us her snotty underbelly. And what did it get her? I've seen her in 3 bad sci-fi films, and an "Outer Limits" rerun. I'm sorry Heather's mom, your daughter peaked so young.
So, back to the blue friend footage. Yup, you see the Smurfy hue to her flesh? It's not because she ready to burst into song. Her eyes are no longer daring for an apology, they're dancing without a partner for oxygen, sort of like a startled horse. Oh look! They stopped. Funny coincidence I used the term faint before. I think she just has. That's ok, she'll start breathing again. And when she comes to, she can try again, or apologize for quitting my demonstration.
This is why I don't apologize often. When you hear the words "I'm sorry" so many times, it stops being real. It's like watching Showgirls for the breasts. After fifteen minutes or so, they all start to blend together, and the mind wanders.
"Did I leave the coffee pot on?"
"Man, that toenail is huge! I need to trim it!"
"A BLT sounds really good right now."
No, you have to be careful with apologies. Although it is good to know when to give them. Just look at my friend. She's coming to, and she's found an axe. It doesn't look like she's waiting for an apology any more. I should go, she's lurching this way. I can hear the color commentary now:
"Her face is so pasty, she's making the glue horses nervous, but you've got to give it to her: she's still wielding an axe! Cowabunga Al!"
It's just a crime what they do to the English language.
I'm sorry, I love football commentators.
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