Breathing will enhance your sex life!
No, really that's what the site-link said. I've heard some people might disagree on the enhance, but it will certainly extend it.
At least your sex life. Thanks to this quaint little advertisement and it's soft-core graphic, I'm reminded I don't have one.
So I do what I can to fill my time with things that don't remind me of that. I work, workout—well, you know what I do, you've been reading my blog. Yesterday's brink of potential greatness? That will have to wait, today I'm walking the valley of abstinent banality.
Yesterday though, I tried one of the presets on my treadmill. Normally I do this gradual building thing, but I'm getting bored, and that makes it harder to get excited. I decided to spice it up a bit.
Standing with my feet on the safety rails, I looked over my options: interval, rolling hills, and mountain climb. Oh yeah, there's one labeled "the zone, " but I'm more of a casual walker. "The zone" sounded kinda scary for my workout.
So I pushed "rolling hill" then "Enter."
The machine beeped. It wanted me to choose a level. It wasn't willing to divulge what each level entailed, just that there were 10 choices. Good luck. Actually it did show me a speed rating for each level. Level 10 said "3.3"
That's not that fast. I normally start right around there. Fine, I decided, I'll do level 10 today. I pushed the button and...
Beep.
The platform began to spin. The machine stared at 3.3. This was ok, these were rolling hills, so I should see some change in incline. I can do this.
One minute passed, My iPod is playing some old Dramarama; all is good.
Beep.
It speeds up to 6.0. That's kind of a drastic speed change, but I normally do something around there anyway. I just hope it slows down before the incline change. 30 seconds pass...
Beep.
7.0. Well this is a little fast, maybe it's a warm up thing. I can do it, but not for too long. Luckily after 30 seconds more….
Beep.
7.5 What the hell? How fast is it going to get? I'm running now, just to see what it's going to do next. That's right, 30 seconds later I found out.
Beep.
8.0 Ok, this is the fastest I ever go. I put it here for a short run on weight days. It has to go down after this. 30 seconds later….
Beep.
8.5 Ok, Now I'm George Jetson walking Astro.
"Jane stop this crazy thing!"
Oh that's right, I'm alone. I can't really stop to put my feet on the safety rail, my legs are moving too fast. No control. I'd reach for the emergency shut off magnet, but that's quitting. I don't quit. But I do know where the manual speed control is.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep…
6.0 I'll set it here for a bit. I'd still like to see how the incline works out. The machine beeps a few more times to let me know what if it were in control, I'd be going faster. Still no altitude. Finally the speed drops to 5.5. then 30 seconds later…back up to 7.0! No! No! I've seen this film before. I think the next time through, I end up splattered on the wall, a commemorative Pollock painting to the dangers of overexertion. Still no hills. I want my hills! Maybe they were afraid at the higher speed it would shoot you like a bullet into the floor. I don't know, but yes, at this point I quit.
It hasn't been much of a workout, and I still want my hills, so I press "mountain climb." This time I'm a little more leery of the level, and I pick level 3.
Beep.
The incline is 0 and the speed is 0.5. I don't think I can walk that slow. Snails on my carpet are passing me. What? I don't clean the weight room so sue me. Ok, you got me, there are no snails, and yes I clean this room. I'm just trying to exaggerate a point, whatcha gonna do about it? One minute goes by and there's no change. Two minutes go by and I'm pressing the manual button to speed it up this time. I'm still waiting for the mountains. Finally they do kick in, and they're not bad, They're more molehill really, but I'm just happy to have lumps. The rest of the workout is ok.
Now that I've completed my mediocre workout, I decide to reward myself with a nice dinner. I made some spaghetti, using some table wine and Italian sausage in the sauce; I do it up right. I even picked some dinner music and poured a glass of wine to drink with my meal.
The wine was really good in the sauce, but it was kinda strong in the glass. I think I was trying to get myself drunk. Mood music, a good meal, yeah we know what I was after. Still I only got to second base. Seems some Kenny G track came on. I forgot I hate Kenny G and stormed out saying that I'm not that kind of date. Yeah, I know better, I'm precisely that kind of date. Fine. So it's going to be long and lonely. I could go back on the treadmill, but with the wine in me, I don't think that's a good idea.
If this is how I pass my time, this is going to be tougher than I thought.
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