"...it's the changing of the seasons…"-Seether

The bills are paid.

Kind of a litmus test to see if I'd survive the budget or not. Ok, a little more than a litmus test I suppose, but still, they're related.

The outlook?

I'll be that guy drowning at the bottom of the ocean; his leg chained to a cement brick.

I'm way over budget for August. The good news? August was a horrible month. August was restocking month for all the stuff MyUnwife took with her. Little adventures like trying to make spaghetti without tomatoes. Those shouldn't happen in the future.

Shouldn't. My taste buds would agree, but they're still traumatized.

Little surprises like my "Welcome" bill from my new cell phone carrier. A bill and a half wrapped up in one nice payment. Things that made August like the month that I moved, not her.

On the other hand, some bills dropped drastically. My average grocery bill is now a quarter what it was, and my electricity and gas bills are about 2/3 less from where they were.

It'd be great if my mortgage weren't still the same. Can I call the lender and explain I'm only one person and shouldn't need to pay the mortgage of two?

"Hi, yeah, this is Rob Blogwriter. I want to reduce my mortgage payment."

"We can't do that sir."

"But I'm only using half of the oxygen."

"Oxygen is free sir. Breathing oxygen in your home as a courtesy to all our customers. It's what sets us apart from other lenders."

"Well, I don't really use one of the rooms. Can I take that off?"

"What you do with the room is up to you, sir."

"and the payment?"

"Won't change."

Nope, useless. They're humorless too.

Just like my cable company. You'd think with the money they rake in, they'd have a great sense of humor. Nope. I've had to drop all of my Premium stations. Do you know how unfair it is that MyUnwife is, right now, flipping through 5 HBOs, and 7 Showtimes looking for nothing to watch?

Why should she be allowed to squander her life like that?

Not fair, I'm flipping between Fresh Prince and Captain Kangaroo reruns without the proper drugs to make sense of either. Oh yeah, I have 2 channels of X Files Repeats. I admit, I liked the X Files the first time through. And felt nostalgic the second pass or so. Now, If I hear Mulder go into one more 15 minute whine-alogue about his sister and the hypocrisy of government, I'm gonna beat him silly with my Scully blow-up doll.

Oh, I wasn't supposed to mention that…Oh well, the truth is out there.

ANYWAY.

Speaking of cable, one of the things that bothers me is the advertising. Especially since all I get is commercial television. I get these ads late at night for every lawyer willing to take on my case involving bad weight loss drugs and exposure to asbestos, but I don't see any one offering a cure for divorced guys watching late-night TV alone, trying to fill their "quality" time. I think there's a big market for that! I'm here to tell you, if you offer the right products, this demographic will spend!

"Ordering Pizza again tonight? Why not make it at home with your new EZ Bake pizza oven and brewery. Have pizza and beer in the comfort of your own living room, anytime you want! Tired of sitting behind your wife's softball team every time you go out to eat? Use our patented 'halogen furnace' to create the perfect crust every time. You say you miss the beer? Not a problem! We've brought the beer to you! What Pizza Parlor boasts a micro-brewery? That's right, none of them—except the one in your home... "

Think of the sales on an item like that! Divorced men, Frat rats, face it: Guys! We're easy. Point us in a direction and we'll move.

"I must buy…"

Zombies.

Sheep.

Lemmings.

Oh my!

Show us an attachment for the Play-Doh barber shop that grinds sausage, and we are so buying one. "Fun and economical? Oh Boy!"

We're there; it just takes some creativity. Hell I doubt we'd complain if you rehashed the old game ads from our youth.

"Pretty sneaky sis!"

That's right! Give us fun and games. Set us back on the path of normality. Help us make sense of our new world at a price we can afford. We're not as ingenious as Alice. Little girls are braver than we can ever hope to be. Our immortality is dwindling and our looking glass scares us.

Yeah, I know. I'm asking a lot of my cable company. But you can ask MyUnwife, I always set my expectations high.

Like next month, I'm expecting I'll make my budget.

"That's Incredible!"