"Vacation Meant to be spent alone…"-Go-Go's

Welcome to Rob's Vacation!

Step lively folks or you just might miss it! And just how do you step lively? And more importantly, would the opposite be to step deadly? How do I do that? It's only started, and my vacation is full of questions!

"The sun did not shine it was too wet to play."

Oh wait! That was somebody else's vacation. Back to mine, already in progress…

That's right, you get a front seat to the most unpredictable event since Rob Halford shimmied out of the closet.

I promise there'll be no closet shimmying here boys and girls, but there may be a little studded leather. Yeah, don't worry. I can't even hold that image in my head, chances of me holding up leather chaps on my hips are pretty slim.

Anyone who actually knows me is now flushing the horror from their eyes. Sorry, nothing can be done about the image tattooed to your brain. Consider that your souvenir from my vacation.

Friday and Saturday were kinda bleak. I'd tell you all about them, but it's not necessary. You're smart enough to understand the meaning of bleak, and the details would leave you underwhelmed. I know they did me. Just know that there was time, I squandered it, and no leather products were abused in any way.

I wanted to go to an art museum this week, but unfortunately I'm too poor. So I stared at my white walls for a bit oohing and ahhing instead.

"Oh the drywall putty patterns are fascinating! Shape and texture, what genius!"

"That one's a frog! "

"There's a platypus!"

"That looks like--uhm, I must have wandered into the adult gallery by mistake."

Once I got bored, I decided to do something about it. I'd do what my mom did with us kids when our plans fell through. No, she didn't lock us in the closet so she could go to the local bar and grab a drink.

Ok, she did do that, but only once.

Once.

Anyway, that’s not what I'm talking about anyway. She'd always give us the choice "Clean the house or find a way to create our own art." (Actually, her words were "or Keep yourself busy" but it meant the same thing.) So since so much of my life right now is about perspective, I've decided to find the art in my life. Each day this week, I'll post something that I've created or discovered that's worthy of sharing. Drop by later, there may be a secret toy surprise pinned to the blog wall.

Today, it's my toe jam collection. Tomorrow? Who knows. No, don't worry. I'm not sharing my toe jam. That's prize winning, why would I share?

That brings me to Sunday. Sunday, I got up early for church. I've decided to take the classes to join the congregation. We Lutherans are real picky. The standard initiation ritual involves hoods, rope, and a swimming pool. The only thing petitioners need to concern themselves with is the church's motto: "members float." It's on a plaque over the door. Some guests think it's a heaven thing. It's not, it's a swimming pool thing. There's also a little Q&A and coffee and dental tools, but nothing to be scared of. The classes help with the Q&A part, and if you suck up to the pastor, he'll drain the pool before he tosses you in. We call that a "mixed blessing."

Really though, I figure it's time to stop observing and participate. So much of my life is on hold right now, this is something I can do something about. Why shouldn't I? I read a devotion once. It said something like this, "God has many children, but he has no grandchildren." It means that we're all related, and called to get involved. Either that or there'll be no creepy old man handing out Werther's Original to little boys in heaven. Like I said, I'm on hold, but that doesn't mean I can't make myself available. I know, I don't have to be a member to get out there. I don't even need go through a church. We all have our outlets; this is one of mine.

So the class starts at 9:30 am. That in itself is a challenge. I shot my coffee intravenously, skimmed the comics, and tossed the rest of the paper before showering. I still scrambled in late, but not too bad. When I opened the door, people were sharing what they did last week. In fact, the pastor asked me what I did. Great timing. I had no answer.

"Uhm, I uh, I work at home. So I didn't really do anything."

He says, "I'll let you off the hook, what did you have for breakfast this morning."

"Uh, coffee and an orange?"

"ok" and he moved on to narcoleptic beside me for excitement.

Yesterday was the first time I felt glad I still wear my ring. Ok, that's sounds crueler than I intended it to, but it's true. It means nothing to anybody. At this point I feel like I'm a fraud by wearing the thing. I'm like the mirror image of that guy who drops his ring in his pocket when he goes to bars. I step anywhere out in public, I make sure mine is on. Even I laugh at me. It's pathetic. Yet that's why I was glad to have it on. In the introductory class there were 3 couples, the pastor, and me. I could pretend I belonged with all the other married people. Yes, I was a fraud, but the ring is real. They'll only find out it's electroplated if they scratch the surface. Only then will they see the tin phony beneath.

I'm hoping the other classes goes a little faster than the first on did. I've gone through 2 of these courses before, as well as 2 years of theology in college. At this pace, I might fall asleep. That's not how I want the pastor remembering me as he gives examples from the pulpit.

"Then there's sleepy Rob Blogwriter. A man whose faith won't even support his eyelids. Sister Kelly, would you go wedge a mustard seed into his eye? Anyone here have a plank we can stick in there too? What about a sandwich? No, that's for me, I'm getting hungry."

Yeah, nothing like an outraged Christian mob to ruin your day. I've seen their work in the past, and although I'm looking to belong, I'd rather not be bound to the business end of their bonfire. I want to be remembered as, "Rob. Friend. Good."

Speaking of remembered, Something really cool happened at church yesterday. A woman sitting in the back was talking to me as I came in. She told me about how busy she was last service, mentioning how there were a few baptisms, and new members joining, etc. She stops mid sentence and says "You weren't here last week were you?"

"No, I had to work late."

"Oh well it's good you're back this Sunday, it's communion."

It was really cool that she noticed. It's not the big gestures that make the difference, it's the stupid stuff, like people saying "we missed you." I gotta tell ya. It made my day. Now if I can just get somebody to say that every day this week I'm set. Although I suppose it would be kind of awkward.

"I missed you Rob."

"I was right here."

"But I really missed you."

"oh-kay…."

"No, you don't understand, I missed you."

"Were you aiming?"

There'll be a moment of uncomfortable laughter from both of us, and I'll go hide in the closet.

See? I told you there'd be no coming out of the closet.