"I will dazzle…"-Bloc Party

Let's start this by filling in the critical data. I know you were worried all weekend, so let me ease your troubled minds.

Saturday night I made my milkshake.

Mmmmmm…Kahlua….

You can quote me on that. A well deserved vacation in the desert of solitude. Sound pathetic? No, not really, pathetic is that it was the highlight of my weekend.

Somewhere Jenny Craig is ripping out her hair and screaming.
Next week we work on portion size.
This week, we forget it in the distilled fruits of our labor.

I heard this on last night's radio: "It takes a lot of courage to do nothing." Preach on sista! I'm Tarzan of the Shut-ins!

Yup, my milkshake oasis. Camels, palm trees, dancing maidens (didn't know Kahlua was an hallucinogenic did you? It's not. I am. It's true, lick my arm. Yeah, I'll let you fit together the pieces of that little Discovery Channel pictorial on your own. Let me know when you get to the part where for this to be true I'd have to lick my own arm. There? Traumatized? Okay, back to our story...), it's the highlight of my weekend.

Well, almost.

Sometimes the seemingly insignificant stuff clings to your mind like dryer lint. You know I went shopping Saturday right? Of course you do, because you are, if nothing else, astute readers. (how's the comma count there? Too many? Probably should save some for my Christmas tree, I think that's what I have left to decorate mine with this year. My punctuation tree? That would mean it concluded the last word in my sentence of Christmas spirit. Time served.) Did I mention you're free thinkers too? Yes, yes, it's true! Now repeat after me… okay, just joking. Probably time to cut back on my caffeine intake. Seriously though, I did my shopping Saturday. I spent more money than I planned, but it was a restocking trip. And Damnit! I forgot the canned tomatoes.

Again….

Sigh.

Fine, they're on next weeks list.

So anyway, the highlight: I'm in the fresh fruits and vegetables and this woman starts flirting with me. I mean it wasn't serious, double entendre-esque, insert porn music here flirting (which I suppose, if you are going to do in a grocery store, what better place than the fruits and vegetables? Next to the Lucky Charms is just wrong.), it was harmless, fun, and well, a surprise. We kept bumping into each other crossing to different bins. At the onions she says "I'm following you around." I, in my classy, can't-lose way said, "I see that."

Yup, sweeps 'em off their feet every time.

But my new scent must have kept her dazed, because over at the cilantro she says "I hate that you have to buy so much."

"I know, thank God it's so cheap." Yup, steer clear of the "Bunch" jokes. That's for amateurs.

She smiled, and then met me again at the salads. She must not have seen the ring. Or, maybe she did, because she disappeared shortly afterward. That's ok; like I said, it was nothing, but still, it was something. I spent the last 7 months putting a smile on a funeral. Now, it's nice to know that somebody notices I'm not the one who died. And lets face it, grocery store small talk is about as safe as it gets. I like safe. Last time I took the training wheels and the helmet off, I ended up married. We all see how that turned out. No, this time, I'm gonna pay closer attention to my skill level before I climb back on that bicycle. Just because you remember how to ride it, doesn't make you Lance Armstrong. You're just an older you, still prone to colliding with trash cans and mailboxes. Oh, that's me not you? Ok, fine. No, I was just happy somebody liked my trike and tassels. I think I'll get a bell next week.

Ching-ching. Ching-ching.