Posing

I write about divorce. I know, you find that shocking, but it's true. Sometimes to do that, I do re-divorce search, or divorce research or what ever you want to call looking up what other people do for fun on vacation.

One of the things I notice most when I'm divorce Windows shopping is the pictures people use to depict divorce couples. Now I don't know who they're writing the articles for, but they're taking photos for people who've never seen a divorce. These pictures might as well show Santa tying down the tooth fairy with licorice whips. Well maybe not, those would at least be fun to watch.

Yesterday I was reading an article about a divorce fair in England. I want to go to England as much as he next guy, and if I can blog about it, maybe I can write it off too. What's not to love?

Well the date of the fair for one thing. It's in October. I don't have a vacation in October. I'm not going to England without a vacation. The other thing not to love: the picture of the divorced couple.

This snarly faces duo is Rock-Paper-Scissoring and both are claw miming scissors. Who picks scissors? It's just wrong on so many levels. First, who decides marital disputes by Rock, Paper, Scissors anyway. We all know that Halo is the definitive dispute settler. Second, who leaves a fighting couple with two pair of scissors? Somebody who's never been locked in a bitter divorce dispute. That's like divorce by Thunderdome.

"Two enter, one leaves…"

And third? Who picks scissors over rock? I have knots in my skull to prove MyUnwife always picked up a rock.

Even the web site thought it was a bit silly. They offered 'Picture posed by models." as an explanation, knowing real divorce folk would never act that way. Divorce models? Is there a special school for that? Are divorce models specialized like hand models?

"Let me see you snarl and point…Brilliant! Next..."

I have to wonder. Yet they never look real. The other picture I always see is the one where a frowning/crying/emo-intense couple poses; one profile the other facing the camera, both frozen in a forlorn moment like there are plague peddlers at the door.

"Locusts! We have locusts!"

It's so fake. If you've ever had a divorce fight with your spouse you don't stand like that. You're either seething in their face, crying in another room, or leaning over their dead body.

"Does your new girlfriend do that for you?"

It's so odd. Nobody knows how to handle it. Publishers are no worse than the people we face daily. They offer fake pictures and pithy sayings but when it comes to really dealing with it, nobody has anything to offer. I swear right after my divorce more people disappeared than in the Bermuda Triangle. My family was there, but that was it.

It wasn't like they all sided with MyUnwife either. I know her "Rob's an ass" recruitments didn't skyrocket. I'm not saying it's not true, just that no new people moved to hold up the banner. When we sent out the divorce invitations, all either of us saw were stampedes and dust. It's just that people don't know what to do.

It's ok. I'm wrapping up my divorce and I don't know what to do either. People tell me their stories and all I can do is go, "Dude, that sucks." I do understand. It's easy to confuse divorce with leprosy if you've never enjoyed either, and both options are warmly recommended by those who've experienced either.

Still, the one thing both groups need is someone to come out, put a hand on their shoulder and say, "Hey, I'm here if you need me."

Now this isn't a pull for sympathy. I have a 1-900 number for that. Call it. Hear Rob unfold tales of blunder self pity. $2.99 per minute, you'll be glad you called. I know I will. No, it's just me trying to understand why the picture I see that's supposed to depict my life isn't even close.

I'm looking at a new picture now. I'm painting it myself. Everybody's a stick-figure with squiggly hair. There are some smiles, a few frowns, and a really cool Dukes of Hazzard car. It's not pretty, but it's me. I can relate. It's refreshing. I know what it looks like when divorced people walk away. I won't be drawing that. The images in my head are enough.

There are new people in this picture too. People who touched my shoulder and said, "Dude, that sucks." You'll be able to tell them by all the gold stars and glitter. Yeah, and if you look in the lower left, there's Santa and the Tooth Fairy. What can I say? I'm Rob, I draw what I see.