Friday, September 28, 2007

"Some things should be simple…"-Editors





"You never ask for help." She said it. She was right. Well except the never part. MyUnwife was happier dispensing absolutes than I was. She was also pretty happy giving her opinion on the subject. Never? Naw, every time I used the word "never" I always ate the leftovers later. I try to avoid "never" anymore. It tastes too much like crow.


It is true that I "rarely" ask for help, but I have reasons for that, and not all of them involve my ego. I nev-rarely rely on my ego to make decisions. Ok, it's more frequent than rarely. What's 1 or 2 degrees more than "rarely" is that a "scarcely?" I know that there are 3 "seldoms" in a "rarely" and an almost infinite amount in a never…


No, the word I'm looking for is not "Frequently" thank you very much.


I don't ask for help because I need to believe the person I'm dealing with is qualified to help.


The last person I asked to help me was a grocery store a stock-boy.


"Where are the toothpicks." simple question.

"That's funny. You're the fourth person to ask me that this week. The last woman who asked…." The boy's mind ambles into an anecdote that might be more interesting if I worked in a grocery store, or didn't have a mission to fulfill. Otherwise, this story was as focused as the Israelite's vacation in the desert: 40 years of "are we there yet?" and the worlds largest ball of manna, and the story wouldn't end. I considered showing him my list, but I'm afraid he has a story for each one of those items as well.


The story reaches a conclusion-like point, or more a moment of awkward laughter followed by silence. The boy returns to what he was doing, as if I never asked a thing.


"So where are the toothpicks?"

"Oh, that's right. I've never had so many people ask me about those, but this week-"

"Yeah, I know. Four people. Pretty rare. Where are they?"

"The people?"

"No the toothpicks."

"That's what the other people asked for!"

"And what did you tell them?"

"What?"

"When they asked for toothpicks, where did you tell them to go?"

"I told them I didn't know."


Yeah, this is what I usually get when I ask for help. I could have walked down every aisle twice on my hands in the time it took me to get through this. If I find the toothpicks, I'm hunting this kid down and stabbing him--one for each minute he stole from my life. Maybe I'll just go back to the fruit aisle and pelt him with kiwis: instant gratification.


"Hey man! What gives."

"Kiwis! The viscous down under killer! Quick! The only way to defend yourself is with toothpicks."

"you're the fourth person to pelt me with kiwis this week. Ow!"

"Get used to it. Your life is going to be filled with these little coincidences."


I rarely ask for help. I do it as a benefit for other's around me. Nobody likes to be assaulted with Kiwis and toothpicks.


I've been reconsidering my novel this week. I need help. So does my Novel. I think it needs some editing and revisions if I'm going to sell it. I know, I have the writers' group, but what I need, isn't their specialty. We meet every 2 weeks for a few hours, they're good at concentrating on 10 pages. If it can happen in 10 to 15 pages, you're golden, but a whole novel? There's no time to read it, and there's nobody in the group I trust enough to give a copy to. No, I don't think they'd steal it, I just don't think they'd read it. They're good at the micro, I need a macro.


Only 2 people have read my whole book. One doesn't come to the group anymore, he's hanging out with his new atheist friends. I'm not sure I could trust him on this anyway. He thought The Da Vinci Code was a modern day Beowulf. If he meant it should have been eviscerated by Grendal, yeah, I can get behind that. I don't think that's what he meant. He liked the puzzles too.


Yeesh...


The other reader is MyUnwife. Actually she could be very good at this type of thing if she wanted to. She's great at looking at large projects and finding relationships and patterns. She rocks on the macro. The problem is she also gets a little bored and impatient, so if the macro needs more than one or two reads, she's leaving in a stack with last years tax forms.


I told her once that she was good at this. I was working on another project and I said I wanted to wait until it was done to let her read. I wanted her to see the whole project as a reader would: fresh, new and at once. Unfortunately, this conversation took place while she believed my every word was a barb aimed at her head. I don't remember what I said exactly, but I probably could have worded it better. In verbal conversation there is no edit. And there is no "Team" in divorce. There is an "I" though. So if you're looking for the "I" in "team" he's over here, getting a divorce. Just an FYI (Finding Your I)


So My book needs help, but I have nobody to ask. It's ok. I rarely ask for help, and I'm used to surviving without it.


I do have one problem that you could help me with though. Since I've started cooking for myself, I've been doing pretty good, but I'm having trouble with one item. One meal item overwhelms me every time. Can you help? Answer me this:


How do you toss a salad?


No really! Stop laughing! I'm serious! Knock it off! Listen, I toss a salad and I get a canopy of lettuce over a lump of cut veggies. How do you mix this thing? You're still laughing at me aren't you?


See? And that's why I never ask for help.




2 comments:

C.L. Ambrosia said...

It's too bad you don't have anyone else to read your book. I'm sure if it's anything like your blog, it's full of wit. Maybe you could take it chapter at a time your writers group. Just a thought.

Grphter said...

Thanks Christina!

Too bad I need an editor and not a publicist; You'd be hired! ;)

Like I said, the writers' group is a small focus thing. The real problem there is that we only go over 10 pages a week every other week; my book is about 350 pages. It's hard enough to remember everyones name in the group for 70 weeks let alone subplots and themes.

Thanks for the support though. It's nice to hear that somebody enjoys my writing from time to time.

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