Monday, June 23, 2008

Ashes in our Mouth


Well the great gopher war of 08 appears to be over. The little dirt mounds litter my lawn like unmarked graves. The neighbors dog is sniffing around the yard leaving dog tags. I'm hoping that's what they are.


I know I sound so cruel, huh? It's just been such a busy weekend I almost view the belly up critters as collateral damage. Welcome collateral damage, but still not really big in the scheme of things. Oh, and they're not nearly as cute as that little guy from Caddyshack. If I'm gonna have yard vermin, they better be freakin' cute--like Shrek and Donkey cute. If they're in my lawn, they can muck it up whenever they want.


So yeah, It was a busy weekend. I had to repair my garage door that I'm going to need to replace as soon as I can afford it. It doesn't look great, but it'll keep any surviving gophers from my munitions dump. It also gives me a secondary trip for today. Yeah, I get to go and have another flat tire fixed/replaced. There's a nail in my tire. I blame manicurist-gopher. They're worse than Smurfs.


Don't get too sympathetic, I think the nail is from the door, and not a mangled paw. I'm not gonna call in a CSI team, they'll just blame me. If I wanted blame I'd call MyUnwife.


"Hi, I--"

"It's your fault!"

Click.

"Thanks." Yeah, it's "1-800-Blame-RB." Call it if you like. It might help you heal. It's done wonders for her. If I feel guilty about the grieving rodent relatives vacating my yard, I know where to go.


I saw MyUwife too this weekend. NO! She was not burrowing in my yard. That's not even nice guys, you should be ashamed. She was at the bank, with outstretched arms.


I'd received our IRS stimulation check, she wanted stimulus. Since I needed a signature, I needed to oblige. Veni Vidi Cha-ching: I came, I saw, I cashed the cow to buy magic gopher killing beans.


As you've figured out by now, our divorce is one of convenience: there's no real animosity, just Slim Jims and Slurpies for everyone. I think that the season of ill will is behind us now.


I read an article about that just last night. It said that couples who go through an uncontested divorce get along better after the divorce than couples of contested divorces.


Really?


According to www.thefreedictionary.com, Uncontested means: "not disputed and not made the object of contention or competition." So, people get along better when they don't dispute or make things the object of contention? Who knew? Obviously we didn't; we're getting a divorce. Still, we're intelligent enough: we learn. Our divorce is uncontested.


Other than this stunning discovery, the article told me that couples who do go through a contested divorce, become more friendly as each partner becomes more stable. So, divorced couples who have good jobs and safe houses, don't carry the bitterness as much as the ones who are still struggling.


That means that if your ex-wife knocks on the window of your car, while you're sleeping in the back seat, to let you know that she's doing ok living in her new ranch house, you shouldn't get angry. She's just there to let you know that she's forgiven you and has moved on.


"Toodles!"


That's not us. We didn't go through that phase. We split thing amicably. If there was a bone of contention, I gave it to her, dog slobber and all. We get along fine and most all the vindictive bitterness is behind us. That'll probably last until she finds out I freed her beloved gopher collection.

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