Previously on Rob's Blog:
"I hate you. I want a divorce."
"If that's what you want."
"One dish two dish my dish, you dish."
"your"
"What?"
"'your dish' is how you're supposed to say it."
"No, you misheard. The last word wasn't 'dish'"
"Oh…"
Slam! Vrooom!
Bye.
There ya go. Rob's recap fall TV style. f this were CSI: Miami, I'd take off my glasses here and repeat a scripted quip that makes you roll your eyes and contemplate the remote before the screen goes black. Don't worry. There's still time. I'll make you're eyes roll yet.
That's the great part about TV, you can change the channel when the Cannell and Kelly pap gets too banal. The challenge is finding something worth staying tuned for. I've been watching the new Flash Gordon for it's scientific accuracy and continuity of plot.
Ok, not really, it's all about the sexy aliens. There's a bounty hunter and a princess. What more could a guy ask for? You're right, they do need a Bo Peep. There is a little red head wishy-washy reporter, does she count? She also fills the ex-girlfriend nook. The rest is all monsters, action, and testosterone backsplash. This show has everything!
That's what I've become since MyUnwife left. No, I'm not saying that she took the best part of me, Maybe I'm saying that when she left, the real Neanderthal swaggered out of his cave. No reason to pretend I'm civil anymore.
"Who would watch this crap?"
"I know! Vampire Beach Patrol. What will they air next? Could you move a little, you're blocking Mistress Naomi. she's slathering on more moon tan lotion. It's tonight's safety tip."
The nice part about having a small blog is I don't have to worry about some twisted little work-at-home writer reading that and thinking "Hey! What a great idea!"
I mean besides me.
Speaking of good ideas and bloodsuckers, I thought this would be a good time to catch you up on the state of the disunion. At least my part of it. You'd have to ask MyUnwife about her status. To make that easier, I'll post her phone number after this commercial message.
Music intro
"Give me money!"
Music outro
Ok, I'm back. Hey look! My commercial pretty much expresses where I'm at. Actually last month I came close to meeting my budget, but this month is ugly and I don't mean America Ferrera. It's so bad in fact that I'm gonna be "man not home" for Halloween. I can't afford to feed the kids, no matter how much Sally Struthers begs. Our neighborhood is full of them, and I've always donated over seventy-five bucks to the M&M/Mars fund to fatten up the little waifs. This year, maybe I'll teach them how to skin and eat the eggs they'll otherwise throw at my house.
"Give a kid an egg and he'll make a weapon. Teach a kid to lay an egg and he'll never leave his room." -Captain Kangaroo, The Lost Episodes.
Other than money, everything else is getting better. I'm getting used to MyUnwife not being around. I don't hate her or anything, she's just the one who decided to get away. I still need to stop comparing the woman from three years ago to the one who left. It's a weird paradox. I don't even think Charlie from Numb3ers can explain it.
"imagine a giant meteor. As it hurtles towards your house, it loses mass, but picks up speed. Well mathematicians can take the fireball of death variables and convert it into a projected crater of despair. How it decimates your life can be quantified in the "dude you're screwed!" quotient. "
This is the same argument networks use for reality programming when actors want to renegotiate their contracts.
Reality programming. Oxymoron? Yeah, but I'm the friendly divorce guy; I'm collecting oxymorons. I think I'll try reality for my next relationship. No, I'm kidding. If I wanted that kind of backstabbing and treachery, I'd call my sister; she's got a lot to get even for. But the reality approach may not be a bad idea in other areas. I mean I could get multiple teams to paint my house, cook my food, and design my clothes. That’s a squadron of armatures vying for ways to please me. Show me the downside! I wonder if I could get the same kind of deal for a manservant and a maid.
"Whoever can get that weird stain off the toilet wins immunity."
See? It would definitely liven things up. That's still the one tough part though. No matter how much television noise I inject into my life. there's still too much quiet. I am getting better with the lonely though. I'm working through it. Thanksgiving is a month and a half away, but I'm going to be ok. When I was in college I did a few Denny's turkey dinners; I'll survive. I'm thinking I can get a game hen and cook it on the grill. It seems silly to get a whole turkey. I'll never eat it all.
So I guess the important thing to draw from all of this is that I'm doing ok, and yeah, I'm getting better, so stay tuned.
No comments:
Post a Comment