Holy Cow! What guns!
What? No, I'm not flexing in the mirror but thanks for the ego boost. Actually I was watching last weeks episode of The Closer on my DVR. DVR? Oh it's the same thing as a TIVO, but supplied by my cable company without the friendly little trademark logo. I save the shows I want to watch, then catch them when I have time. Usually, I watch at 3 am. If you're awake, look over at your alarm clock. See the numbers flicker? That's me draining your power. It makes me feel strong.
It used to, now there's a new sheriff in town. Last night I saw a sleeveless Kyra Sedgwick. Holy Cow! What guns! Ok, they aren't like rip your dog in half with her bare hands like romaine lettuce big, but they are defined. Webster's only wishes they had so much definition. Running to the bathroom, I stared in the mirror and whimpered. She's got me beat. Hell, I think she's got my thighs beat. Maybe not if I lost more weight, or stapled my skin taut, but where I'm at now? Naw. I wonder what Kevin Bacon thinks. Does she crush him in her hug every night? Last I checked he wasn't that burly. Then again, I never took the time to stare at Kevin. Besides, how old is he? He was in Animal House! How old is Kyra? I probably shouldn't ask that. She'll hit me.
No, I always thought she was cute when she was younger. I liked her in Singles. Probably the best appearance by Bridget Fonda too. Great soundtrack by the way. Say what you will about Cameron Crowe, he can pick wonderful songs for a soundtrack. Me? I wont' say much at all. I wish I were Cameron Crowe. Another marriage, by the way, that seems to be going well.
After I'd been humiliated by my girlier-than-girly arms. I turned back to regular TV. The Late Late Show was wrapping up, and Lily Allen was singing. I just smiled. I had her beat. Actually, she's kinda heavy--at least for the TV show. I've seen stuff where she's pretty lean, but last night…lets just say that success is feeding her appetite. Still, she's cute. I hear she's one of those people who worries over the weight thing constantly. I don't know, weight never bothered me much, but I'm a guy, it never bothers us unless it's on somebody else. Which of course is why it bothers people like Lily. Still, weight wasn't one of those things that made my mind about women. It was always the other stuff. Lily Allen had a killer smile with these great big eyes. That's always a plus. I started to like the song even more. Kinda white-boy reggae for my taste, but the more I watched the more I liked. The song? LDN if you must know. I'm a music freak, I must. It's an OCD outlet.
After the song, a commercial for drug that inhibits restless leg syndrome (RLS) came on. The side effects? Increased gambling, and sexual desire. I'm betting nobody reports those side effects. I swear I've never heard of "increased gambling" as a side effect. What's next? A drug for hairy toes that makes you want to paint a house?
"Gee Bob! Your toes look baby smooth, and that’s the fifth coat of Atomic Tangerine!"
"I know I just have this crazy desire to paint. What about your house Frank? Need me to paint that?"
"No, the little ladies doing it now. She just started this medication for her hairy chest…"
The commercial ended, and Lily came back with a goodnight wave. Even with names scrolling over her face, she looked cute. I don't know why I noticed, or even why I bring it up, any more than Kyra Sedgwick's biceps. I've been noticing women in general a lot more lately. I think it's kind of like when you sprain your ankle, and you over adjust for it so that you're actually more likely to injure the other leg. Trust me. I know a lot about sprained ankles. I think that's what this is.
Tonight it's Lily Allen, tomorrow? Who knows. It doesn't matter. They aren't real. I don't know what I'd do if somebody real came along. Real women scare me right now. My latest dealings haven't worked out. Kyra works out though. And I think I'd be better off if she just tied me down and beat the crap out of me, rather than letting me deal with real women right now. And no, that isn't my fantasy. Rachel Weisz on the other hand...She's married too, right? I think she's been married for a while.
My latest observations are more than just sexual fantasy. They're more like doing a complete inventory: looks, personality, smoker vs. non-smoker, emu lover, how does she like her coffee in the morning, everything. In a way it scares me (not the emu thing, I'm cool with that). I shouldn't be noticing. I'm not ready to date yet. I mean emotionally I'm fine, or at least as fine as I've ever been. ( My dating luck was never that great to begin with. I once had a girl bring her sister on our date. Nothing boosts the male ego like that, but that's a story for another day. ) No, I'm still married. Besides, how callous is that? MyUnwife has only been physically gone for a month. Granted, emotionally she left a long time ago, but she did stick around physically till the first of August. That's something. I feel like it's disrespectful to even look.
Maybe that's why I felt guilty rewinding the DVR to watch Lily sing again. Guilty or not, I still think she's cute.
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